It Is About Time I Add A New Catchphrase To Your Lives

Well, I guess it is time to write this post. I have spent the past hour trying to find one picture in particular to make a point, but I can’t find it. That’s partially a lie. I googled the picture twice and came up empty. Then I went to the forums I originally saw it on and spent the next 38 minutes re-reading old posts of mine. I’m a pretty funny guy every once and awhile. Also, I’m a bit of a dick. Those people had it coming though with some of their lame threads. I used to post a lot on that board, but now I don’t. That’s partially their fault for being boring and your fault for draining me of any and all energy I have by forcing me to write 2000 words every morning. It’s amazing I have the strength to get up and eat lunch when I’m done.

The board I post or posted on is Sherdog. It is an MMA forum, but I rarely if ever have posted about MMA on there. My last post concerning the subject was in a thread about what lightweight fighters could defeat BJ Penn (the guy who was making the other guy bleed in yesterday’s post). The thread had a list of about 8 random lightweight fighters who he thought could beat BJ. I don’t think any of them could beat BJ. My brilliant response to his thread “meh”. That’s it. Three letters. That’s what they get from me nowadays. On the other hand, you get like 6000 million letters. Probably because most of you have boobs. The good kind. Sure some of them have boobs; the bad ones from eating too much birthday cake when it is not your birthday or anyone else’s you know.

The majority of the time I spend/spent on that board was talking about chicas or shit talking other posters. Let’s focus on las chicas. There are hundreds of threads on that forum titled “Would you hit it?” or some clever variation. Sometimes the “it” would be an obvious “yes” like Scarlett Johansson or Kate Beckinsale or Olivia Munn. Other times the “it” might be a joke one and it is a picture of some female body builder who has more testosterone coursing through her veins than I ever will at any point in my life. And sometimes it is a dude(!). Anyway, regardless of what is the “it” there are people who are on either side of the issue. There are people out there who say they would turn down Halle Berry and at the same time there are people who have a fetish for girls with huge pumped up muscles.

Me? Scarlett, Kate, Olivia, Halle? All the yeses. I’m blown away by deniers, the haters, the “I wouldn’t do her with your dick” guys. I’m not sure if it is the thrill of saying “no” or talking shit or are these people that crazy delusional. I’ve mentioned before the idea of me saying one girl is hot does not make another girl I said is hot any less hot. There is room for hot chicks always. There isn’t a set limit on how many girls you can say are beautiful or how many you would theoretically try sexing on an internet messageboard. So I think there are three people who would say “no”: the shit talkers, the crazy and the finite.

The shit talkers just say mean ridiculous stuff for whatever reason. They know they will never meet Carrie Underwood let alone see her nekkid in their shower so they feel the need to discredit her by saying she has “pointy elbows” or “big ears”. And it’s like really? Is that what you are looking for? The elbows? How soft do the elbows need to be? So Marissa Miller’s body is a 10 and her face is a 10 and let’s say her elbows are a 4 (untrue, but let’s just say that). You wouldn’t “risk” having sex with her because of below average elbows? Really?

The “pointy elbow” type are part of the “crazy” bunch. The “crazy” is an amoeba like group because they stretch and morph. Some of these guys need a girl with a 2 ton butt and others need a girl with no tits. I don’t understand all these rules. If she is hot then she is hot and you would hit it. The finite people are interesting as well. There has been one thread that was popular about Katy Perry and most importantly her breasts. She has nice breasts. End of thread. Or at least keep posting pictures of them, but how could you think otherwise? There were some haters, but the people that I find so fascinating are these finite people who would respond to this thread with another girl that they think has better breasts, por ejemplo Salma Hayek. Sure, hers look amazing, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stop and take a minute and talk about Katy’s sweater puppies. There is enough room in this world for both of their large heaving racks. In a perfect world, their respective cleavage would mate and produce any even more amazing set of tatas.

