Angelina Jolie ate my soul on Top Chef

Today will be a potpourri of subjects. Subjects that no one expected to be apart of a potpourri. A potpourri that truly stretches the meaning of a word designed to allow for miscellaneousness. A miscellaneousness that will feature television shows, movies, and my life. My life is being haunted by a noise. This noise is the most horrible noise I have heard. I have heard some horrible noises in my day. That day was the summer of Junior year of college and awoken to what was previously the most horrible noise I have heard. The heard noise was my friend part sleeping, part snoring, part almost throwing up, and part peeing himself. He was attempting to pee on a wall inside, but it his drunken state could not unzip his pants all the way. Not getting the zipper all the way down caused his weenus to stay in his pants. Not only did his weenus stay in his pants, but so did the urine that was escaping from it. What also escaped was the phlegm and vomit combo from drinking and smoking cigarettes all night. It was not night, it was morning. Early morning. That morning I thought that was the worst noise I had ever heard. What I heard this morning was very different in variety and not human.

The noise, which reverberated through the Jersey City streets for 3 hours this morning, sounded like one of these two if not both:

1. A newly married couple’s getaway car, which is in fact a Grave Digger-esque monster truck of death, which has a million human size aluminum cans trailing behind the truck connected by a chain of razor wire.

2. A demon grinding the souls of the damned into a fine frothy puree for some nutrient enriched breakfast shake to start said demon’s day off right.

What was the noise?

I’m not sure what the name of it is. It’s purpose was to smooth out a newly filled pothole on the street outside my apartment. It looked like a lawnmower and was apparently powered by tin cans and the butchering of the eternal spirits of evil human beings. I did not stop to ask the user of this machine if it had a name because:

1. I wasn’t going to say, “What is the name of this thing that is making the most wretched fucking noise ever? I need to know because I write some blog that a bunch of ladies on the internet read or I guess used to read. I mean, they probably still read it, but find me less amusing than they used to, so they don’t read it every day. Also, there are some guys I guess that read it too. But it seems like mostly women. They proposed marriage to me and like most marriages after all this time we’ve spent together they’ve grown bored of me. I think they’re cheating on me with some other new younger male blogger. I don’t know. Maybe I should change something. Get a new haircut or a new layout for the website, but won’t they see the charade? It’s still going to be me. Who am I kidding? It was never meant to last. We all come from such different worlds. Do they hold a grudge that I didn’t see Eclipse? Probably not, they never seem to care when I actually write about that stuff either. Woe is me, I guess. Oh, right – what’s the name of that horrible sounding gas powered machine that sounds like the Devil orgasming you are using and probably getting paid shit to use for 3 hours?”

2. I was concerned that the operator of the machine was a “deathless one” and he would have stared into my eyes and made me poop myself out of fear for the pit of horrors he would open into my mind’s eye.

Let’s just move on.

Angelina Jolie

I was thinking of doing a whole post dedicated to Angelina Jolie, but I got hung up on the awful noise I heard this morning and now do not have the time to get really in depth about Angelina Jolie’s movie career. There is news that Angelina Jolie, which I can only and always do say her full name, is being considered for some movie – shocking, right? The movie is about some woman who killed two cops and serves 15 years in jail and when she is released someone tries to kill her. Whatever. Besides that being a subject matter that I couldn’t care less about, it seems like another movie where Angelina Jolie will be playing a fairly normal human female.

Angelina Jolie does not look like a regular female human.

Angelina Jolie looks like a member of a superior alien race or an evolved human from the future.

I’m not saying that killing cops and going to jail is normal, but the sub-story of the movie isn’t that she time traveled from the 30th century to the 21st century to kill a couple cops and then her time travel pod somehow got damaged, so she stays in the 21st century and serves the 15 years in jail and when she gets out of jail someone targets her for revenge before she can make the repairs on her time machine and leave the 21st century to go back to her own time. First of all, that is a better movie than the bullshit was originally and now it would be an appropriate vehicle for Ms. Angelina Jolie.

