Mah Bay-Bay Can Burn A Mean Saw-See-Ch!!!!

WHADDUP!!!!!!!!!

It has come to my attention that I have not formerly talked about the AFC/NFC Championship Football Party that Danielle and I threw on Sunday.

For those unaware, two Sundays before the Superbowl… actually let me back it up even more.

For those unaware, there’s a sport called football also known as American professional tackle football… actually let me back it up even more.

For those unaware, the greatest nation in the history of all nations is the United States of America… actually one more time.

For those unaware, human beings!

For those unaware, LIFE! We’re living it!

Hmmmmm… some heavily concentrated hydrogen had sex with each other thus creating what we know as “The Big Bang” aka the universe’s space jizz!

OK! So, that’s settled.

If you don’t really watch the NFL, but you watch the Superbowl then you probably think everyone loves the Superbowl, but they really don’t. The Superbowl is the anti-thesis to football. Actually, cricket might be the anti-thesis to football, but back to the matter at hand. The Superbowl has become more commercialized than Christmas and while it’s difficult to fuck up gift giving, the Superbowl is generally far from the greatest game of the year. There have been many great Superbowls, but there have been many not so great Superbowls. Add to the pressure of the final game of the year deciding who is best, that the Superbowl is bloated with so many literal commercial breaks, a longer intro, longer halftime show, and two weeks of build-up that sometimes can ruin the game.

The best Sunday in the NFL is the AFC/NFC Championships.

First off, you get 2 games instead of 1. That’s already better than the Superbowl.

Second, it’s generally 2 games with a lot of history and animosity built up between the teams because pretty much any playoff team in the NFC is rivals with every other playoffs team in the NFC and same goes for the AFC. While there are great beat-up rivalries in the league between teams that are near each other in proximity or in the same division, that doesn’t necessarily make those two teams equals. But playoff teams have to be good teams and especially the playoff teams that make it to the AFC/NFC Championships.

So, you get the two battle tested best from the NFC and the two battle tested best from the AFC fighting to have a shot to say they’re the best. And honestly, teams usually slug it out more in these games than the Superbowl because EVERYONE is watching the Superbowl and getting to the Superbowl is a prize in and of itself and sometimes teams play it safe once they’re in the Superbowl because they’re worried too much about losing. And you want to make it into the Superbowl with momentum and not just sneaking your way in there.

ANYWAY… best Sunday of the calendar year, every year!

And, Danielle and I threw a food and booze party, which featured this…

Those are sausages. Lots of them.

That wasn’t the only thing Danielle and I made. Specifically, that wasn’t the only thing Danielle made as she made an illegal amount of food for this party, which we’ve been working our way through ever since.

Those sausages were for the sausage & peppers sandwiches. Those sausages filled two crockpots with peppers & onions and a mixture of tomato paste and red wine. They cooked for 6 hours and were served on sub rolls or hoagie rolls or whatever the fuck you call the long rolls, you particular bread naming fucks.

What else?

Danielle made SIX POUNDS of BRISKET, which was phenomenal. Danielle made that dutch oven recipe for the first time only a couple weeks ago and we loved it and ate the leftovers as sandwiches. This time, we just ate that brisket as sandwiches and it was amazing. It was a ridiculous amount of brisket to make and personally I got 4 or 5 sandwiches out of the brisket. That brisket is cooked for like 4 hours in a dutch oven filled with a bunch of vegetables that I can’t remember anymore and red wine and it’s fucking amazing.

Danielle made gooey MAC & CHEESE. Actually, a 13×9 pan of that amazingness.

Danielle made BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP. Also, fucking delicious. One of my favorites.

And Danielle made CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS with the teams’ colors. So, fucking great.

What did I do?

Well, I ate so much of what was listed above and drank 15 to 20 beers.

I did do some cooking.

I made BROWNIES from a box.

AND…

I did cook some RIBS. I made a million RIBS. It’s thoroughly not difficult to do, which could be why I was in charge of them in my inebriated state.

All you need to do is buy the ribs from COSTCO that are the pre-rubbed St. Louis ribs. Or, you could just buy ribs and then dry rub them with a store bought dry rub, either way. You separate the slabs into nice sized slabs that fit into a 9×13 foil tray, wrap the top with tin foil, and stick them into the oven at 325 for 4 hours. Halfway in – 2 hours for the non-mathematicians – take the trays out and pour the grease that has accumulated at the bottom of the tray out. Wrap the top again and put them back in. When 4 hours is up, pour the grease out again, ditch the foil wrap, get whatever wet barbecue sauce you like and slap that on the ribs and throw the ribs back in the oven for like 20-30 minutes. When that’s over… take them out and they’ll fall right off the bone and stuff your fucking face with some ribs.

So… there’s that.

Also, we bought like cheese and hummus and a veggie platter and guacamole dip and chips and crackers and beer and wine and really never stopped eating or drinking the entire two games. It was magnificent.

Friends came over and we laughed as well.

The Bachelor – episode 3 – PEE-YAMAS!!!!!!

Whaddup!

YES, I AM STILL WATCHING THE BACHELOR.

What I have learned this season from Juan Pablo has been HUGE… well, would’ve been huge if I was still single. See, I’m not single and with me not being single, I can’t use the romance tips that Juan Pablo has illustrated time and time again this season. So, if you’re single and are looking to mingle then please take heed of Juan Pablo’s hooking-up jiu-jitsu…

Step 1.

Take the unsuspecting girl on a date that is in no way a good time nor at all a normal way to spend time with a person on a first date.

What it does? It gets that frigid bitch out of her comfort zone and she’s got nothing to hold onto in this insane world anymore.

Step 2.

BREAK HER DOWN… emotionally. I’m talking REDUCE HER TO TEARS. Is it ok to reduce a girl to tears on a first date? OF FUCKING COURSE IT IS! JUAN PABLO IS DOING IT TWO TO FIVE TIMES AN EPISODE. Juan Pablo has these girls so mentally fragile about what they’re doing, what he’s forcing them to do, what if they don’t do it would another girl in the house have done it, what are the other girls doing with him when I’m not there et cetera. It’s paranoia mind manipulation and Juan Pablo is a master at it. Possibly a Dr. at it. Juan Pablo holds a PhD is fucking with chicks brains.

