My Wish For The Top 10 Trending Topics On Yahoo

The website I go to more than any other on any given day is Yahoo. A big reason is I have a yahoo email address that I’ve used for the better part of a decade. I admit that I definitely check this email address for new email way too often. So often one would actually think the emails I do get are national security level importance emails. Emails containing up to the minute near live coverage of nuclear weapons being sold to terrorists on the black market of some third world country and somehow these emails are being sent to me and then I’m forwarding them to the proper Anbu black ops Marine snipers who need to kill said terrorists and recover the dangerous nuclear weapons. That is how often and how steadily I check my email as if emails like those were awaiting my immediate attention.

In reality, my email box is usually full of dick jokes courtesy of my college friends. If not dick jokes from pals who sought higher education together, my email box has every once and awhile freelance work emails, which are important. And, the third category would be newsletter emails from websites I bought something from once like 1800 Flowers, Macys, Nordstroms, Everlast (boxing equipment, not the guy who was in House of Pain and then told us “what it’s like” in his solo venture) et cetera. The final category of emails is UFC Forum emails. The UFC has its own web board and I guess they were in need of Moderators. It doesn’t pay anything, which is good because I rarely go onto that web board, so I can’t be fired as a moderator. I get at least a dozen emails a day from whiny brats complaining someone is being mean to them and I should ban that person because of it. 99% of the time, I ignore these emails. It’s the internet – everyone is mean! And, just be mean back! It is anonymous. If some idiot calls you an idiot then call them an idiot. Why not? It’s the internet – everyone is mean and this is all fake.

I do once in a green Moon go onto the UFC web board solely to ban someone and delete every post they have posted on the site. That is somewhat satisfying. “Would you like to ban them for a day, 15 days, a month, 90 days or forever?” Well… FOREVER!!!! ALWAYS FOREVER!!! If I was in that movie The Box where I had to hit a button to kill some random human being on Earth and I got a million dollars – if I could be convinced by Frank Langella with half a face that this isn’t a Twilight Zone episode and if I hit the button that random person killed wasn’t me and was in fact one of the people who actually posts on the UFC web board and complains or is complained about – I’d hit it Usain Bolt fast.

So, I’m on Yahoo a lot because of all this. I love the “Trending Now” feature they added whenever they added it. I always take a look at it. I check my email, I check the front page article and I check the “Trending Now”. Sometimes before I click on why these random ass topics are trending, I like to take a guess or make a tiny wish to myself what is causing these people or things to trend. That’s what today’s post is about motherfuckers – get into it.

1. Jay-Z

He’s dead. Awwwwww… why? Why do you say such things, Kay-Swilt-Chamberlain-Jizzle? Jay-Z is not dead. But I cannot be the only one who sees a name trending at number 1 and thinks “oh shit, did Zsa Zsa Gabor die or is she just in the fucking hospital again?” False alarm, Jay-Z isn’t dead. The credibility of hip hop is definitely dead because of Jay-Z, so maybe they arrested Jay-Z for the murder of a legitimate art form. Nope. Damn it! So Jay-Z is doing a concert(s) with Eminem. *shrugs*.

I wish Jay-Z was trending because he decided to actual quit the literal rapping business to become a rap entrepreneur who basically just gives money to young rappers and studio time to them and doesn’t at all try to influence them in making the exact same music he has made for the past 10 years. Or I wish that Jay-Z came out against Pitchfork’s rating of the best songs from the past decade and his lady Beyonce’s song “Crazy in Love” is definitely not the #3 song of the past decade. Jay-Z feels flattered that they would think that song was that good, but Jay is from the streets and he knows that that song shouldn’t even be included in the top 100 songs from the past decade let alone nearly leading the list. Also, Jay-Z apologizes for ruining everyone’s brain for the first few months of this year with the refrain “NEW YORK! BIG LIGHTS WILL INSPIRE YOU! IN NEW YORK!” Ugh… it will probably stick in my head again.

2. Jodie Sweetin

The chick from Full House. No, not the oldest one who became real religious. No, not the youngest one who was played by those twins who fell in love with cocaine. No, not the one with the flowing black mullet – that was UNCLE Jessy, he was a man. Remember the sporty spice middle sister? That’s Jodie Sweetin. I know that Jodie was pregnant because that trended a month ago. I’m guessing this is that she gave birth to that pregnancy.