Basically, Angelina Jolie does not look like someone you would ever run into at a Starbucks. Some movies are about people who are just ordinary people that have extraordinary things happen to them. Some movies are the extraordinary have extraordinary things happen to them. Angelina Jolie needs to stick to the latter and not the former. She does not look like some suburban person. That’s not to say there are not beautiful suburban people. But most suburban people do not look like they may have mental telepathy abilities like Angelina Jolie does. If tomorrow you read in the newspaper that Angelina Jolie has the super human ability to fly – you would be shocked, but you would be a lot more shocked if Jason Biggs could fly. You would be far less shocked if you read that Angelina Jolie had any and all of Superman’s super powers.

If I was in control of Angelina Jolie’s career, I would try to convince her that us spooning from the hours of 2pm – 6pm everyday was just as good as yoga and meditating and so forth. As far as her movie choices, she should only be playing characters that are super heroes/villains, from the future, aliens (different planet, universe or plane of existence), super models (they kind of all look like evolved humans anyway), or animated characters (she has a good voice).

Let me give an example of bad casting for Angelina Jolie – The Good Shepherd. It is a slow and long movie, but a good one. Angelina Jolie is not in it much, but she was terribly cast in this movie. It is a movie that follows Matt Damon’s character from college during the mid 20th century into early spy and espionage work during the inception of the C.I.A. Angelina Jolie’s character is the sister of Matt Damon’s college friend. So, Matt Damon is at a college reunion more or less and it just so happens his white as white can be friend’s sister is Angelina Jolie. WRONG. So we’re saying this guy, this nothing special, dime a dozen silver spoon white guy and Angelina Jolie both were concocted with the same soupy DNA mess from the same married couple? WRONG. Angelina Jolie does not look like just some guy’s sister. And even better, no one during the movie is like THAT’S YOUR SISTER! HOLY EFF! Eventually, Damon is almost forced into having sex with Angelina Jolie (so WRONG that it doesn’t make any sense) and then he ends up having to marry her because she gets knocked up in the process of the forced sex. Then the rest of the movie, Damon is all pissed he has to come home to Angelina Jolie. Just WRONG.

In the movie Changeling, Angelina Jolie played a completely normal and unspectacular pre-stock market crash mother. What? No one during the Great Depression looked like Angelina Jolie. No one now looks like her. So bad casting. In the movie Wanted, Angelina Jolie plays a superhuman secret agent who can control the direction a bullet goes once it is fired and her job is to kill people that will change the destiny of the world for the worse. Good casting. I buy that. I buy that that is actually what Angelina Jolie does day to day. If someone edited out all of James McAvoy’s parts in that movie and kept all of Angelina Jolie’s scenes intact and told me it was a documentary then I would completely buy that.

Angelina Jolie is trekking around the world nabbing poor kids and raising them under lock and key in some “We are the world” style compound in California? Sure. She probably knows what she is doing seeing as her alien race’s planet comes from a future where war does not exist and everyone speaks a million languages including being able to communicate with simple beeps and boops from robots. So, let her have all the kids. Madonna is doing the same thing? What!?! Tell that bitch to quit ruining Guy Ritchie’s career, make a new dance song for me to listen to at the bars and to leave the kids to Angelina Jolie and her extraterrestrial master race. Ok!?!

In conclusion, Angelina Jolie needs to be in more science fiction and fantasy movies that may or may definitely feature her wearing leather. She wears leather very well.

As far as television goes…

I’ve been watching Top Chef again recently. I don’t watch it all the time, but I end up watching some of it every once and awhile. Besides how gorgeous Padma is, two things that never get old:

1. Gail Simmons’ boobs.

2. The opening credits of WANTING IT.

I’ve talked about Gail Simmons and her boobs before and oddly enough it is one of the most searched terms to find this website. People want to know more about her boobs. She is on this season every once and awhile, but she does have a show of her own starting up and I’m almost tempted to watch it just to see how her boobs are doing. Sadly, in the advertisement for the show she is covering those bad girls up. Damn you, Gail! Let them out. Let them out for America.