So my point is people are crazy for saying they wouldn’t have sex with a beautiful person in a hypothetical situation. There is a good deal of consensus on a few women on the board. I would even venture to say there are a few that are upwards of 90%, but even then there is 10% percent haters. I think there are people out there that should be getting 99% approval. The 1% are the creeps who can only get off to being beaten with whips by some woman in a diaper or something. I think Jessica Alba should get “would hit it” approval at a near 100%. I tried writing an article about her for this site once. I was googling pictures of her to get a sense of what I was going to write about and after 10 minutes *blip* I blacked out. When I awoke I was in the copy room humping the color printer. That’s how hot she is. I violated office electronics. The copier and I are still friends, but it just isn’t the same.

There is a flip side to this. There are men that I believe should be at least a 95% approval “would hit” for women. At this point, I do realize I’m being discriminatory and not saying gay men and straight women. COME ON! I don’t have all day to write this. Well I do have all day to write this, but you all demand it by lunch time and I’m not getting paid so I’m sorry if I’m defining everything in the stereotypical straight man and straight woman. I clearly think that you homo dudes with your ripped washboard abs would love kissing on these guys. Not only do I think you would be kissing on these guys given the opportunity like I think women would, but you should. Also if in a hypothetical situation where it is you, a fabulous gay man, versus some Susie homemaker straight woman and you two get offered one of these men naked and willing to do you then you should push the bitch out of the way and make a mad dash for the guy. I’m not saying “punch”, just “push”. A nice little shove that sends her stumbling while you get your legs underneath you to make that sprint for whatever guy it is. Ok? Anyway, you may already be guessing where I’m going with this.

This 95% approval is what I call “The Taye Diggs Corollary”.

Why?

BOOM! That’s why!

KA-BLAM! There’s another one!

This has been mentioned and clearly needed its own post, I believe all women want to have sex with Taye Diggs. By all I mean at least the 95%. If you say that you don’t want to have sex with Taye Diggs then you are either related to Taye Diggs or you’re wrong. And I’m willing to allow for 5% “wrong” people. There are some clear answers in this world. Best country? USA. Best Metallica album? Master of Puppets. Favorite Power Ranger? Amy Jo Johnson. Outside of that, if 95% of people are on one side of a “debate” then why do you want to be apart of the other 5%? That’s like rooting for the Hawks in the climatic finale game in The Mighty Ducks! You’re not cheering for Gordon Bombay and his rag tag crew of hockey misfits!?! Come on in and join the team. We have plenty of room back here in “the flying V” for everyone.

Ok, so why Taye Diggs? I think Taye Diggs fits perfectly in a cross section between being an aggressively attractive man, famous and rich, but not pretentious about it. Generally speaking, I think most people know who Taye Diggs is, but they haven’t been beaten over the head by his name or his celebrity like other actors. I could see people hating Tom Cruise. I think he is an amazing actor who has appeared in a lot of great films. He also is a complete jackass for being not only a Scientologist, but an insanely avid one. He also is real creepy with his enthusiasm and energy. I could see people being put off by Tom by the enormity of his fame and wealth that they don’t even want to deal with him and in fact may actually dislike him for it. At the same time, I believe women who say they wouldn’t sleep with him are ridiculous and liars, but let’s just move past that. Taye is famous, but he isn’t traipsing around telling women how they are supposed to handle postpartum depression or what religion to follow or jumping around on Oprah’s couch.

Taye’s acting resume is also almost perfectly tailored for women to want to tear his clothes all the seconds of all the days. First and foremost, How Stella Got Her Groove Back. POW! Winston Shakespeare! You’re kidding me right? They might as well have called him Dr. Wet Panties, Esquire. He’s also played numerous love interests in The Wood, The Best Man and Brown Sugar. So we’re making a movie? Ok. And we need a male love interest that is black, great looking, smart, dignified, wouldn’t be surprised if he was literally rich or at the very least emotionally rich like he some how figured out life’s purpose and is living his life in accordance to that and not the traditional definition of having a big house, do you know anyone? Taye Diggs. BAM! The character needs to sing? TAYE MOTHERFUCKING DIGGS! And yes, mothers would fuck him too.