Finally, this is where you start shoving your tongue down their throat at…

Step 3.

Get the girl in a bikini AT ALL COSTS!

It’s a scientific fact, if a girl is wearing a bikini, she can’t make a rational decision. There’s something about covering less than 10% of your body that makes a chick fucking nuts. And, on top of that, she’s already been crying from step 2 and she is absolutely terrified about the world from step 1, so while she’s been nearly stripped naked into the bikini – it’s time to start rounding the bases. I’m not saying Juan Pablo is hitting homeruns, but if you hit enough doubles in your day, you’re bound to see homeplate. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!! JUAN PABLO KNOWS WHAT I MEAN!!! RIGHT!!! RIGHT?!?!?!?!? RIGHT, JUAN PABLO?!?!?!? YOU GET OFF ON CHICKS WHO CRY AND THEN YOU MAKE HOMOPHOBIC COMMENTS!!?!?!?!?!? WOOOOO!!!!! HE’S THE BACHELOR ALRIGHT!!!!!

I was told that Juan Pablo made some homophobic remarks about having a gay season of The Bachelor. He said that a gay bachelor would set a bad example for kids. I think that’s what he said.

Let me begin by saying, THE BACHELOR SETS BAD EXAMPLES FOR KIDS!

No children should be watching The Bachelor. I would not argue that adults should watch it either. Like full grown ass adults really shouldn’t watch the bachelor either because it sets a bad example. This is not how you get to know people or how women should treat themselves for that matter. A relationship shouldn’t be about a chick making herself malleable for the guy while he’s doing nothing but being himself as well as pursuing other chicks. Seriously, he knows zip about these girls and they need to get themselves comfortable with his stupid ass accent, his child, his food, his “activities”, and so on. I guess the same could be said for The Bachelorette, but I’m not watching that right now.

A gay bachelor would rule.

Let repeat that … A GAY BACHELOR WOULD RULE.

A gay “bachelor” would be a dude who likes sucking other dude’s poles and/or getting his pole sucked by a dude with a pole. Ok? Just wanted to define that for everyone.

There would be so much more drama and infighting and just action in general on a gay bachelor. One huge reason why? All the dude contestants could end up fucking the other dude contestants. THAT’S AMAZING. That’s some real honest competition for The Bachelor. He’s got to woo some of these guys before the other guys can woo each other in the house. Currently, the chicks on the show will need to drink A LOT of white wine to get them even reasonably close to kissing, but on the gay bachelor – the bachelor will need to be a pretty bad ass gay dude to keep all the attention on him and not the other contestants. Make the fucking bachelor work to be sexually attractive to these people. I mean right now, the only guy around is Juan Pablo, so they either have to be into him or not and that’s cheating in my book.

ANYWAY… gay bachelor rules, Juan Pablo drools… what happened this week?!

Well, ABC’s website took the worst pictures ever from the episode and only from one of the dates from the episode too, so I guess you’ll just have to imagine some of it…

Cassandra and Chelsie here got to go on 1-on-1 dates with Juan Pablo.

Cass went up first where JP took her to a beach in some weird looking Jeep Wrangler where he drove the car through the sand and into the water because the car is also a BOAT. Yep! That’s the beginning of the date! Remember how I said the first thing he does is completely remove these girls from their comfort zone? Well, how about you take a piece of machinery everyone knows quite well and you make it do something normally thought of to be impossible. IMPOSSIBLE. Cars don’t drive in water!!!

Juan Pablo might as well have taken an apple at the start of the date and thrown it upward and it just stays there defying gravity and it never comes down and 21 year old Cass’ brain just fucking MELTS.

He tools around in the water with Cass for a while for no reason because this has nothing to do with Juan Pablo unless JP has an array cars that are also sea-based vehicles as well and he does this all the time freaking people out by driving a seemingly average car into a bed of water and the car magically turns into a fucking boat. Anywhatzzle…

They drive the car boat out to a boat boat where Cassandra is forced into a bikini, reminded that she needs to make a good impression on JP or JP is going to send her home to be with her son, so Cassandra is now vulnerable to just about anything and JP begins molesting Cassandra’s former NBA dancer body in the water.

SWEET FUCKING DATE, right?!

Cut to an hour or so later TV time, and JP is on a date with cutie-pa-tootie Chelsie who has been called a child a 1000x at this point by big boobed Elise.

What’s their date? Well, JP makes Chelsie pretend to like Spanish music for an hour then once those merengue beats have messed with her normal brain pattern enough, JP takes Chels to a street fair and forces her to eat all sorts of fried foods that look like normal fried food, but JP keeps saying this is Venezuelan this and this is Venezuelan that meanwhile I’m pretty sure they were just eating mozzarella sticks or something akin.

THEN! Juan Pablo informs Chelsie they will be bungee jumping off a bridge that is like 10 feet away from them and it is happening RIGHT NOW! JUMP OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE CHELSIE!!! HE’LL NEVER LIKE YOU IF YOU DON’T JUMP OFF THE BRIDGE!!! JUST JUMP OFF A BRIDGE TO PROVE TO THIS DECADE OLDER FOREIGN STRANGER THAT YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDER TO BE OK!! JUMP OFF THE BRIDGE FOR THIS MAN TO CONSIDER THE IDEA THAT HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO LIKE YOU DOWN THE LINE AFTER HE MAKES YOU JUMP OFF THIS BRIDGE AS WELL AS DO OTHER THINGS LIKE THIS DOWN THE ROAD!!! JUST JUMP OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN LIFE ANYMORE, CHELSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, what happens? Well, Chelsie begins to cry, which is step 2 of the Juan Pablo dating process, so this date is PERFECTO.

Chelsie does eventually jump off the bridge after JP plays mind games with Chelsie for like 10 minutes about how it is ok for them not to jump off the bridge, but she could just jump off the bridge with him as well. I mean it’s totally ok if she doesn’t jump, but she could also just jump with him because that’s what he wants to do and fuck her feelings entirely.