The opening credits of Top Chef is always hysterical. They show each competitor and for some reason they usually try and make it sexy. The person is taking off their chef jacket or looks at the camera like they want IT. The girls usually are throwing their hair around. These people cook, right? This isn’t a fashion show about cooking, right? Not to say these people are attractive or unattractive, but it is completely unnecessary for the beginning of the show to have a want IT roll call. Of course, there are some people who have been on Top Chef who are good looking like Amanda

And she wants IT. She seemingly wants IT more than she can cook well because she got kicked off the show. They should give her a prize for wanting IT though. So, yeah – I was watching Top Chef when I wrote this post.

Questions for Friday.

KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Search Engine Edition

It has been awhile since I have mentioned the “search engine” or the “search engines” of the world. Even more importantly, I have not mentioned the people who use these engines of search and find their way, I would suppose, haphazardly through the curing of their search engine results. Regardless of my none mentioning, it is still happening everyday that people who have never heard of this website are finding it from some impossibly true search query that just so amazingly directs them to whatever this is. “Whatever this is“? Whatever THIS IS.

So, in all fairness to the people who do not particularly help shape this website and whatever IT IS – today’s post will about them. The regulars, the commenting staff, the avatar havers and the recognizable jazzy aliases – aliasi – all have made contributions to whatever THIS IS for good or for bad in their own ways and in doing so have for good or for bad been inexplicably tied to IT IS that makes THIS the IS that IT IS. And in that way, today is also your day, but it is in an indirect fashion.

Today is for the little people. Not of little stature, but of little log in time to these reoccurring words that this site provides. Nay we do not discriminate to the stature or even statues of the little – the littler people. Nay we do not do that. Why? Because I don’t want to be apart of any club that Shakira is not apart of. Shakira is tiny, almost minuscule. Action figure size. Fits in pockets. Travel ready. And I can think of other short people who are great outside of Shakira like Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan is pretty great. He’s really short. Like “I would be surprised if he ever rode a roller coaster” short. But he does his stand-up comedy and is a professional Mixed Martial Arts commentator for the UFC. Did you know he trains MMA too? He sounds pretty great. Oh! And News Radio! Remember that? That show was funny.

I guess what I’m getting at is that … FUCK! … Jason Schwartzman! He’s tiny. I’ve talked about him. He’s even better than Joe Rogan. He has great taste in projects. He can play an amusing side-character or play a worthwhile lead. Sammy Davis Jr. was short too. And Napoleon Bonaparte! He was short. Wow, I am on a roll naming short people who have actually added a lot to society as a whole. But I digress…

I was talking about the shortness in stay and not shortness in stature. I’m referring to the people who venture to this website for a brief wham-bam-thank-you-maam mind fuck and then retreat to regular reality. This day is for them. And for Shakira. Oh Shakira. I wish I could spend my days with you. I would carry you when you would get tired. I would clean the dust off your ceiling fan that you cannot reach. I would also constantly talk about how hot it is wherever we were together and how we should take off our clothes because it is so hot and these clothes are just weighing us down physically as well as mentally. Everyone knows the best way to get in touch with your Latin music roots is to be naked and to be have sex with your hired tall guy help who can reach for the refined sugar box that is behind the wine glasses on the top shelf of the kitchen.

Here is the list. These are the most searched terms of the past week. I believe they are because this is what WordPress tells me. But it could be LIES ALL LIES! I have also bolded some of my favorites.

gail simmons breasts
kristen stewart
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one dead dog lolcats
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womenover60
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what do women over 50 want
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kristen stewart who wants to see her naked
60 year old ladies who like to fuck
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kesha pretty
search naked 60 year old women
free kristen stewart porn

Seriously, the internet has spoken and besides Kristen Stewart “wanting IT”, they want Gail Simmons’ breasts. And I fully agree. The second most searched term that has lead people to this website is “gail simmons breasts”. If you type into google that phrase, my article is the first thing that pops up. And I like that, but at the same time that means there have been no breath through in this regard. No one has taken the ball and ran with it.

AMERICA, nay – THE WORLD, WANTS TO SEE GAIL SIMMONS IN LOW CUT TOPS WITH BIG BUSTY CLEAVAGE POURING OUT!