Have you heard of RENT? Have you heard of Wicked? Because Taye Diggs has. He was in those damn shows. You know who loves Rent? Chicks and gay men. You know who loves Wicked? Chicks and gay men. You know who love Taye Diggs? Am I making myself clear? Taye Diggs may have been genetically created in a lab with lasers to be arguably the greatest choice for women to spread their legs for. The dude has been all over Broadway and chicks love Broadway. He can sing and dance and you know what else he is on?

Television! He was on Ally McBeal and has done guest spots on other girl shows like Will & Grace. But, of course, the mother of all parts has been his side character on Private Practice. Taye Diggs is a walking/talking/dancing/singing/modeling/acting scented candle warm bubble bath vibrator of a man. And in that picture he is wearing glasses. You know why people have glasses because they need to SEE THINGS and what do people with glasses need to see WORDS and you know where there are a lot of words? COLLEGE! The dude went to Syracuse University. He plays a smart guy on TV and is one in real life. So we got – chick flicks, chick TV shows, chick Broadway, and this son of a beautiful woman is the damn owner of a BFA in Musical Theater from the fighting Orangemen of Syracuse. What else could possibly make this guy more of a catch?

He is from New Jersey.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! POW! PCHOO! PCHOO! PSCHURR! PSCHURR! BOOM! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! DSHERRR! BOOSH! BOOSH! BRRUUMM! DISCH! KA-BLAM!

I really wish I knew how to write explosion sounds better and gun shots better. But yeah that happened. Taye Diggs is the perfect storm of man. I’m just saying he seems to me to meet every and all criteria I feel like I could think of. I could even add in that he is married and is a father and his wife is beautiful and talented and they met working together on Broadway and she isn’t some random floozy chick. I think that is great stuff too. So all of that. All of this plus the way he looks thrown together and I think chicks should all say “yes” to Taye Diggs.

Personally, I like Taye Diggs for two movies: Go and The Way of the Gun. I also like Equilibrium and Malibu’s Most Wanted. But Go and The Way of the Gun are great great flicks. I have watched both a lot. The Way of the Gun specifically is a movie I down right love. I love everything about that movie. Not really because of Taye, but he is good in it. Ryan Phillipe is good, James Caan is good, the storyline is good, all the action scenes are good. But Benecio Del Toro is the mf-ing man in that movie. As for Go, that movie is simply very enjoyable from start to finish.

In conclusion, Taye Diggs y’all. I don’t see a single reason why a woman would answer “no” if she was asked if she would hypothetically have sex with him. I hear about those “freebie” lists for married couples. Who would your husband or wife have to allow you to sex with if given the opportunity? I get those and Taye Diggs doesn’t need to be on those lists. You know why? Because he is a given. Taye Diggs is like accounting for gravity. He is already in the equation. If I was married and my wife had the opportunity to have sex with Taye Diggs then she have better have done it. God only offers a certain amount of chances in life and you need to seize them when they are presented. If she asked me if it was ok I would respond “do what you gots to do” or “yes”.

If my wife did have the opportunity to have sex with Taye Diggs and chose not to? I’m not saying we would get divorced. I’m not saying I would dump her immediately. But I would think about it. What kind of crazy woman have I married who would pass up the opportunity to have sex with Taye Diggs? It would really make me wonder what marriage I have gotten into. I mean we might get divorced or break-up. That could happen. It could also happen that we stay together and then for the rest of the time together I seriously question her decision making abilities like I had never questioned before. Hey, honey you should try the “orange chicken” from that new Chinese place. It’s great. Hmmmm… “great”? I’m pretty sure having sex with Taye Diggs would’ve been “great”, but you passed that shit up. What do you know about “great”? I wouldn’t say it out loud, but I would be thinking it.

Are you apart of the willing and winning 95%? You should be.

Can you think of any others who fit “The Taye Diggs Corollary”?