She jumps. Then they kissed some ala “Spider-Man” with them hanging upside down.

That’s about the end of the date.

Oh wait… a country music band showed up out of nowhere and started playing a song for them and who the fuck cares. So stupid.

There’s a soccer group date where he makes the chicks play 5 x 5 after finding out more than half of them have never played soccer before. Then they get the chicks dressed in gold sports bras and eye black and let them run around getting concussions.

The chick in the pig tails in blue is Sharleen and she gets fucking hit in the head with the soccer ball numerous times. With her brain thoroughly scrambled, when JP takes the girls individually to the center of the field or to the far stands for some alone time, Sharleen opens her mouth for JP to probe it with his tongue BECAUSE SHARLEEN AND JUAN PABLO ARE THE WEIRDEST WORST KISSERS EVER… and then we got to see them do it again when Juan Pablo showed up at the house later.

Sharleen’s idea of kissing was sadly heavily influenced by the TWILIGHT movies, which is really sad because she’s 32(?) or something. In Twilight, there’s an awful lot of emphasis on using one’s forehead during kissing and that’s where things go south because YOUR FOREHEAD DOESN’T KNOCK COME INTO PLAY WHEN YOU’RE KISSING! Actually, I would argue the best kisses involve the least amount of forehead.

Sharleen angles her forehead to meet his, so that Juan Pablo has to blindly attack Sharleen’s hiding half opened mouth his jutting jaw and mouth. This also led to Juan Pablo nearly sticking his finger in Sharleen’s mouth to fish hook it to his mouth, so he could possibly kiss her in a way that humans would recognize as kissing.

Aside from that…

Apparently, Kat has some fucking huge boobs. Good for her.

So, JP ends up going over to the house and greeting the girls by preparing them the Venezuelan specialty breakfast known as eggs and toast. And this is where Juan Pablo gets to see all the girls in their… PEE-YAMAS. In their pee-yamas. He’s a fucking weirdo. I hope no one ends up with Juan Pablo.

After he feeds them, he has them all strip into bikinis and takes them out to the pool to passive-aggressively compete for him in front of the rest of the chicks.

That’s where Kat showed off her ENORMOUS boobs, Clare decided to have a crying meltdown that drew Juan Pablo away from the girls and got some alone time with her and him, and Sharleen did her weird kissing again. Seriously, she’s cute and all, but if the bitch can’t kiss then how the fuck are you going to have a relationship with her?

In the end…

Juan Pablo kicked off nude Lucy because he can’t have that around his daughter plus I’m pretty sure she was 14, so that’s illegal even where he’s from.

And, JP kicked off some blonde who I had never seen before in my life and I’ve been watching this show.

I think this episode was kind of low-key because they spent way too much of the season’s budget last week. There’s going to be a date soon with Juan Pablo and a chick playing poker using Fruit Loops as currency.

2014 GOLDEN GLOBES RED CARPET – I actually watched the show this year

Whaddup!

I wrote a lot of this for Monday, but got sidetracked and never posted it. SO HERE IT IS NOW!!!!

After a weekend of the NFL’s divisional playoffs, painting our bedroom, slipping on some ice and skinning my knee, going to a buddy’s house and eating my weight in buffalo chicken dip… We were both shot when we got home last night (add in a cold sneaking on for Danielle) and we just dropped onto the couch with Coco and could not move. So, the Golden Globes started and the next thing they were over with about 3 hours of some funny jokes, but mostly rich people who are completely full of themselves slapping each other on the back and seemingly quite intoxicated absorbed most of the time.

As for who won what?

I do like BROOKLYN 99 a lot, but I’m not sure about Andy Samberg being the funniest guy on TV. The show itself winning the best show, I’m not sure about either, but it is a good show and I do enjoy watching. I enjoy watching some of those other shows as well… whatevs!

Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence winning was deserved. It’s also funny to note that whole weird speech that Diane Keaton gave about Woody Allen writing these great roles for women and then the two mentioned talking about David O. Russell writing great roles for women… It’s kind of a shame no one takes the time to mention how horrendous Martin Scorsese is at writing roles for women. I mean… if we’re giving props, let’s also give some demerits!

I don’t really remember the rest, but stuff happened and whatever.

LET’S TALK BOOBI- …

Let’s look at the dresses everyone was wearing because that seems superficial sounding. The dresses are what we’re looking at everyone. The dresses…

Margot Robbie is an Australian smokeshow if I’ve ever seen one. Hachie machie!

If this was a scene from Golden Globe nominated The Wolf of Wall Street, I would have said, “Imagine how good her pussy looks!” And then, I would’ve done cocaine and then had a five minute conversation about said pussy and THEN there would be a scene of Margot Robbie showing the aforementioned pussy to Leonardo Di Caprio as he runs around the room like Pepe Le Pew, but saying fuck every five seconds and doing Quaaludes. GIVE THAT MOVIE AWARDS, RIGHT?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

ANYWAY!!!!!

Margot was born in 1990 and that’s crazy to me and she looks great, she kind of looks like a young Jeri Ryan, and after watching most of “The Wolf of Wall Street” it’s interesting to see what she looks like with clothes actually on.

She’s young, beautiful, looks great without her clothes, and can do a great whiny New York accent, so I’m sure she’ll be a fixture in the biz for years to come.

Dear Bully, the internet hated your dress. Signed, the internet.

It’s definitely different although it could be much more offensive.

Did Sandra Bullock win for best actress in a drama? I don’t know, but she was excellent in GRAVITY and GRAVITY itself was mind-fucking-amazing.

Sandra herself in this picture is like, “I’m happy with the dress, but I can tell all of you are taking extra pictures because you’re going to scrutinize it.”

I think that the designers of the dresses should have to be at these awards shows held in a pen off to the side of the red carpet and then for the final pictures they have to run out next to the lady wearing their dress to put a face with the oddness, so that people aren’t just like BOOOOO SANDRA BULLOCK BECAUSE BLACK PINK AND CAROLINA BLUE DON’T GO TOGETHER YOU DIMWIT!!!!