And I agree with these people. Enough of young Hollywood. I want some random cook on TV to be spilling out of her top in every episode of whatever TV show she is on. Top Chef, right? Either way! The ratings are there and waiting! If Gail started wearing what we all want her to wear and show off what she was seemingly comfortable enough to show off to warrant the few pictures we have of her cleavage then I can only assume by these quick estimates that Top Chef would have higher ratings than the Super Bowl.

I was going to mention Gail Simmons’ boobs and you got 2600 words

What to write about? What to write about? What to write about? What to write about? Indeed, this is quite the quandary. I have several ideas floating around my head. I have ideas that I think will be enough to fill a page, but not upwards of 4 to 6. I could try to stretch those ideas. I could stretch them out like a ball of silly putty. Grab two handfuls on either side and pull in opposite directions. Two thick masses at the end and paper thin in the middle. I could stretch one idea that was only meant for a paragraph or two until its breaking point, so I’ll be left with a rich beginning and end, but a great big bridgeless chasm in the middle. That is tempting.

Tempting like Gail Simmons’ cleavage tempting. I watch Top Chef occasionally. I did not start watching it until the third or fourth season. The show is good. I was sold on the show by three individuals: Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio, and, the aforementioned, Gail Simmons. The contestants I find all very forgettable and I wouldn’t eat most of these dishes they make. I am a simple eater: meat and potatoes. I do not need “grape reductions” or “foie gras” or “fennel”. I did not know what “fennel” was prior to watching Top Chef and I’m still a little sketchy on what it is now. Nevertheless, if I’ve learned anything from Top Chef (minus the rant about boobs that will follow this paragraph) it is that “fennel” is appropriate in EVERY CONCEIVABLE THING YOU MOTHERFUCKING COOK EVER! Who knew? But they all use it in everything.

Back to the holy trinity of Padma, Colicchio and Gail. Let’s leave Colicchio until the end shall we. “Boobs first, New Jersey second.” That’s my saying and I’m sticking to it. I had never heard of Padma or Gail before watching this show. I now know way too much about Padma. I know about her childhood and how/where she got that scar on her arm. I know about her and Salman Rushdie. I know about her sexual “daddy” issues. And I’m a better man for it. I don’t know too much about Gail. I know she is married. That’s about it. Her background was not nearly as exotic as Padma’s. So what about Padma?

SHE’S FUCKING GORGEOUS! That is an understatement. Padma is an exceptionally attractive woman. Amazing body, amazing face, amazing skin and she’s a model so her posing is perfection. Also, she apparently has a discernable palate. I’m pretty sure I remember her having no background in cooking or food preparation. Her background is she’s so effing hot that she has been taken to all the greatest and most expensive restaurants in the world by insanely wealthy men. She may have never braised any short ribs* herself, but she has eaten braised short ribs in over half the countries of the world and at their most famous restaurants no less. Padma is a great host because her sheer hotness has an authority to it. You take what she says as truth because her gold aura tells you so. You take her words as law because you want to succumb to her raven haired glory.

When looking at Padma I feel like I am not looking at a false golden calf idol, but instead I am looking at how God intended us all to look if he had just been given 2 weeks instead of 1 to make the world and if places like McDonald’s and Mrs. Fields didn’t exist. Padma’s beauty spreads warmth through a room like a space heater. It is a pleasant and religious experience gazing upon Padma. Where as Padma’s looks are brain melting as a whole, Gail Simmons’ breasts make me want to chew concrete. Gail and her cleavage make me furious. 

Simply, I just want to grab them. And other things, but first “grab”. Gail is mocking me with her cleavage. She is mocking us all, but there are women out there who have beautiful cleavage of their own. As we all know, the best way to fight fire is with more fire. Additionally, I have seen that one must take their own fire and press it hard and rub it against thoroughly the original fire. And videotape it. Or at least take enough pictures where I can put them in a Gif file and create the movement that way. And send it to me. That last part is necessary as well. I’m saying that you should get all cleavagey (send me the pictures for approval) then track down Gail and her cleavage and then make the cleavages do battle.