I Want You To Be Nice Until It’s Time To Not Be Nice

Subtitle: I only watch MTV if Rob Dyrdek is on

As mentioned on several occasions, I read the comments section. I make an initial scan for the words “fuck” and “Jordan” preceded by the phrase “I want to”. I focus in on those sentences. I study them. I make several mental notes of them: print, cursive, calligraphy. I then take three slow deep breadths in through the nose and out through the mouth. Then I remember I read it on the internet and everything you read on the internet is LIES! Cock teases.

I’m just kidding. Everything written on the internet cannot be lies. Case in point: Kristen Stewart wants IT. Kristen does in fact want IT. And that was written on the internet and it is true so the premise “everything you read on the internet is LIES!” has to be false.

It does reminds me of a scene in CKY2K. “I would die for Ricky Martin.” “I don’t see you dying.” And then Bam Margera jumps out of a moving truck into a bush and then “Come to Daddy” by Aphex Twin starts to play. “I want to fuck Jordan.” “I don’t see you fucking Jordan.” And then “Come to Daddy” by Aphex Twin starts to play.

Nevertheless, I do eventually read all the comments and all their brilliance. I see a lot of you want me to talk about the VMAs, so I will. At the same time, I will randomly jump off topic to a completely different topic that seems to have no connection in the least bit with the previous topic for humorous results. This happens because my brain is either a series of broken train tracks and the out of control thought train is continuously jumping from track to track or my brain is functioning at such a high level that my thoughts actually transcend any relevance limitations.

VMAs

The MTV Video Music Awards. Honestly, if someone asked me last week if the VMAs were still an annual occurrence I probably would have hit them in the face. Who are you? Why are you asking me these questions I do not know the answer to? Stop messing with my brain! I guess that the VMAs still happen. I’m not sure why or how, but those questions don’t seem to stop anyone else in TV i.e. NCIS: Los Angeles.

 

Do people still watch the VMAs? What relevancy do these “awards” even have? MTV doesn’t play music and hasn’t since… well… ever, right? Do they even make music videos anymore? Where the hell would you even watch them? Not MTV and not MTV 2. The internet? A follow-up question, if you’re spending your free time to watch movies on the internet why isn’t it porn?

Even more of a follow-up question, who buys porn? Seriously!?! Unless you count strip clubs as porn then I have never spent a dollar on porn in my life. Porn is like a +$3 billion industry, but who the hell is spending money on it? For the life of me I cannot figure out this. If you have a computer and an internet connection then porn has always been free.

You used to have to download it. You used to have a file sharing program of some sort. You used to have to go through the leg work and actually search it, download it, wait for the download, and hide it on your computer in an intricate network of sub-folders with innocuous titles that no one would ever be curious about opening like “Out of focus family photos” or “Heroes episodes”. Now, you can just stream it. They made porn even that much more accessible. It is 100% free on the internet and yet it makes more money than the actual movie industry.

Someone at the White House needs to swallow some pride (that’s what the pornstar said) and ask the porn industry how they are profitable and apply it to all companies. Could you imagine the car industry legitimately giving away free cars for use, at any time during the day, any day of the year, any type of car, with unlimited free gas and still somehow turn an insane profit? It does not make sense. How does the porn industry do it?

Hmmm… anyway. So the VMAs are still on TV for no apparent reason. A television channel’s awards show for music that isn’t played on that channel and for the corresponding videos that are also not played on that channel. I love America. No rhyme, no reason, no problem.

Kanye West

The big story is that Kanye West jumped up on stage and took the microphone from Taylor Swift because he felt that Beyonce should have won the award that Taylor Swift just won. I read that Kanye was drunk, so that makes sense. I’ve been drunk before. Shit happens when you are drunk. The situation has already righted itself by Kanye crying on Jay Leno and saying he is taking a break.

 

I will tell you my favorite part of the whole ordeal was Taylor Swift’s comment about what was going on in her head, “I was standing on stage because I was really excited because I had just won the award. And then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage. And then I wasn’t so excited anymore after that.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I can’t think of anything funnier than that.