What I wish? Jodie Sweetin completed the Highlander task of sword fighting to death all the other cast members of Full House and now SHE IS THE ONLY ONE… who gets to collect residuals from syndication. SYNDICATION! I would love to watch a Scott Pilgrim vs. The World spoof where Jodie Sweetin must defeat in anime/video game style battles the Olsen twins, Candace Cameron, Dave Coulier, John Stamos and, lastly, Bob Saget. Also, Kimmy Gibbler at some point saves Sweetin, but dies in the process as well.

I get why the Olsen Twins have continued to be crazy famous, but Jodie Sweetin grew up to be a great looking girl. Candace shunned the spotlight. The Olsen Twins embraced it, but they are both mildly attractive and nightmare scary at the same time. Meanwhile, Jodie grew up to be girl next door cute and she had one upside over the Twins – she has BOOBS! Pretty big ones. I’m surprised we haven’t seen more of her because of that. She did have the Fuse show Pants Off Dance Off, but who the hell actually watched it?

3. Lauryn Hill

She’s baaaaaaacccckkkkk!! I think this is about her new album and that she is playing a concert with Snoop Dogg and the Wu-Tang in California. Yep, I was right. Honestly, that is exactly what I want Lauryn Hill to be trending for. Lauryn Hill will probably not go down in history as the highly regarded artist as she should be because she keeps falling off the radar on purpose. Lauryn will completely capture the attention of the music industry and America and once she does so, she disappears for 5 years to then come back and do the same thing again. She clearly is very talented and she clearly has some issues with being in the public eye or something. She is undoubtedly crazy talented and her worst songs are better than Beyonce’s “best” songs. Anyway, Ms. Hill is back for the moment and I hope her new album is excellent. This would be a great time for her to put out a great album. Right now, there seems to be a near limitless cache of female singers who are popular now. Most of them are cookie cutter versions of each other who are making club pop songs. It would be nice for Lauryn Hill to show the depth that a female artist can have for the 3rd or 4th time now and not fall off the face of the Earth.

4. Scholarships

Did the world become smart? Scholarships!?! Aren’t we all a bunch of dumbasses who can’t graduate high school? Fair enough. I don’t think anyone can confuse what the scholarships are for. But my fingers are crossed that the scholarships are for students looking to study science in particular. President Obama has made many comments about education and getting the US back in the seat of power in math and science. I think the way to do that is make math and science sexy – thus “Sexy Scientists”. I’m sure you need to know math to know science. I think Obama needs to start a campaign in re-inventing our image of scientists as baller ass celebrities. We need to get kids excited about science. Give scientists some attitude. I make cell phones, bitch! I’m curing cancer, motherfucker! I made watermelons seedless! I’M THE ILLEST SHIT EVER!

Also, I’m dying for scientists to just make teleporters already. I want to visit Australia without sitting on a 15 hour (is it longer than 15?) plane flight. First class or economy? Fuck it. I want TELEPORTATION!

5. Matthew McConaughey

Is he announcing he’ll be in a good movie? Because that would BLOW MY MIND! Outside of his near cameo role in Tropic Thunder it has been 8 years since I’ve seen a McConaughey movie I liked. I’m talking Reign of Fire. It is a decent enough movie and McConaughey looks like a badass in it. Some of you ladies may have enjoyed How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – I haven’t sat through it and admitting I have would just be another knock against me on this website. So I fucking watched Gilmore Girls! I didn’t buy a Gilmore Girls duvet cover for my bed or anything. And what if I did!? What would be so wrong with going to sleep every night with both the warmth and comfort of Lorelai and Rory Gilmore in blanket form holding me?

Oh, McConaughey is trending because some clothing company remembered he was really good looking and hired him for an ad campaign. Shock me, shock me. EdTV and A Time to Kill are over 10 years old. Make a good movie damn it!

6. Jackie Evancho

No clue who this is. She is on America’s Got Talent and she is 10 and she can sing well. Um, well she is 10, so I will feel a little weird making fun of her. I try to keep all sexual advances and all slighting remarks to people at least old enough to see an R-rated movie by themselves. So Jackie gets a pass. Eh, fuck that. She’s 10? I bet she annoys the shit out of her parents, am I right? Kids are so annoying. She is in 3rd or 4th grade, right? She’s probably just learning about science and history. Did you know that salt is really sodium-chlor… sodium-chloriii… Yeah! Sodium Cholride! I know! I’m a grown ass man. I know what it is and you really don’t ever need to know what it is unless you become a sexy scientist. Did you know that Christopher Columbus discovered America in 14- Yes! Yes I did know that. What I also know, is that he didn’t discover America. You’ll find that out too. They’ll teach you he discovered this place and then a minute later the Pilgrims came over and made Thanksgiving, but all of that is lies. LIES! The dude didn’t even touch foot on American soil. And they all were a bunch of genocidal murderers anyway. Life is bleak and history is soaked in the blood of the weak. Get used to it kid.