If Jennifer Lawrence was were really into Debbie Harry and getting married in 1986 and not just floating in the ether as a potential DNA cross match that would happen 4 years later then this would have been a great wedding dress, right?

I mean she pulls it off. It’s fairly underwhelming minus JLaw being in it. Like I said it’s kind of punky, but not too punky that the punky girl doesn’t want a sweet ass white wedding.

I’m looking and I’m liking.

I guess Amy Adams learned a thing or two about the clothes that work for her while making AMERICAN HUSTLE because her character would have totally worn this dress because it features a sizable window for all of us to peek into for some stylish side boob. SIDE!!! BOOB!!!

Amy Adams is a gorgeous and talent… let me restart… Amy Adams is a talented and gorgeous lady and she’s got a knack for rocking side boob and the fair skinned, reddish haired Irish looking lass born in Italy can also rock a red dress. Looks excellent.

What has Tina Fey been doing since 30 ROCK ended? Growing her hair out because she’s got a mane of dark hair right now.

Anyway, Tina looked great in a lot of dresses on the show, but she arrived to the show in this dress, which was so-so. Actually, I hate this dress because usually Tina gives America what America wants and that’s some boobers and you get none of them in this dress. Also, she usually wears something a little more form fitting and she usually rocks the shit out of those dresses, but this is real billowy and just too busy to see Tina’s sweet bod. Am I right? SWEET BOD! Whatever! She’s attractive.

This dress also prompted a super bitchy/snarky response from me when Danielle mentioned how good Tina looked in one of the dresses on the show and I responded, “Yeah, but that’s not what she arrived in.” And I’m like so Joan Rivers queen all of a sudden. Super. THIS IS WHAT YOU’VE TURNED ME INTO!

I like this better than what Tina has on, but like Tina she was in a bunch of dresses on the show and she looked even better in some of those. Happy she won. And I think she was genuinely surprised she won. I was too. I think Poehler has stepped up her game on PARKS AND REC as they’ve been delving into political and cultural satire and instead of just jokes and she’s shown a bunch of emotion recently on the show AND she’s part of one of the best couples on TV with her and Adam Scott… so she’s doing it big on that show.

At the same time, Julia Louis Dreyfuss is the fucking murderiest murderer on VEEP as she is KILLING IT left right and center in every episode. I love that show. Can’t say enough good things about VEEP.

And she dates Nick Kroll? Seriously, you’ve got to watch out for those short dudes. They whisper!

Olivia Wilde is a sexy viper pregnant lady.

Danielle and I watched the replay of David Blaine’s new magic hour and there’s a bit where Blaine is at Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis’ house. Olivia is pre-pregnancy and just walking around in some white pants and a white bra around their pool. Meanwhile, Jason has a mustache with an entirely white linen ensemble and appears to be high as FUUUUUUUCK. It’s amazing.

I’d really like to see Olivia get in a good movie. Some might say “Drinking Buddies” is a good movie, and they’re not “wrong”, but I’m talking like a REALLY good movie.

BAM!

Reese Witherspoon is just a fucking hot lady. Always has been, always will be. And! She’s quite talented. I feel like Reese is a little like Sandra Bullock where she’s not immediately thought of as a solid actress who can do comedy and drama and be hot and everything, but she is. I can think of at least 7 movies with Reese Witherspoon that I straight up enjoy. SEVEN! That’s a lot. She’s absolutely FLAWLESS in ELECTION for starters. And, honestly, you really don’t need to go further than that, but she’s been in other movies and she’s great and the whole drunk thing where she said to the cop “do you know who I am?!” makes her even more relate-able. You would do the same thing in her shoes!

Anyway, she’s sexy. And, did you know she’s got a tattoo of two swallows near her vagina? Isn’t that fucking great!

I wouldn’t say I’m a LEGALLY BLONDE fan – never seen it – but I’m a Reese Witherspoon fan.

Love him.

I hope every Bradley Cooper role from now on is as a lovable psychopath. He plays over the top, psycho who is kind of a bumbling idiot so fucking well.

And as good of an actor as Mr. Cooper is, he seems to have no idea what to do with his hands in this picture. I don’t know what to do with my hands either, but I’d expect that an Oscar nominated actor would.

People are still shitting on Taylor Swift? C’mon! People seem to love or hate this chick and honestly who the fuck cares. I mean what was her big crime? Dating? I don’t even know anymore. Whatever, she looks pretty good here. I found it quite strange her song was the theme of some weird coming to age film in the UK, but whatevs.

Ugh.

Yerp.

Can’t wait for VEEP to start up again. Also, JLD looks smoking as usual.

He looks awkward as fuck.

I feel like he’s saying to the camera people, “Is my suit as shiny as I think it is? Right? It’s too shiny! I mean why would a suit be this shiny? Is it made of black aluminum or something? What’s going on here?! I didn’t order a shiny suit.”

I think I bought a Papyrus card that looked like that.

Actually, I definitely did.

I heard Kaley got divorced, met a new guy, got engaged, married him, divorced him, got re-engaged to her first husband, and married him all on the way to the bathroom during the show.

HAHAHAH because she jumps into relationships quickly in real life, you know?! HAHAHHAHA

Inside that tummy is the child of the prophecy between Kerry Washington and one-time great defensive back Nnamdi Asomugha.

Kerry looks great pregnant. Also, I like this dress a million times better than Drew Barrymore’s. I know I like it more than Olivia’s as well. Why? Well, she’s showing off her bigger than normal already big preggers boobs and that’s really just something you have to show off. She’s like a fertility deity in that dress.

I feel like there’s no depth in this dress. It looks like it is photoshopped on.

Also, if you don’t recognize this chick that’s ok because it’s the wholly unrecognizable Emilia Clarke who plays Dany on Game of Thrones.

This was THE talk of the red carpet.

EMMA WATSON WORE PANTS!

PANTS?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

I haven’t seen a picture of what this outfit looks like from the front, but yeah pants are different. I mean I wear pants all the time or almost all the time, but for Emma MOTHERFUCKING Watson to wear pants?!?!?!?!? That’s fucking incredible.

