My Wish For The Top 10 Trending Topics On Yahoo

The website I go to more than any other on any given day is Yahoo. A big reason is I have a yahoo email address that I’ve used for the better part of a decade. I admit that I definitely check this email address for new email way too often. So often one would actually think the emails I do get are national security level importance emails. Emails containing up to the minute near live coverage of nuclear weapons being sold to terrorists on the black market of some third world country and somehow these emails are being sent to me and then I’m forwarding them to the proper Anbu black ops Marine snipers who need to kill said terrorists and recover the dangerous nuclear weapons. That is how often and how steadily I check my email as if emails like those were awaiting my immediate attention.

In reality, my email box is usually full of dick jokes courtesy of my college friends. If not dick jokes from pals who sought higher education together, my email box has every once and awhile freelance work emails, which are important. And, the third category would be newsletter emails from websites I bought something from once like 1800 Flowers, Macys, Nordstroms, Everlast (boxing equipment, not the guy who was in House of Pain and then told us “what it’s like” in his solo venture) et cetera. The final category of emails is UFC Forum emails. The UFC has its own web board and I guess they were in need of Moderators. It doesn’t pay anything, which is good because I rarely go onto that web board, so I can’t be fired as a moderator. I get at least a dozen emails a day from whiny brats complaining someone is being mean to them and I should ban that person because of it. 99% of the time, I ignore these emails. It’s the internet – everyone is mean! And, just be mean back! It is anonymous. If some idiot calls you an idiot then call them an idiot. Why not? It’s the internet – everyone is mean and this is all fake.

I do once in a green Moon go onto the UFC web board solely to ban someone and delete every post they have posted on the site. That is somewhat satisfying. “Would you like to ban them for a day, 15 days, a month, 90 days or forever?” Well… FOREVER!!!! ALWAYS FOREVER!!! If I was in that movie The Box where I had to hit a button to kill some random human being on Earth and I got a million dollars – if I could be convinced by Frank Langella with half a face that this isn’t a Twilight Zone episode and if I hit the button that random person killed wasn’t me and was in fact one of the people who actually posts on the UFC web board and complains or is complained about – I’d hit it Usain Bolt fast.

So, I’m on Yahoo a lot because of all this. I love the “Trending Now” feature they added whenever they added it. I always take a look at it. I check my email, I check the front page article and I check the “Trending Now”. Sometimes before I click on why these random ass topics are trending, I like to take a guess or make a tiny wish to myself what is causing these people or things to trend. That’s what today’s post is about motherfuckers – get into it.

1. Jay-Z

He’s dead. Awwwwww… why? Why do you say such things, Kay-Swilt-Chamberlain-Jizzle? Jay-Z is not dead. But I cannot be the only one who sees a name trending at number 1 and thinks “oh shit, did Zsa Zsa Gabor die or is she just in the fucking hospital again?” False alarm, Jay-Z isn’t dead. The credibility of hip hop is definitely dead because of Jay-Z, so maybe they arrested Jay-Z for the murder of a legitimate art form. Nope. Damn it! So Jay-Z is doing a concert(s) with Eminem. *shrugs*.

I wish Jay-Z was trending because he decided to actual quit the literal rapping business to become a rap entrepreneur who basically just gives money to young rappers and studio time to them and doesn’t at all try to influence them in making the exact same music he has made for the past 10 years. Or I wish that Jay-Z came out against Pitchfork’s rating of the best songs from the past decade and his lady Beyonce’s song “Crazy in Love” is definitely not the #3 song of the past decade. Jay-Z feels flattered that they would think that song was that good, but Jay is from the streets and he knows that that song shouldn’t even be included in the top 100 songs from the past decade let alone nearly leading the list. Also, Jay-Z apologizes for ruining everyone’s brain for the first few months of this year with the refrain “NEW YORK! BIG LIGHTS WILL INSPIRE YOU! IN NEW YORK!” Ugh… it will probably stick in my head again.