Jackie does have a lovely singing voice.

7. Windows Mobile Phones

Windows for mobile phones? Or is Windows meaning Microsoft making a mobile phone? I bought an iphone last year hoping that would be the end of my involvement with “smart phones”. I hate that there are 600 smart phones out there and I’m constantly being peppered by new ones. I don’t care! I just wanted a phone that worked with good reception. Now I’m supposed to want a sleek and sexy phone that can take Louvre quality photos, email, text, streaming blu-ray quality movies, make me laugh and cry, play games on, work as a stereo, find me a girlfriend and whether it actually makes phone calls is really trivial at this point.

I did download the Netflix app on my iphone. It is pretty amazing that I could watch La Bamba in HD on my cell phone, but I really don’t know how/when that will come into play in my life. I guess it is cool that that is an option. I’m also of the opinion that with all this garbage of downloading apps, streaming videos, playing videogames, texting, emailing, surfing the internet and blah blah blah is the reason why my cell phone has 70% chance of dropping any call over 10 minutes.

8. Michael Douglas

Michael Douglas has throat cancer in stage 4. I didn’t know Michael Douglas had throat cancer in stage 1, 2 or 3. How many stages are there? Hopefully a million because Michael Douglas is a good actor and I enjoy a lot of his movies. If you haven’t seen the movie Wonder Boys then you are currently wasting your life. I sincerely mean that because with all that I know about people and what people like in movies – Wonder Boys has a lot of it. Great movie. Witty dialogue, fast pace, liberal smoking of marijuana, gays, people dabbling in being gay, guns, smart people, hot college age chicks who act older than they are making it ok that Michael Douglas is banging them, Robert Downey Jr.

I will say that Wall Street 2 with Shia will suck a big dick. That’s right. I couldn’t think of anything too clever for that one. A big hairy dick that smells funny. Like cabbage and sweat. Shia is the reason why that movie will suck. Also, Oliver Stone being a fucking moron will be the reason too. Also, because no one asked for a sequel nor did anyone wonder about a sequel and then 100 years later one just happens and it is with Shia and it will suck this nasty ass dick.

9. Retirement Planners

OLD PEOPLE! Or young people who just hate their jobs so much they are actively planning out how many days and hours they have to actually work to secure their retirement. I don’t even know what my plan is for Labor day weekend, let alone what my plan is for where I’m moving in a couple months, let alone what I want to do for the rest of my life, let alone retirement. So, this bores me to tears.

10. Hurricane Evacuation

EARL!!!!!!!! I bet $1000 to no one because I can’t really part with $1000 if I’m wrong that Hurricane Earl doesn’t effect any of the people who have made this topic trend. We love hyping up weather in this country. So, Earl is most likely not going to do a thing to the North East of the US. Maybe some rain and wind as if that has never happened before in the history of the United States. AHHH IT IS WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY!!!!!

So, that’s that.

Questions for Friday. Comments for any day. Labor day plans. ANYTHING!

Dissecting Popularity – “Empire State of Mind”

This is quite the quandary. Do I start this post saying that Jay-Z is a terrible rapper? Or do I start this post saying that people in Columbus, OH all have long sad faces wishing they lived in New York City and not Columbus, OH? Well, I guess I have already said both ideas now. Even if you live in a cave in Canada, you should be sick and tired of the song “Empire State of Mind” by the immortal Jay-Z. And by “immortal” I mean, WILL YOU JUST FUCKING GO AWAY ALREADY!

I like Jay-Z. Or I should say I “liked” Jay-Z. At one point in time, Jay-Z helped make the rap industry wildly more successful. He widened the rap industry. He opened up doors for more rappers. He has carved out a foot hold in the music industry for rap music. The problem is two things: rap music by Jay-Z is pop music and he won’t fucking go away. I am a big fan of the man, Sean Carter. I admire him for what he’s done, I think he is amazingly motivated and has established himself and somehow kept “street cred” like no other. I think his decision to start banging Beyonce Knowles is right up there with the greatest decisions in American History like the writing of the Emancipation Proclamation, going to war with England for our independence and deciding on a second season of The Jersey Shore.