As for the orange drapes she’s wearing as a top? Those I could do without. I guess the pants too. I mean next time Emma Watson should just show up naked in high heels. It would just be easier, right? Ok.

Jennifer Lawrence could straight-up bully Jessica Chastain.

Jessica is so tiny. Who knew she was a tiny? Like can’t touch the top of the refrigerator type of tiny. I know that Jennifer is taller… you know… for a girl… but if she dwarfs Chastain then I’m sure if I met Jessica Chastain then she would appear so small from my great height that it would be like I was looking down on a red-headed hot ant. Yeah, a sexy ant.

Sofia is working them thangs.

God bless her.

God bless her genetics.

God bless her misguided thought that she’s not going to be hot soon because of her age and thus leading her to wear a lot of revealing outfits to show off the goods while they look good and meanwhile she’ll probably still looking amazing well into her 70’s like Raquel Welch.

ALLISON WILLIAMS TOTALLY WANTS IT!

There was a lack of Kristen Stewart at the awards show, but not a lack of want with Ms. Williams around. I really hope Allison starts acting in other shows/movies because I’ve given up on Girls, but have not given up on wanting to see Allison Williams looking like she wants IT.

Lastly…

What the fuck is happening here?

Like really what the fuck is happening here?!

Why is Robin Wright with Ben Foster? Why is Ben Foster legally allowed to be with Robin Wright?

Why does Ben Foster look like a slightly smoother Mike from Breaking Bad?

Also, I just want to say this in case you think Ben Foster looks like a real bad ass or whatever – he’s 5’9″. Probably with shoes on.

Basically, Jennifer Lawrence could bully Ben Foster around too.

The Bachelor – Episode 2 – CHARITIES FORCE GIRLS TO POSE NAKED

Whaddup!

So, I watched episode 2 of THE BACHELOR and here are my thoughts…

THIS SHOW IS MOTHERFUCKING CRAZY

The lesson from last night’s episode was loud and fucking clear…

MODELS n MUTTS IS THE CREEPIEST CHARITY EVER!!!!

Is the dog on the ground dead? Someone should seriously check if that dog died of shame by being associated with this charity and/or TV show.

I’m going to dive right into the group date segment from last night’s episode to spotlight how FUCKING CREEPY that date was and how fucking creepy that charity Models n Mutts came off as last night.

Actually, before we get into how I wouldn’t suggest giving money to the Models n Mutts charity because they’ll probably spend all your money on pseudo-porno photo shoots instead of the dogs, you should donate money to no kill animal shelters and one in particular is http://monmouthcountyspca.org/ which my Mom volunteers at and is where Danielle and I adopted Coco. I can tell you that it is a great animal shelter and it is not involved with naked calendar shoots where they may or may not force girls to strip naked for those photo shoots while a creepy Asian man with a blue beard laughs at them.

DONATE TO http://monmouthcountyspca.org/ … anyway…

Juan Pablo’s group date, which was the third date shown on last night’s episode took them to some photo shoot for the MODELS n MUTTS charity where they take sexy photos of hot chicks with dogs that are in no kill shelters to either raise money or get the dogs adopted.

THIS IS FOR A DOG CHARITY!!!!

I keep digressing, but the slutty girl on top of Juan Pablo had a nervous breakdown brought on buy booze (probably pills) and left the show and the girl kissing Juan Pablo got kicked off because she’s black and this show is fucking RACIST. Anyway…

How fucked up is that charity?

First things first, what kind of PERVERT goes to a particular website to adopt a dog because there are nude chicks in the photos with the dog? THAT’S FUCKING GROSS.

I want to throw up 100x thinking about the person who adopts a dog because it was in a “sexy” photo with a dog. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It’s so weird and is actually promoting bestiality. WHY WOULD I GIVE MONEY TO THAT “CHARITY”?! WHY WOULD DISNEY THINK THAT PROMOTING BESTIALITY WOULD BE APPROP… oh wait… Disney would be PERFECT to promote bestiality because ALMOST ALL OF THEIR MOVIES ARE FUCKING BESTIALITY! OH LOOK HOW HOT NALA IS IN THE LION KING? Oh yeah, you can see she has some sexy eyes nowadays Simba. Why don’t we sit here with our kids and watch you go lion fuck her.

Uhhhh… BEAUTY AND THE BEAST is all about bestiality. That movie is the fucking Holy Grail of bestiality movies.

Anyway… ok… so maybe it makes sense that Disney liked this charity.

The only thing I can imagine is the same creeps who buy a chicks used underwear from a photo shoot are the same creeps that adopt dogs from Models n Mutts.

Besides the overall creepiness and wrongness of the charity itself… two other terrible and wrong things happened…

1.

Besides them covering up Chelsie’s wonderful boobs, they also dressed this other chick (who? I don’t even remember) to look like a fucking diseased alien.

Some people are claiming this was racist because she’s in “blackface”. Ummmm… whoever thinks this was racist IS A FUCKING IDIOT! It would be racist if they took the one black chick and gave her a black dog and said, “Don’t need to do anything here because your black skin matches perfectly.” THAT WOULD’VE BEEN RACIST.

It’s not racist what they did to that girl up there, it’s just fucking weird. It’s weird and she looks fucking really weird. She doesn’t even look like that dog. She looks like she’s a crazy person. She also will give simple minded Juan Pablo nightmares for years to come about how fucking weird she looked. Why was it necessary to put her in a bald cap too? One girl dressed as a fire hydrant and she didn’t need to be painted red or wear a bald cap. They just made this girl looking like a fucking idiot.

2.

This looks like a cute moment, but Andi is sitting in this hallway because she’s freaking out about being FORCED to pose NAKED for this photoshoot and Juan Pablo is reassuring her it is ok because he will also be naked.

The girls were given dogs and with the dogs the photo shoot fashion designer who was an Asian Mugatto ripoff with a dyed blue goattee gave them the outfits he had picked out for them to wear with the corresponding dog. For two of the girls, all they were given were 8×11 sheets of paper basically to “cover” their vagina and nipples because they were going to pose naked with the dog.