2. Jodie Sweetin

The chick from Full House. No, not the oldest one who became real religious. No, not the youngest one who was played by those twins who fell in love with cocaine. No, not the one with the flowing black mullet – that was UNCLE Jessy, he was a man. Remember the sporty spice middle sister? That’s Jodie Sweetin. I know that Jodie was pregnant because that trended a month ago. I’m guessing this is that she gave birth to that pregnancy.

What I wish? Jodie Sweetin completed the Highlander task of sword fighting to death all the other cast members of Full House and now SHE IS THE ONLY ONE… who gets to collect residuals from syndication. SYNDICATION! I would love to watch a Scott Pilgrim vs. The World spoof where Jodie Sweetin must defeat in anime/video game style battles the Olsen twins, Candace Cameron, Dave Coulier, John Stamos and, lastly, Bob Saget. Also, Kimmy Gibbler at some point saves Sweetin, but dies in the process as well.

I get why the Olsen Twins have continued to be crazy famous, but Jodie Sweetin grew up to be a great looking girl. Candace shunned the spotlight. The Olsen Twins embraced it, but they are both mildly attractive and nightmare scary at the same time. Meanwhile, Jodie grew up to be girl next door cute and she had one upside over the Twins – she has BOOBS! Pretty big ones. I’m surprised we haven’t seen more of her because of that. She did have the Fuse show Pants Off Dance Off, but who the hell actually watched it?

3. Lauryn Hill

She’s baaaaaaacccckkkkk!! I think this is about her new album and that she is playing a concert with Snoop Dogg and the Wu-Tang in California. Yep, I was right. Honestly, that is exactly what I want Lauryn Hill to be trending for. Lauryn Hill will probably not go down in history as the highly regarded artist as she should be because she keeps falling off the radar on purpose. Lauryn will completely capture the attention of the music industry and America and once she does so, she disappears for 5 years to then come back and do the same thing again. She clearly is very talented and she clearly has some issues with being in the public eye or something. She is undoubtedly crazy talented and her worst songs are better than Beyonce’s “best” songs. Anyway, Ms. Hill is back for the moment and I hope her new album is excellent. This would be a great time for her to put out a great album. Right now, there seems to be a near limitless cache of female singers who are popular now. Most of them are cookie cutter versions of each other who are making club pop songs. It would be nice for Lauryn Hill to show the depth that a female artist can have for the 3rd or 4th time now and not fall off the face of the Earth.

4. Scholarships

Did the world become smart? Scholarships!?! Aren’t we all a bunch of dumbasses who can’t graduate high school? Fair enough. I don’t think anyone can confuse what the scholarships are for. But my fingers are crossed that the scholarships are for students looking to study science in particular. President Obama has made many comments about education and getting the US back in the seat of power in math and science. I think the way to do that is make math and science sexy – thus “Sexy Scientists”. I’m sure you need to know math to know science. I think Obama needs to start a campaign in re-inventing our image of scientists as baller ass celebrities. We need to get kids excited about science. Give scientists some attitude. I make cell phones, bitch! I’m curing cancer, motherfucker! I made watermelons seedless! I’M THE ILLEST SHIT EVER!

Also, I’m dying for scientists to just make teleporters already. I want to visit Australia without sitting on a 15 hour (is it longer than 15?) plane flight. First class or economy? Fuck it. I want TELEPORTATION!

5. Matthew McConaughey

Is he announcing he’ll be in a good movie? Because that would BLOW MY MIND! Outside of his near cameo role in Tropic Thunder it has been 8 years since I’ve seen a McConaughey movie I liked. I’m talking Reign of Fire. It is a decent enough movie and McConaughey looks like a badass in it. Some of you ladies may have enjoyed How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – I haven’t sat through it and admitting I have would just be another knock against me on this website. So I fucking watched Gilmore Girls! I didn’t buy a Gilmore Girls duvet cover for my bed or anything. And what if I did!? What would be so wrong with going to sleep every night with both the warmth and comfort of Lorelai and Rory Gilmore in blanket form holding me?

Oh, McConaughey is trending because some clothing company remembered he was really good looking and hired him for an ad campaign. Shock me, shock me. EdTV and A Time to Kill are over 10 years old. Make a good movie damn it!