But, Jay-Z needs to go away. He has been making the same song for over a decade now. He has the formula down and they certainly are not improving. The songs are catchy, but they are killing rap music. They are killing the integrity and true backbone of rap music. Rap music should not be a half assed rambling of lyrics followed by a female falsetto singing chorus 100x in a row. The artist Jay-Z has a stranglehold on rap music. His name is so famous that artists want to be like him. Labels and radio stations just want rap music that sounds like his. The number one rap station in New York City, Hot 97.1, will play non-stop 30 minute blocks of Jay-Z and it sounds like just one half hour long song. As if Jay-Z was riffing on “Freebird” or “Inagaddadavida”.

His songs are all about this formula because Jay-Z is a terrible rapper. His actual lyrics are terrible. I remember when The Source awards named Eminem the best rapper of all time and people were pissed. Who should get it then? Who is really bigger than Eminem? Jay-Z is just as popular, but Eminem literally knows how to “rap”. I’m not much of a fan of Eminem, but his lyrics are at least a little more than one-syllable rhyming schemes.

My hostility towards “Empire State of Mind” should be put on the shoulders of Columbus, OH. Dawgz and I easily heard this damn song 8 times everyday/night in Columbus. It played almost on a constant loop at the bars. Why? Because the people of Columbus desperately want out of Columbus. This song gives them a moment of levity to sing about New York even though they’ll never get there. That’s my guess at least. I didn’t hear “Bad Romance” in Columbus, but I heard “NEW YORK!!!!” a million times. So let’s break down this lyrical brilliance.

[Jay-Z]
Yeah
Yeah I’m out that Brooklyn.
Now I’m down in Tribeca.
Right next to DeNiro
But I’ll be hood forever

SELLOUT!!!! A little fun fact about Jay-Z is that his name “Jay-Z” comes from the “J” and “Z” subway lines in Brooklyn. Of course, now that he is in Tribeca, he may want to change his name to something more appropriate for that area. “Higher Tax Bracket Jay-Z” or “Hipster Jay-Z” or “Drinks Lattes And Eats Multigrain Bread Jay-Z” or “Sits In A Coffee Shop All Day On His Laptop And Cellphone Even Though He Has The Internet In His Apartment And Is Wearing A Suit Jacket And Jeans Even Though He Doesn’t Have A Job Jay-Z”.

I’m the new Sinatra
And since I made it here
I can make it anywhere
(Yeah they love me everywhere)

Ugh, I dislike Frank Sinatra. He’s from Jersey – great. He got to hang out with the mob – great. His music ranges from meh to terrible. Seriously, I think most people can do a pretty damn good impression of Old Blue Eyes singing “Summer Wind” and that shows that he wasn’t really killing it singing. Slow styled lounge act crooning should just stay as a lost generational thing. It does not need to continue when the Baby Boomers are gone.

I used to cop in Harlem
All of my Dominicanos (Hey yo)
Right there off of Broadway
Brought me back to that McDonalds

Are you all seeing already how stupid this song is? Seriously, is any of this actually rap?

Took it to my stash spot
560 State Street

Attention all police! Head to 560 State Street! There may be some drug residue.

Catch me in the kitchen like Simmons whipping Pastry

I googled this one. I guess it is a reference to Run’s House on MTV. That’s what you want in a metaphor in a popular rap song: something you have to google and still have no clue what it means.

Cruising down 8th street
Off-white Lexus
Driving so slow
(but BK, it’s from Texas!!)
Me I’m out that BedStuy
Home of that boy Biggie
now I live on Billboard
and I brought my boys with me

Atrocious! Is this song done yet? Good Jesus this is dumb. I hope he didn’t actual sit down and write any of this. It is just rambling garbage. Basically, Jay-Z is giving us a schizophrenic tour of New York City. And it isn’t even a good tour either. So far all he has pointed out is that there is a borough called Brooklyn which is where he is from, there is an area in Manhattan called Tribeca that Robert De Niro lives in, Dominicans and drugs are in Harlem, there is a McDonald’s somewhere in New York City that holds some reverence in Jay-Z’s youth, there is an 8^th street, and, again, that he is from Brooklyn. Jay-Z can’t think of ANYTHING to say about the greatest city in the world. In the same 60 seconds, Jay mentions he’s from Brooklyn twice. That’s it.