The first chick was Elise I think. She’s the blonde with the HUGE knockers. She’s also a first grade teacher. She’s also also a first grade teacher because if she taught anything older then the boys would be too busying jerking their dicks off all day during her class. Anyway… So, Elise doesn’t want to unveil her huge knockers and tries to explain that to Mugatto, but all he does is laugh at her and laugh at her idea that she doesn’t want to get naked.

What’s the fix? Well, there’s Lucy – the 14 year old looking “free spirit” – who will gladly get naked whenever because HER DAD FAILED AS A FATHER. This girl literally walks around the Bachelor house topless and is shown walking ass naked with a dog around the block in Los Angeles or where ever they are. So, Elise asks Lucy to get naked for her and she’s like SURE because she’s DAMAGED GOODS.

But what about Andi? Well, Andi is freaked out by getting naked and decides to cry in the hallway about it until Juan Pablo reveals that he’s getting naked too with Lucy and her, so everything is cool. WHAT?! WAIT WHAT?! Are you telling me that all I had to do to get a chick naked and to get her to see me naked on a first date – REMEMBER THIS IS A FIRST FUCKING DATE – was to guilt them into doing it for CHARITY?! AMAZING!!!!!

So, guess what? They all pose naked and the other girls are in the green room just talking about how brave Andi is for posing naked or whatever. Hey you dull bitches! The guy you want to date/marry is in the other room LITERALLY staring at two other competing girls TITS and BUTTS and VAGINAS while they’re getting a healthy eyeful of his DONG.

That was a date. That was Disney’s idea of a date.

So motherfucking creepy.

That was the THIRD date of the episode. What else happened? Was it any less crazy or creepy? NOPE!

The first date…

That’s smokeshow Clare making out with Juan Pablo in a bikini in a hot tub.

So, what was their date?

Well, Juan Pablo blindfolded Clare at the house in front of all the other girls and then drove her – as she softly orgasmed the entire ride – to the Disney studios lot where they had made a fake snow winter wonderland.

They spent the first whatever period of time chasing each other around and throwing fake snow at each other as they giggled like no two 30 years would do SOBER EVER. Seriously, you’d have to be high as FUUUUUUUUUCK to catch two 30+ year olds on a first date chasing each other through trees like they were two fucking cartoon characters. So weird. But eventually things changed to what more or less what two adults would do on a date… TALK.

But the TALKING was in a HOT TUB and things got really weird really quickly.

Clare here has abs chiseled out of wood and perky fake boobs and she’s in a string bikini with Juan Pablo and Juan Pablo is getting pretty grabby, so what does Clare start talking about? Her dead dad.

DOUCHE CHILLS.

That had to be the weirdest boner ever for Juan Pablo – or at least you would hope – that he’s got this chick sitting on his lap in a hot tub, laying against him, his one arm wrapped around her bare midriff and the other around her shoulders with his forearm firmly pressed to the bare cleavage of her breasts, and she’s regaling him with stories of her dead dad and how emotionally distressed/broke she is/was from her dad dying.

Honestly, I don’t know when is the right time to tell a total stranger who is trying to fuck you on national television in a hot tub that you have emotional problems stemming from your father dying, but I guess that was as good of a time as any to tell JP.

This all followed with them hearing some music playing and they rush out of the hot tub to reveal some Counting Crows wannabe playing some crap song about heartbreak and the two of them just hugged and kissed like 10 feet from this guy in their swimsuits. So, she’s just got her ass out there kissing this guy with her boobs… it’s just fucking weird and surreal and to think it’s on Disney. Seriously, have some restraint for a second, but I guess Clare can’t show any restraint because she’s busy living in a house of 15 other white chicks who would probably be sucking this JP’s D in front of that fat beatnik if they were given the chance.

Arguably the best moment may have been when Clare was kissing JP and pulled back for a moment to breathlessly say, “you taste like snow”. SERIOUSLY! First, it’s fake snow. Second, is this chick for real? That’s arguably worse dialogue than “feathers!” Either Clare is really just so orgasmic over everything Juan Pablo or she’s pretty much auditioning for her own season or a day-time soap opera gig. And, I really think it’s the latter as she was doing some thorough acting from the moment he picked her up in the car where she wouldn’t stop smiling and talking about how he smelled like she was in her very own rom-com… which I don’t know, she kind of is.

It’s tough to tell if these girls are crazy, are acting crazy because the show is crazy, and/or both, or are they pretending this whole time, which is also crazy so they can win the show or to use the show as an audition for another show. I don’t know. All possible!

Second date…

Juan Pablo takes Kat on a private plane where he changes into rave clothes and he takes her to the mysterious rave paradise known as…

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH!

Apparently, the capital of Mormon, America is also the home to a rave race where people dance and jog a 5K with glow sticks covering every inch of their stupid selves.

What a shitty fucking date!

Who takes a person on a first date to a 5k? Who takes a person on a first date to this mass gathering of strangers where you will have no time to yourselves?

What happened to dinner? Is dinner not acceptable for a date anymore? Taking someone to eat and talk and get to know each other in a way that you will need to do countless times there after if you end up staying together. Seriously, if you can’t have a meal with someone and talk then you can’t have a relationship with them. That’s like 40% of the relationship. The other 40% is sleeping in bed with them. Not fucking them, but literally sleeping in bed with them. If you can’t sleep in bed with them then you’re fucked, not fucking, but just fucked. The last 20% is a mash-up of sex, movies, grocery shopping, dusting, cooking, and being stuck in traffic together. That’s a relationship… then at somepoint you get the crazy fucking idea to have a kid together.

Rave 5K turns into the two of them on a stage dancing while a crowd cheers them on.

Is Kat relationship material? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?! Is Kat apparently an attention whore enough to be on a TV show and then be on a stage dancing for strangers? Yes. I guess that shows that Kat won’t crack on TV like Victoria who has a meltdown in a bathroom and gets kicked off the show.

What else happened?

Cassandra almost has a melt down or maybe is looking for attention, but Juan Pablo assures her that he needs her on the show and she stays…

Ummmm yeah, you need her on the show because she’s 21, like 6 feet tall, is an NBA dancer, and kind of looks like Gal Gadot with her hair pulled back. Oh yeah, she’s got a kid or something too, so she’s mom material.