6. Jackie Evancho

No clue who this is. She is on America’s Got Talent and she is 10 and she can sing well. Um, well she is 10, so I will feel a little weird making fun of her. I try to keep all sexual advances and all slighting remarks to people at least old enough to see an R-rated movie by themselves. So Jackie gets a pass. Eh, fuck that. She’s 10? I bet she annoys the shit out of her parents, am I right? Kids are so annoying. She is in 3rd or 4th grade, right? She’s probably just learning about science and history. Did you know that salt is really sodium-chlor… sodium-chloriii… Yeah! Sodium Cholride! I know! I’m a grown ass man. I know what it is and you really don’t ever need to know what it is unless you become a sexy scientist. Did you know that Christopher Columbus discovered America in 14- Yes! Yes I did know that. What I also know, is that he didn’t discover America. You’ll find that out too. They’ll teach you he discovered this place and then a minute later the Pilgrims came over and made Thanksgiving, but all of that is lies. LIES! The dude didn’t even touch foot on American soil. And they all were a bunch of genocidal murderers anyway. Life is bleak and history is soaked in the blood of the weak. Get used to it kid.

Jackie does have a lovely singing voice.

7. Windows Mobile Phones

Windows for mobile phones? Or is Windows meaning Microsoft making a mobile phone? I bought an iphone last year hoping that would be the end of my involvement with “smart phones”. I hate that there are 600 smart phones out there and I’m constantly being peppered by new ones. I don’t care! I just wanted a phone that worked with good reception. Now I’m supposed to want a sleek and sexy phone that can take Louvre quality photos, email, text, streaming blu-ray quality movies, make me laugh and cry, play games on, work as a stereo, find me a girlfriend and whether it actually makes phone calls is really trivial at this point.

I did download the Netflix app on my iphone. It is pretty amazing that I could watch La Bamba in HD on my cell phone, but I really don’t know how/when that will come into play in my life. I guess it is cool that that is an option. I’m also of the opinion that with all this garbage of downloading apps, streaming videos, playing videogames, texting, emailing, surfing the internet and blah blah blah is the reason why my cell phone has 70% chance of dropping any call over 10 minutes.

8. Michael Douglas

Michael Douglas has throat cancer in stage 4. I didn’t know Michael Douglas had throat cancer in stage 1, 2 or 3. How many stages are there? Hopefully a million because Michael Douglas is a good actor and I enjoy a lot of his movies. If you haven’t seen the movie Wonder Boys then you are currently wasting your life. I sincerely mean that because with all that I know about people and what people like in movies – Wonder Boys has a lot of it. Great movie. Witty dialogue, fast pace, liberal smoking of marijuana, gays, people dabbling in being gay, guns, smart people, hot college age chicks who act older than they are making it ok that Michael Douglas is banging them, Robert Downey Jr.

I will say that Wall Street 2 with Shia will suck a big dick. That’s right. I couldn’t think of anything too clever for that one. A big hairy dick that smells funny. Like cabbage and sweat. Shia is the reason why that movie will suck. Also, Oliver Stone being a fucking moron will be the reason too. Also, because no one asked for a sequel nor did anyone wonder about a sequel and then 100 years later one just happens and it is with Shia and it will suck this nasty ass dick.

9. Retirement Planners

OLD PEOPLE! Or young people who just hate their jobs so much they are actively planning out how many days and hours they have to actually work to secure their retirement. I don’t even know what my plan is for Labor day weekend, let alone what my plan is for where I’m moving in a couple months, let alone what I want to do for the rest of my life, let alone retirement. So, this bores me to tears.

10. Hurricane Evacuation

EARL!!!!!!!! I bet $1000 to no one because I can’t really part with $1000 if I’m wrong that Hurricane Earl doesn’t effect any of the people who have made this topic trend. We love hyping up weather in this country. So, Earl is most likely not going to do a thing to the North East of the US. Maybe some rain and wind as if that has never happened before in the history of the United States. AHHH IT IS WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY!!!!!

So, that’s that.

Questions for Friday. Comments for any day. Labor day plans. ANYTHING!