Say what up to Ta-ta
Still sipping Mai Tais
Sitting courtside
Knicks and Nets give me high-5
Nigga, I be Spiked out
I could trip a referee

Maybe he doesn’t remember anything in particular about New York City because he is too drunk on Mai Tais. Speaking of, who the fuck drinks Mai Tais in New York City? Mai Tais? Hard “Street Cred” having rappers from Bed Stuy, Brooklyn drink Mai Tais? News to me.

Jay-Z is really connecting with the blue collar working class by pointing out how great his seats are at Knicks and Nets games. Speaking of, the Knicks are fucking garbage. The Knicks are worse than this song. If I were going to write a song about the glory of New York City, I would stay away from talking about the New York Knickerbockers from the past decade. And the Nets? The Nets play in Jersey still, so there is no reason to mention them besides the fact that Jay-Z pretty much owns them. This song has little if anything to do with New York City. Also, the Nets are the worst team in professional basketball so I wouldn’t mention them either.

“I be Spiked out” – I get it. You sit in the front row. You’re so close that you “could trip a referee”. Well don’t. Your team is fucking the WORST! The last thing they need is their owner tripping the refs out there. How about you spend more time focusing on obtaining good ball players than pulling pranks on refs.

…tell by my attitude that I’m MOST DEFINITELY FROM…

No idea. You literally could be from anywhere. You sound like a rambling mess who isn’t even trying to rhyme. But you have mentioned on several occasions you are from Brooklyn, so I have made a mental note on that.

Now, here comes the only part of the song that people care about and/or remember…

[Alicia Keys]
New York!!!!
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York!!!
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York

I get the idea of “where dreams are made of”, but it sounds retarded reading it. Let’s pretend I’m having a conversation with someone about New York City. “What do you think of when I say the words ‘New York City’?” “Me? I would say, concrete jungle where dreams are made of.” “What? Are you drunk? That can’t be proper English that came out of your mouth right then.”

[Jay-Z]
I made you hot nigga,

Oh yeah? Me in particular? Is that a dessert? I’m not sure what this means at all. I feel like there should be a comma somewhere in there to help show where the emphasis of this sentence is.

Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game,
shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can,
you should know I bleed Blue, but I ain’t a crip tho,
but I got a gang of niggas walking with my clique though,

Woof. This is just stupid. If you asked a third grader, preferably the “types of bitches” girl, to write lyrics for a rap song there is no way it would come out worse than this. “Game” and “can”? That doesn’t rhyme. And the other rhyme is “tho” and “though”. Seriously!?! For fuck’s sake. And I guess the “blue” he bleeds is still referring to the Yankees, but generally speaking the Yankees are known for their “pin stripes” the “Yankee pin stripes”. I guess you can’t bleed “pin stripes”.

welcome to the melting pot,
corners where we selling rocks,
Afrika bambaataa shit,
home of the hip hop,
yellow cab, gypsy cab, dollar cab, holla back,
for foreigners it ain’t fitted act like they forgot how to act,

Pot, rocks, shit, hop, cab, cab, cab, back, act? Jay-Z would not pass 6^th grade with any of that. What rhymes with cab? How about cab? And the last sentence is a great indictment of “foreigners”. What’s with those “foreigners”? They act like they forgot how to act? This wouldn’t be as depressing if this song wasn’t the most popular song. It’s not like they are complete thoughts, but more so just a syllable count. As if Jay-Z is just concerned with how many seconds it takes him to say something and not at all what words are strung together to illustrate anything.

Let me translate these sentences:

Tons of foreigners
There are drugs
Random old rapper
We started rap music (currently we are killing it)
Tons of cabs
Foreigners are weird

Very enlightening, Jay-Z.

8 million stories out there and they’re naked,
city it’s a pity half of y’all won’t make it,

Now, Jay-Z is dropping some realness on you. Shit just got really real in that second sentence. It is a pity that 4 million people will not make it life, but…

me I gotta plug a special and I got it made,
If Jeezy’s payin LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade,

BUT I DID! Yeah, I got money! I got tons of money! I got so much money! I’m buying basketball players! With my money!… oh, but it is terrible about the economic circumstances you all face, but I GOT MY MONEY! I got your money! Because you’re paying for these garbage songs!