Right now…

I’d say the chicks who are leading on the show are…

Clare – minus the dead dad stuff, she’s hot and age appropriate. I mean he has to be pretty happy about making out with her in a hot tub and touching all up on her in a bikini.

Renee – she’s a mom and age appropriate and she looked great in their weir charity dog photo shoot with her in a dress and him in a tux or whatever. Also, she tried to help Cassandra and Victoria with their meltdowns. He hasn’t had a real sexy moment with her, but she’s come across well as far as her mental game.

Cassandra – all the above mentioned. There’s a good chance this guy pulls a Don Draper and marries Meghan which in this case is Cassandra.

Sharleen – It looks like in the next episode him in Sharleen start just making out in front of the other chicks. She was the first one who got a rose and now she’s getting slutty, so that bodes well.

I really feel like at this point there’s no mystery in who is going to stay and who is going to go. There are only a couple chicks on the show that could at all appear like a suitable match for him and the rest are just dead weight just hanging around to go on a whacky dates with this guy to only have a breakdown later in the show. Seriously, he’s not picking the chick whose “job” is “dog lover”. That’s not a job. And he’s not keeping “free spirit” Lucy either. If this guy is seriously looking for a step mom then he’s not going to have the girl who has no sense of keeping her clothes on raising his daughter. That’s a nightmare scenario right there.

That’s episode 2.

I don’t think Juan Pablo is literate past a 7th grade reading level.

Creepiest Happy Birthday Ever… and I LOVE IT

“The Bachelor” Season Premiere – They’re all DORKS!

Whaddup, bonitas senoritas y hombres de feo!

I watched THE BACHELOR.

DIOS MIO!!!!

For shame, I know, but I did. Honestly, there wasn’t much else on television to substitute for the lazy lothario Juan Pablo and his gaggle of giggly (desperate) gals. Also, I am a dedicated ABC local news, ABC World News, and Jeopardy watcher, which more often than not turns me into a reluctant Wheel of Fortune watcher and, sometimes, turns me into a first 15 minutes of Marvel’s Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. watcher until I’m like WHERE BE THE DOTH DAMN REMOTE ALREADY?!

Last night, there was no shitty ripoff of Heroes on after Wheel of Fortune. Instead, there was this guy…

And, you would never guess it by looking at him, but he’s slightly Spanish.

Are you enchiladas dripping from just the thought of his burrito?! AM I DERECHO?!?!?!?!

Anyway, I speak just as good Spanish as Juan Pablo up here, but I don’t have the balls or the particular type of insanity that he has to try and work it in every 2 minutes or so with an accent that comes and goes to try and get the ladies. So, that’s the only thing that really separates me and Juan…

OH RIGHT?! He’s got pink pants… right below his defined abs and that other muscle thing that is like a vector arrow pointing to that burrito of his I was talking about.

So, that’s the Bachelor. The guy up there without the shirt on. He’s 31, he used to play professional soccer at some level – there’s like a million professional soccer leagues, so who the fuck knows and I don’t care to look it up and you don’t care either because you’re too busy staring at his belly button, he’s got a daughter who is like 4 or something from a relationship that only lasted two years, and he’s a music agent or something now, which means he’s just been living on his looks since soccer ended until he found his way onto ABC’s The Bachelor, which really is an American dream kind of story.

Also, they list a place in Venezuela as his hometown, but let’s be serious… the dude was born in upstate New York, moved to Venezuela for years, but then moved back to New York for college or for soccer or for something and really this whole Venezuela thing is to get the ladies as I mentioned earlier. Whatever, I’m not mad about it. The game is the game.

What happened last night on the TWO HOUR season premiere?

Some really pretty ladies and Juan Pablo acted like fucking DORKS.

All these attractive and seemingly eligible chicas dressed in their finest Quinceanera dresses and set about making asses of themselves all to endear themselves to the single borro/jackass Juan Pablo on America’s greatest absurd speed dating/judge a book by its cover dating/reality show.

TWENTY SEVEN, 27, women ranging from around Juan Pablo’s age to barely legal looked like absolute dorks for Juan Pablo last night. I keep saying DORKS because that’s what women are, they’re dorks. When ladies try to be cute or quirky, but lack the conviction for it, they turn into a tone deaf goof, which is a dork. It’s not the worst thing because when guys try to be cute and quirky, but lack the conviction for it they just come across as idiots or assholes. So, pick your poison on that.

I’d take a big wild guess that these women don’t really come up with the comedy gags that they’re forced to do and instead have them written for them to do by some lowly reality TV writer from The Bachelor and then you throw in how nervous these chicks are and it is just a cluster fuck trainwreck mess. Like…

Lauren S. who struggled riding a bicycle in a prom dress that had a fucking piano attached to the front of it in and then stopping a few feet from the man she’s possibly going to emotionally torture herself over for the next few weeks in hopes of landing him for the rest of his life and seemingly being the step-mother to his adorable daughter and then play some piano song for him… sadly not “The Entertainer”, which we all know is the greatest piece of pianist-istory.

So, of course, she looked like a total fucking dork doing this. And, of course, she fucked up a couple times because who the fuck wouldn’t. And then Juan Pablo looks like a damn moron standing there trying to pretend that this is impressive and not just wildly stupid and when she misses a note, he can’t control himself from doing that “yeesh” face/noise.

Rest assured, each and every chick who walks up to Juan Pablo as they met him standing outside the house either came across as a DORK or a potential PSYCHO. The former is Lauren S. or that chick who kicked the soccer ball to him or Kelly who brought a dog with her like LOVE ME BECAUSE YOU GET THE DOG TOO; also, Kelly’s profession was “dog lover” – hey bitch, we’re all dog lovers and none of us are getting paid to do it. I need to start getting paid for loving dogs because I fucking love dogs. I got dog right next to me right now as I type this.

THE LATTER, the PSYCHOS, were lead by massage therapist/bangs-aficionado  Amy J., whisper talker Ashley, and Queen crazy herself Lauren “Pursed-lips to perfection” H. WOOOOOO!!!!!

