Kristen Stewart Wants IT and So Do I

Today! Is! The! Glorious! Day! The entries to the first ever Kristen Stewart Wants IT contest are revealed. Thank you again to all participants. Your faces will not go off into that sweet sunset in infamy, but your faces will live on in delicious famy.

I think the simplest way to do this voting, email me what pictures you believe should be in 1st place, 2nd place and 3rd place. Gold, silver and bronze selections. I thought about making a voting poll, but that just seemed like too much work. Just email – jordankswi@gmail.com – I’ll use my arithmetic to add up the votes and announce the winners at the end of the week. Each picture has a letter from the alphabet corresponding to it at the top left corner – send me your picks of 1,2,3 by the letters.

And so it begins… enjoy.

A.

B.

C.

D.

E.

F.

G.

H.

I.

J.

K.

L.

M.

N.

O.

P.

Q.

R.

S.

T.

U.

V. (reader’s face morphed with Kristen Stewart’s face)

W. (reader’s face morphed with Kristen Stewart’s face and my face)

X.

Y.

Z.

Godzilla

Please have all votes in by end of Thursday. Remember, send jordankswi@gmail.com with your choices for first, second and third place with the letter at the top left hand corner of each picture.

Thank you and good luck to everyone.

I have to say they are some good looking people out there.

This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants—- the CONTEST

I believe I have figured out the prizes for the “Kristen Stewart wants IT and so do I” contest, which will end August 9th. I will also be adding a tab about this contest at the top of the page next to the eternal question “Who is Kristen?”. I may or may not also remind everyone in every post from now to August 9th that there is a contest in which you take a picture of yourself wanting IT or doing an impersonation of Kristen Stewart wanting IT and send it to jordankswi@gmail.com and in doing so you may or may not win one of the unique prizes I have thought up for this contest.

Depending on how many entrants there are there may be multiple winners. Either way, the winner(s) will get to choose their prize instead of me deciding for them. It’s like a grab bag if the bag of the grab bag was see-thru and you know exactly what you are grabbing for in that bag of grab bagginess.

Prizes:

Jordan Newmark Short Story – I will write a short story for you and only you. This short story can be about whatever you may want. Fan fiction, horror, mystery, bunny rabbits? Your choice. The story will be under 20 pages long.

Jordan Newmark Read Audio Book – I will make an audio book for you. I will read any book of your choosing that is under 600 pages long.

Vision: Ripper Skateboard – This is an original Vision skateboard that may be from 1987. It is the “Ripper” model. It has all its original parts and it may or may not have ever been ridden ever. It was given to me as a present when I was a small child and has been taken care of and sat in my room since I was that child. Now it could be yours. Either to add to whatever shrine you have built to me or that you will have built to me or it could be used like an actual skateboard.

$40 Consumer Shopping Network gift card – for their website at csn.com

A Mess Of Crumpled $1 Bills – the mess totals in at $36

The Bad Standards Song – I have contacted the band The Bad Standards through their twitter account and they have agreed that they will write and record a song about whichever winner chooses this prize. They genre of the song may also be up for debate considering they have recorded blues songs, reggae, classic rock, prog rock, rap, soul, latin rock, dance club, world, and electro.

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Very great and very unique prizes.

But, I would like to address the negativity/skepticism and general unfunness from some of the commenting staff regarding the contest. Actually, let me address directly their comments that they may not send pictures of themselves, but can’t wait to see other people’s pictures. WRONG. If I am not satisfied with the cooperation of the commenting staff then you will not see ANY pictures from contestants. Instead the contestants with be emailed the other contestants pictures or given a link to another website where the contest can be held in a more private setting. How does that sound? This is a participation website. If you want to see what others have sent in then you too need to get involved.

Besides that, what on Earth are you people afraid of? The only person who is ever attacked on this website is me. Everyone else is great and wonderful and kisses and hugs and flowery this and flowery that and we love you “totes”, so any picture you send will be praised more than enough for your self-confidence to sky rocket past the former planet Pluto.

With that said, I have already received several entrants for this contest. To those that have emailed me their entrant pics, so quickly THANK YOU. All entrants have until August 9th, so no rush. I know some would like to really capture their want perfectly, so they may need to think up what they really want and in doing so that may take a few days. I get it.

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Lastly, I believe I only received one actual question from a commenter.

If Satan had a last name, what would it be?

Excellent question. Satan, Lucifer, The Light Bringer, The Southern Star, The Morning Star, The Devil, El Diablo et cetera is known by many names. Many many many names. One last name would not capture the spirit that all of Satan’s first names have. So, Satan would have many last names. Strangely enough I know what those last names are. Simply, anyone who does not send in an entry for the “Kristen Stewart wants IT and so do I” contest is one of the last names of the Devil. Yep. So let’s say your last name is Jones and you do not send in an entry for the contest then one of the Devil’s last names is Jones because of your non-action.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Actually I only hope you have a great weekend if you are going to enter the contest. This is my Alamo.