3 dice cee-lo
3 card marley,
Labor Day parade, rest in peace Bob Marley,
Statue of Liberty, long live the World Trade,
long live the king yo,
I’m from the Empire State thats…

Talk about really skimming over some American history and the most notable places in New York City. He doesn’t even say anything about the Statue of Liberty. All Jay-Z does is acknowledge its existence. Also, I have lived near New York City pretty much my whole life. I don’t recall the Labor Day parade being at all noteworthy. I’m sure there is a Labor Day parade. There are tons of parades in New York City, but “Labor Day”? Isn’t everyone from New York City at the Jersey shore on Labor Day?

Also, I have no clue what the Bob Marley reference is about. Bob Marley wasn’t born in New York City, nor born on Labor Day. Bob Marley didn’t die in New York City, nor die on Labor Day. I love Bob Marley and all, but he might as well reference any celebrity or musician who died. And at the same time, the only excuse I can imagine is that Jay-Z was so sold on the line “3 card marley” that he had to think of a rhyme for “marley” and that was, of course, “Marley”. Nothing rhymes with “marley” quite like “Marley”, am I right?

[Alicia Keys]
[chorus]

People have suffered through more ridiculous Jay-Z ramblings to get to Alicia singing “NEW YORK!!!” And let’s get back to his insufferable madness…

[Jay-Z]
Lights is blinding,
girls need blinders
so they can step out of bounds quick,
the side lines is blind with casualties,

I’ll solve a Rubik’s cube before I get a firm grasp on what those 4 lines mean.

who sip the lite casually, then gradually become worse,

Alcoholics? Fair enough.

don’t bite the apple Eve,

New York City is the “big apple” and Eve bit into the apple in the Bible which led to the downfall of humanity and created original sin. You shouldn’t bite into New York City means don’t get a drug addiction or something in New York City.

Oh man, I just took a glimpse at the lyrics ahead of us on our peril filled journey through this song and this whole stanza is absurd. It is way too ridiculous to cut up, so I’m skipping them unedited.

caught up in the in crowd,
now you’re in-style,
and in the winter gets cold en vogue with your skin out,
the city of sin is a pity on a whim.
good girls gone bad, the city’s filled with them,
Mommy took a bus trip and now she got her bust out,
everybody ride her, just like a bus route,
Hail Mary to the city your a Virgin,
and Jesus can’t save you life starts when the church ends,
came here for school, graduated to the high life,
ball players, rap stars, addicted to the limelight,
MDMA got you feeling like a champion,
the city never sleeps better slip you a Ambien

So, a song about New York City, seemingly the greatness of New York City, spends about a third of it talking about hookers. Wow. Well not exactly just “hookers”, but girls who pretty much live their lives like drug addict hookers because of New York City. After reading this whole stanza and going back to the beginning of it, I understand what Jay-Z is talking about. Jay’s message is to all the women out there:

STAY AWAY FROM NEW YORK CITY! IT WILL GET YOU ADDICTED TO DRUGS AND HAVING SEX FOR MONEY OR MAYBE FOR DRUGS AND NOT MONEY! YOU ARE GOING TO BE RAILROADED BY DUDE AFTER DUDE AND JUST RUN!!!!!!!!!

It is a random change of pace. This song starts off with giving you the worst tour of New York City ever followed by random mentions of sports teams and that Jay-Z has a ton of money and no one else does. This all culminates with the lesson that women who travel to New York City easily can fall into the seedy underworld of drug addiction and sex slavery to appease their addiction to drugs or celebrity fucking because women can’t control themselves. No wonder girls love to dance to this song at clubs! It is so positive!

[Alicia Keys]
New York!!!!
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York!!!
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York

Alicia! What the fuck are you doing! Didn’t you just hear what Jay-Z was saying!?! Get the hell out of New York before your tiny woman brain is easily led into celebrity circles where you will be the meat in a sex sandwich of basketball players’ dongs while you’re all tricked out on ecstasy! RUN BITCH! RUN!

[Alicia Keys]
One hand in the air for the big city,
Street lights, big dreams all looking pretty,
no place in the World that can compare,
Put your lighters in the air, everybody say yeaaahh
come on, come,
yeah,

And then she sings the bullshit chorus again. Yeah, these lights will inspire you into group orgies for cocaine apparently. Put one hand in the air for the big city that turns mid-western girls into street whores. Big dreams all look pretty when you are getting a train run on you by Dwyane Wade and Lebron James’ entourage in the back room of a party that Jay-Z is throwing because WE’RE IN NEW YORK!!!!!

I hope this makes you all hate this song. Or love it more because of its wackiness.