The three mentioned did not make the final cut during the rose ceremony for good reason. For Lauren H. here, it’s a lot more advantageous for her to seek psychiatric help first before she takes her narrow lips and huge tits out on the town to saddle a new man. I’m not exactly sure what the timetable was for this show on the casting, auditioning, green light you’re on the show process was, but this chick said that she was set to marry a dude who left her right before their wedding and then a few months later she’s on The Bachelor. So, she’s the mayor of Crazytown or “The Butterfly” of Crazytown or something.

Was she engaged to be married when she tried out for this show?

During the video intros for Lauren H., they show her staring in deep angry thought at her wedding dress over and over again. Yeah, is she in the right mental frame of mind to be on this show right now? How about give her a year? Either way, The Bachelor fans didn’t have to worry too long about whether Juan Pablo was going to accidentally choose Lauren H. and her scowl for future episodes as she had the expected emotional breakdown moments into meeting Juan Pablo and is visibly just bawling while assuring Juan Pablo she’s ready to be his kid’s step-mother. Oh yeah! That’s great! I always wanted an emotionally unstable woman as kid’s step-mother! WOOOO!!! Hey, ABC, I found my lady already!

Nine chicks got got and I’m not too broken up about any of them. There was crazy Kylie who thought Juan Pablo called her name when he clearly called for this other less crazy chick Kat to get her rose. Also, I don’t know about Kylie. She’s got dyed red hair and was wearing a pink prom dress. You scream that you have a lot of growing up left to do, especially to a guy whose got a daughter who probably would choose that same dress to wear given the opportunity.

What about the ladies who made it to the next episode?! The one’s who survived the chopping block?!

Well…

… there’s Sharleen, the opera singer, who Juan Pablo was TOTES INTO while Sharleen was TOTES INDIFFERENT to Juan Pablo.

Do you know what’s more awkward than Juan Pablo’s right hand to her left shoulder placement captured in the above picture? THIS WHOLE FUCKING SCENE. This is when Juan Pablo pulled Sharleen aside for her coveted one-on-one time with JP-izzle and he discovered he was madly in love with Sharleen and it’s also where Sharleen realized that she’s just not into him. It was a classic moment of either one of two things…

1. Chicks being chicks. Isn’t it almost always the case that the girl stops liking the guy when he starts chasing after her and showing interest? JP lays it down for Sharleen that he’s into her by handing her a rose and she couldn’t have acted any less into it.

2. Imagination is greater than reality. This is kind of what she said was the problem. She’s pined away at a picture of a guy for however long and then cut to seeing him in the flesh and hearing his barely noticeable accent and listening to him query such thought provoking questions “But why do you live in Germany?” and guess what – he doesn’t live up to the hype!

Sharleen was the first to get a rose and the first to be *shrugs* about it, so that’s a great start for the show.

Who else?

There’s Andi who simply too hot to be a district attorney in Atlanta, Georgia… or that’s EXACTLY WHAT SHE TOLD US. I mean I probably wouldn’t have thought anything outside of yeah that district attorney is hot or attractive or a lady with lady parts, but to be so hot that people are questioning whether or not you’re capable of doing some form of gainful employment… well, you’d have to be pretty fucking hot or you’d have to be a huge sexist to think that hot chicks don’t have jobs like being a lawyer. Seriously? Have you walked around in this world? There are hot chicks everywhere doing everything. Get off your fucking high horse, Andi. Seems like the sexist in this story is you!

There was tits!… errrr…. Elise. Yeah, there was Elise and her boobs. She’s a first grade teacher and wet nurse for the state of Oklahoma. I could have made the second part up. I don’t know anymore!

There was Lucy. First, she’s not Juan Pablo’s daughter. If you were thinking that she was then you’re not too far off. I mean she’s got to have maybe two years on JP’s daughter, right? How old could Lucy be? 14? She’s whatever age Ariana Grande is pretending to be. That’s my guess. Whaaaa… ABC says she’s 24 and her job is “free spirit”. Uhhhh, no. She’s in 8th grade and she’s unemployed because she would need one of those letters that is signed by the parent and the principal of the school or whatever to get a job at her young age.

At one point, Danielle turned to me and said, “I don’t think Lucy is wearing any make-up” and I responded “She’s wearing the make-up of youth! She doesn’t need make-up.” Anyway, she’s young and acts even younger and JP is going to try and put his little JP inside of her.

There were a bunch more chicks like one named Valerie and one named Clare who looks whiter than Juan Pablo, but says she’s part Mexican and another named Lacy I think. ANYWAY… I want to mention one other chick before closing because she kind of summed up what I think about a lot of these ladies or at least the ones that are not confrontationally crazy and she was the first girl we met at the same time…

Chelsie. She’s got this Kristen Bell, Kristin Chenoweth thing going on and she’s 24 and she’s a “science educator” and she lives in Columbus, Ohio.

If Chelsie’s gameplan is to win the hearts and minds of Bachelor fans so she can become the Bachelorette and/or show-up on Bachelor Pad and so on to become a TV star of her own then bully for this blonde. BUT! If her real deal is that she’s this precocious cutie pie who just hasn’t found the right man and needs to settle down… FIRST! You’re twenty-FUCKING-four. SECOND! You live in COLUMBUS, OHIO! Get the fuck out of Columbus, Ohio! Nothing against Columbus… well… scratch that… I’ve been to Columbus and it’s not where I’d send a bright eyed and bushy tailed young lass to go find the man of her dreams. Seriously, there’s an issue with homeless gypsy pick-pocketers in Columbus coupled with a male population of slow-wits.

Just leave town for like 72 hours and go anywhere else and you’ll probably find a guy or at least get a foothold toward the search of a guy instead of hanging around Columbus hoping for some beat reporter from The Plain Dealer to get divorced or shacking up with a lost drunk senior from The Ohio State University.

You don’t need to rest your vagina’s hopes and dreams on a dude from Columbus or a reality TV show. That’s really all the words of wisdom I have for all you ladies out there.

Well… that’s my take on the season premiere.

Maybe I’ll keep watching. And if I do, I’ll keep writing about it.