You Could Possibly Win Free Things From This Site

First, I would like to mention yesterday’s guest blogger Freya and thank her for writing that very lesbionic post. Actually, I should really mention first that I’m distracted watching the movie Sugar as I type this. Wait. They both can’t be “first”. One has to be second. Or do they? Ok, I think I got this.

Thank you Freya for being an excellent Dominican baseball pitcher in the minor leagues. Your struggles with steroids and same-sex feelings for big busty broads are entertaining, which is surprising since I have not liked baseball since I was a kid. Going into this post I was expecting to like it because it was directed and written by the same duo who made Half Nelson. I will admit I’m finding the storyline a bit confusing because I came late into Dita Von Teese. I also cannot get enough of Christina Hendricks and I would absolutely do anything to put my face between those great big dark brown Caribbean born hands. Well, Freya Sugar, thank you.

Honestly, I am watching Sugar. What the hell is going in this movie? Is he in Brooklyn now? And he’s not playing baseball? Shouldn’t the movie have ended immediately after he gave up on baseball. He better start pitching again. He better come out to pitch in the ninth inning to “Wild Thing” or this movie blows. Ugh, he’s a bus boy now! I didn’t start watching this movie to watch some kid wash dishes. I could literally do that in my kitchen. Hey Dawgz, we should wash some dishes. Ok, “Ax”. Then we would wash dishes, which would be way better than watching this kid watch dishes even in “3D”. Lastly, maybe or maybe not Dawgz refers to me as Jordan “The Ax” Newmark. There really is only one way to find out: reality TV show! Someone get us a reality TV show like Rob & Big – Dawgz & Ax.

It’s about time I address the title of today’s post.

KSWI will be having its first contest and giveaway.

KSWI will be having its first CONTEST and GIVEAWAY!

KSWI IS HAVING A CONTEST AND GIVEAWAY!

KSWI … CONTEST … GIVEAWAY!!

The contest:

“Kristen Stewart wants IT and so do I”

We all understand by now that Kristen Stewart wants IT. We should also understand that she is not the only person who wants IT. Everyone wants IT at some time or another and in their wanting IT they are actually reflecting one perfectly beautiful moment of the infinite want of Kristen Stewart. So, what the contest is about is people sending pictures of themselves “wanting IT” and/or doing an impersonation of Kristen Stewart wanting IT. As mentioned, in some way all wanting IT is an impersonation of Kristen Stewart wanting IT. What I meant, is you can either gain inspiration from Kristen Stewart’s wanting IT by looking at her pictures and movies and then cull your wanting IT look/pose or you can try your best at recreating one of the iconic Kristen Stewart wanting IT pictures of your own choosing. Littered through this post are examples of K-Stew wanting IT, obviously, use them wisely.

Sugar just ended. *shrugs* The movie kind of should have stopped exactly when he quits the minor league team. Nothing after that mattered.

Anyway, back to the contest.

All contest pictures can be sent to jordankswi@gmail.com . I will post the pictures and your sacred identities will remain anonymous. And you the commentators will choose the winner through some type of voting system I’ll concoct. Maybe email voting as well.

The prize:

First, GLORY!

GLORY

That already is a good enough prize: ETERNAL GLORY! This will be the first definitive contest deciding who wants IT the best. I have never seen a “wants IT” contest before, have you? You will be the GRAND CHAMPION of wanting IT if you win this. You may or may not be the “undisputed” champion because that may need to be settled in a cage match of wanting IT between you (GRAND CHAMPION) and Kristen Stewart (young Hollywood starlet most famous for a slew of below average vampire movies who seemingly is the personification of the immortal emotion of “desire”).

Besides GLORY, there will be actual prizes. At the very least, there will be a $40 gift card to the Consumer Shopping Network. Why? Because I have a $40 gift card to the CSN for writing that hilarious post about bathroom vanities. Make sense now? I am going to acquire some more giveaway items on top of this and I will mention them when I get them. Most likely it will be more gift card style prizes. And maybe some really random stuff I think up – maybe a used copy of Batman and Philosophy. Good book, by the way.

Timeline:

All pictures need to be in by August 9th. Voting will take place that week. The winner(s) will be announced at the end of that same week.

To sum up:

Send contest pictures to jordankswi@gmail.com (no limit on the amount of pictures for the contest as is there is no limit to how times a person wants IT) between NOW and August 9th. Win fabulous contest prizes.

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Ok, so when I get all the prizes together I’ll post them, which will be next week. I wanted to get the contest out there and get your ideas churning. And I will be entering the contest as well. I can’t win it officially, but I can certainly win it unofficially. THE GLORY! Dawgz is entering it as well. So, basically what I’m saying is all the cool kids are doing it and if you want to be a cool kid then you have to as well. PEER PRESSURE!

Questions for Friday.