When Padma and Gail talk I have no idea what they are saying. They speak English and Padma’s voice actually sounds quite melodious, but I can’t hear a fucking word they are saying because of extenuating circumstances. For Padma, her beauty is white noise. The physical sight of her is so powerful that it also transmutates (real word because I said it) sonically and destroys any other audio. For Gail, my constant inner-monologue angry mumbling of “I just want to fucking grab those things” drowns out whatever she is saying. My love for Gail and her rack should not lead you to the following conclusions: 1. I do not notice Padma’s rack and 2. I do not notice the rest of Gail. In total, Gail is a good looking woman, but not talking about her breasts above all would be like talking of the Indianapolis Colts’ undefeated season thus far and failing to mention that Peyton Manning is leading that team. Sure the Colts are a good team. Their defense is fast and sack happy (much like you cock teases – operation find and what? You know what city I live in) and they have quite the range of All Pro level talent on offense like Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne. BUT THAT CLEAVAGE! BUT PEYTON MANNING! And the former, Padma’s got some amazing boobs of her own and they are getting bigger. 

Boobs, check. New Jersey? Tom Colicchio is the man. Much like “fennel”, I had no idea who Tom Colicchio was before Top Chef and now I really want to meet him, I don’t want any “fennel” though. I don’t even care about eating his food. I’ve looked over the menus for his restaurants and it seems great and all, but I want to meet him because of his disposition. First, he is from Jersey which is a plus. I just have to mention that as much as possible, I’m legally obligated to do so as a Jersey resident. His “disposition”! Tom Colicchio is a grruff dude. He is grruff like the odd facial stubble soul patch he is rocking this season. He is grruff like the double rr’s I use when I write grruff which should be rolled as si eso es en Español. Tom Colicchio has disdain for these competitors.

One of the greatest treats on Top Chef is Colicchio’s reactions to the explanations by a contestant. During the final judgment, the contestants have an opportunity to rationalize why they have fucked up making creme brulee or why their chicken was undercooked. Usually, the chefs give horrendous excuses. And that is just how Colicchio sees it: “excuses”. They’ve messed up. Their soup was too thin, their duck was too salty, their vegetables were over cooked and their strip steak was so rare it was still mooing. Why? Because they suck! They are not professionals, they’re stupid and they’ve messed up! They didn’t budget their time appropriately because they’re idiots! They think eggs are supposed to be runny because they’re morons!

Colicchio – “You made a salad to go with your filet. The lettuce in the salad was not crunchy and appeared lifeless. Why is that?”

Contestant – “I didn’t spend enough time in the grocery store looking for the right lettuce because I was too busy with the butcher getting the filets cut just right.”

Colicchio stares a hole through the contestant saying with his eyes, “You are a simpleton and your steak wasn’t any good either.”

Colicchio doesn’t have much to work with because they usually give half assed responses like the above. These people are there not because they can wax poetically or because they have any oratory skills at all. They are there because they can make a Bolognese sauce while standing on their head in less than 10 minutes with Colicchio, Padma and Gail’s plunging neck line staring them down.

What does this have to do with Kristen Stewart?

Absolutely nothing, yet again! So do they want it? Does Padma and her flawless physical appearance want it? Does Gail and her juggs want it? Does Colicchio and his scornful looks want it? Can Kristen Stewart cook? Is Kristen Stewart a vegetarian? Are the New Jersey Nets the worst team in NBA history? Am I working on a couple creative projects outside of daily blogs for y’all that you may or may not be interested in?

Kind of. Sometimes and yes if you are an older strict man. She doesn’t, but they do. Not really and no. Probably not or at least I wouldn’t trust her to. I’m curious if she is a vegetarian or if she eats food at all. Yes, they are the worst team ever. I’m actually working on two projects: drawing and writing something else.

You all seem pretty full of yourselves and each other lately, so I don’t know if you even care. Demanding in the comments section without giving me anything in return. Oh show us your dick or write about this or whatever. What do I get in return? Oh I hope he gets mad and scolds us. Great present. This symbiotic relationship is completely out of whack. You’re such a great writer and you make us laugh everyday so to say thank you we’ll tease you to see if you’ll get riled up to yell at us in text tomorrow. I’m a big man bear who is pestered by little girl bears who are hungry. I spot a beehive in a tree. I reach up and grab at the beehive. Even though my thick fur cannot be penetrated by the bee stings, my face is still susceptible, but I fight on regardless. I defeat the bees and break open the hive. I offer you all the delicious honey combs to eat. You do eat them and in return: you poke me with a stick and run away laughing.