I am a little surprised that no one has likened this to when Ol’ Dirty Bastard jumped up on stage when Puffy won. I’m surprised no one has said that, but the circumstances are 100% different. First and foremost, Kanye didn’t jump up there because he lost. He jumped up there because Beyonce lost. Secondly, this wasn’t even a “music” award. It was a “video” award. Not only did Beyonce have nothing to do with making her music video besides being it, but same goes for Ms. Swift. If anyone should have jumped up on stage it should have been the director or producer of Beyonce’s video stealing the spotlight from the director or producer of Taylor Swift’s video.

 

Nevertheless, Kanye is an idiot. He is a complete caricature of himself at this point. Everyone thinks that he is an irrational cry baby who flips out at awards shows and guess what? He in fact is an irrational cry baby who flips out at awards shows. As for Taylor Swift…. She’s 19? Fuck yeah! I was worried that she was underage because she looks it, but she isn’t. Hot. Taylor Swift is attractive. She is so sweet and innocent looking. I bet she can communicate with animals. Not like a crocodile, but chipmunks.

I bet she can skip through the forest bare foot with dandelions sprouting up from where each of her porcelain white feet land. Her blonde hair shining in the streams of sunlight that cut through the trees. A pack of chipmunks (A flock? A murder? A murder of chipmunks?) run up to her. They all wag their bushy tails and she smiles her effervescent smile. “Do you have something to tell me, you cute little chipmunks?”  And then the chipmunks say…. “Thank God you’re legal. I’ve been fantasizing about you in secret for the past year and well now I don’t have to feel ashamed anymore.”

 

In the article I read about Kanye/Swift-gate, they mentioned that Katy Perry and Pink were twittering during the show. Katy Perry’s tweet about the situation was pretty humorous. She wrote that Kanye doing that to Taylor was like Kanye stepping on a kitten. That’s comedy gold right there. Stepping on kittens is hilarious. Good job Katy.

Joking aside that was a cute tweet. I like Katy Perry. She is pretty hot and she writes songs about how girls should kiss other girls. I think she is doing a lot of good in this world. I think there should be more Katy Perry. She should be on a grander stage sharing these ideals of hers. If the GOP knew what was good for them (which they don’t) then they would make a Perry/Palin ticket for 2012. Talk about the big tent party. Big tent in my pants party more like it! Hey-oooh. Political humor.

Meanwhile, Pink’s twat/tweet was that Kanye West was the “biggest piece of shit in the world” and that we could quote her on it. Really? I think I could easily think of a top ten list of people who are bigger pieces of shit than Kanye West without even breaking a sweat. Here we go:

1. The person who has killed the most people in this world without any justification

2. The person who has killed the second most people in this world without any justification

3. The person who has killed the third most people in this world without any justification

4. The person who has killed the fourth most people in this world without any justification

5. The person who has killed the fifth most people in this world without any justification

6. The person who has killed the sixth most people in this world without any justification

7. Mike Vick

8. The person who has killed the seventh most people in this world without any justification

9. The person who has killed the eighth most people in this world without any justification

10. The person who has killed the ninth most people in this world without any justification

See? No sweat. Well a little sweat. It is hot in here and I drank a huge cup of coffee and I’m wearing a suit. Speaking of:

I have been peppering this post with the pictures of Kristen Stewart and her new hair-do. I like it. I like girls with short hair. Don’t go chopping your locks off just yet. I also like girls with long hair. If it works it works. I think it looks good on Kristen. It at least looks a billion times better than what she had. I wouldn’t mind a switch back to her long hair because I think she looked the best with that. I’m not 100% sold on her having black hair. I think she looked best with the red hair and with her light brown hair.

As for the pictures themselves, she still wants it.

 

If you hadn’t noticed, the post title is a reverence to Road House with Patrick Swayze and sadly he died from pancreatic cancer. Just thought I should mention that if the reference got lost. Road House may be the movie I’ve learned the most from in life. It is a beautiful story about a philosopher warrior who takes down crime in a small town by being a local bouncer. Also you see his butt in it, win win right? Even more sadly, they are already remaking Red Dawn, which is motherfucking blasphemous.

And here is yesterday’s suit picture that I forgot to work into that post:

WOLVERINES!