So yes, there may or may not be drawings for you next week and later this month if I finish it there will be a piece of original material that may or may not change your lives forever. Bears need hugs. Or metaphorical ones do. Not real bears. They kill people who hug.

Padma’s want is directed at three things: the camera, well crafted food, and men who resemble her father. Padma has an excellent amount of want for these three things in particular, but little else outside of that. She is a model so she knows how to look sexy as shit eating a Carl’s Jr. burger like in the earlier video clip and how to look like she wants it while on the red carpet. Padma feeds on only the best designed cuisines and/or the most well intentioned attempts by these Top Chef contestants. And she admits to having “daddy issues” and her time with Rushdie was the zenith of that. I think more than anything, Padma is gorgeous and she knows it so she allows herself to radiate this beauty because others can want her and be nurtured by it. Padma’s want is giving like Mother Earth. Kristen Stewart’s want is more like the rocks, flint, tinder, sparks, fire, light et cetera. Kristen Stewart’s want is the inspiration to create fire and the power it wields. Padma’s is the heat of the fire that keeps you warm through the night.

Gail’s want has been focused and sharpened to a fine point like a tip of a spear or the edge of a blade. Except her edge and tip are two massive fatty lumps that sit high on her chest that we would all love to squeeze and rest our head on like pillows with a heartbeat. She generally doesn’t seem to want it. But the cleavage always wants it. Kristen Stewart’s primary want weapon is her eyes. She certainly shows her want with the lip biting and so forth, but her eyes are the primary weapons. Kristen Stewart’s want is like the American military. She has the army, the navy, air force and even the coast guard. But her eyes are the marines and they go first. Gail’s weaponry is more like a suicide terrorist – no gun, no training, no help, but she’s got a set of bombs on her that will make you explode… kind of clever, right? I give it a 7/10. Her breasts 10/10.

Colicchio’s want is for these dumb ass contestants to stop wasting his fucking time. This man didn’t use a reality show to jump start his career. He is a chef. He makes food, people love it, and he is rich because of it. These buffoons who show up week in and week out before him forget to use salt and pepper on their entrees and because of this he has wasted another hour on this Earth eating their food. Colicchio wants good food that was thoughtfully prepared. That’s it. He doesn’t want flash or experimental dishes. He just wants it to taste the way it should and move on. Kristen? Like I said, I don’t know if she is a vegetarian or if she eats food at all. She may only survive on the particles in the air and water…. and weed. Her want is much greater than Colicchio’s so there really is no reason to compare. Colicchio seems to be a pretty satisfied guy outside of the time he spends eating some shitty fish tacos a contestant made. He is rich, he has many restaurants, he knows how to feed himself extraordinarily well, he has the confidence to be a bald man as well as grow facial hair that looks completely ridiculous and he is from Jersey so he has that going for him also.

So they don’t want it as much as Kristen Stewart. Nevertheless, the second part of the Top Chef season finale is next week. I don’t think the younger brother is going to win. I think the older brother and the bearded guy have a better shot because they will make something simple instead of wowing the judges with something elaborate. So I like the show. I am stunned by how hot Padma is each and every time I see her. I am stunned that no one has just reached out and squeezed the shit out of Gail’s boobs. They have plenty of women and gay men on that show and it is always perfectly and legally fine if they grab a woman seemingly anywhere or at least that is what television and bars have led me to believe. And I’m stunned that Colicchio hasn’t punched someone for fucking up an eggs Benedict. All my focus when I watch this show is on those three and little else. At the end of every episode, I feel as if everything has been wiped from my brain and all I remember is I love Padma and Gail and Colicchio, but I couldn’t tell you what happened that episode that differentiates it from the last one.

Questions and comments for tomorrow’s weekly rap up should be left in the comments section or emailed to me along with cleavage pictures.

Now I’m starving from writing about food.