New Moon Review Part III – Comparing Assholes and Oranges

I am not a Virgo. I am a Gemini which means my split personalities are to be expected and considered cute.

I see what you are all doing. Don’t pretend like I don’t know. I know. I know it and you know it. You should know it that I know it. Unless you don’t think I’m capable of knowing what you know because that is flat out ridiculous. I know what you know. I know what you don’t know. I know what you don’t want me to know. And I know you should know all of that. Just thought you should know.

Oh, Edward is a stalker. Edward is a creep. Edward hurts Bella. Edward is an old man. Edward is a 90+ year old virgin. Edward is controlling. Edward is gay. I made up the last one, but you get the picture.

You’re trying to take away my ammunition! You’re trying to cut holes in my sails! You’re trying to rain on my parade! You’re trying to tell me that when Maggie Gyllenhaal’s boyfriend in Donnie Darko beeps his horn when he drops her from their late night rendezvous that he is signaling to Donnie upstairs asleep in his bed that they made it from traveling back through time and that he needs to wake up to get out of bed so he isn’t killed by the airplane engine that is about to crush his house! I don’t buy that Richard Kelly! I don’t buy that her boyfriend in the bunny suit was apart of the time travel business! I need to stop exclaiming… I think he beeps his horn because he is saying goodnight to Maggie and that only Donnie travels through time. Donnie seeing the kid in the bunny outfit is some type of prophecy of time travel and not the actual kid in the bunny outfit. Donnie is just getting closer and closer to converging and breaking the time space continuum that his world is beginning to morph and collapse on itself like him seeing the time trails that look like the alien creature thing in The Abyss coming out of everyone’s stomachs at the party. And also….

Oh who am I kidding? That movie makes no fucking sense! It blinded me with Echo and the Bunnymen, an amazing Patrick Swayze cameo, talks of Smurfs fucking and, of course, time travel. Let alone that the amazing Tears for Fears cover would make any movie watchable. Any movie. Even that shit Twilight movie. Whoops! Awww… KSWI Jordan, why do you do that?

Your big plan is to detonate the bomb of Edward and Jacob hate by hating on them yourselves in the comment section, so I have nothing left to say. I see it. I like it. But it puts me in an awkward position. Awkward like my elevator ride earlier. Hey buddy, I know that no one is in the office today, but could you button at least three of those buttons on your shirt, not including the cuffs. The elevator ride was me, my coffee, and this guy’s chest hair. Zing! Thanks. That is exactly what I need to help me get through today.

So what do I do?

I could rewrite all the bad things that you say about Edward. I could rewrite them as if you didn’t write them already in the comments section because it isn’t like I read the comments section on my mountain of Mandom. And you’ve even ruined that for me right now. I can’t right “mandom” without thinking you are thinking about some “man” “dom” because you’re all a bunch of creeps who read slash fiction or something. Jeez. It’s the whole “that’s what she said” where I have to dissect everything I’m about to say to make sure it isn’t “that’s what she said” applicable. But I can’t stop myself anyway because it is too funny to say “that’s what she said”. Especially in public.

I could write how old Edward is. I could write about him living through World War I and II. I could write how Edward lived in a world prior to not only the word “airplane”, but the damn thing as well. I could write that Edward’s inexplicable ability to not find a mate in 100 years on this planet is not romantic, but CRAZY! I could write how mentally deranged Edward must be to not only do that, but to have lived through that. I could write that the idea of a 100 year old virgin is not an attribute women should fawn over. I could write that the idea a typical regular average Joe might not be great at sex, but a 100 year old virgin vampire will be so bad at sex and his concept of it will be so insane by that point that he’ll end up doing something so creepy it will scar you for life. I’m just saying don’t be surprised if he sticks his penis in your ear.

But you all know that already. And you don’t care!

I could write how Edward’s “immortal love” would get old real quick. I could write how in Edward’s world there is no such thing as “girl’s night out”. Edward will be tagging along to your “girl’s night”. Those nights where you go out with your friends to talk girl stuff and flirt with guys you have no intention of sleeping with (just being cock teases) and getting drunk on hard liquor and dancing and laughing about your current boyfriends or husbands or 100 year old newly de-virginized vampire lovers. Those nights don’t exist anymore. Edward will be at that bar. Edward will be creeping at the other end of the bar staring at you and your friends listening in on your conversations with his vampire ears. Your friends will see him because he both doesn’t want to be seen and wants to be seen at the same time because in reality he is prissier than the high school girl(s) he is attracted to.

I could write that you would have to teach Edward to be a hu-MAN. I could write how for a normal life with Edward you would need to get Edward into football or baseball or basketball or something that will suck up hundreds of hours of his life so that you can have some peace and quiet of your own. If you just want to snuggle up with a blanket in the living room reading the newest issue of US Weekly on a Saturday – that just won’t happen. I could write how Edward will be in that room with you. I could write how Edward will just longingly stare at you for the entire time and whisper the lyrics of Every Breath You Take to you. But he doesn’t know that song. He thinks he is coming up with this off the top of his head because that is how he feels. Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you.

Romantic? No. I’ve seen girls. I’ve met girls. I know girls. You will all hate that shit. It might be cute for a week or at best a month, but in the end you will hate that shit.

I could write that your relationship with Edward will end badly. I could write that your whirlwind relationship of “immortal love” will begin with you fucking his brains out. Good job. After you have “romantically” fucked his brains out you will have opened the flood gates forever for his creep ways. You have waited how long for him to come along in your life? It is only a fraction of time compared to him. He has waited for OVER 100 YEARS FOR YOU! Guess what? He is going to spend every waking and sleeping second with you. This is bad news. You will try to reason with him. But vampires who believe in immortal love and have sacrificed a 100 years of sex on the chance of your existence don’t understand reason. He will never stop being right next to you, saying weird stuff and never leave you alone.

Edward will leave you childish love notes written in some archaic turn of the century poetic style that doesn’t even resemble modern romantic poetry that you will read and roll your eyes at and shrug at and throw away and he will find them thrown away and cry to himself because you are not saving them in some scrap book for the rest of fucking time.

He’ll tell you all the boring stories of his life over and over and over again. Why are they boring? Because a guy willing to not have sex for over a 100 years is motherfucking boring. He is not a cool guy. He also drives a Volvo. BY CHOICE! He has no concept of safety standards and he doesn’t have children. He is also filthy rich. He just wants to drive a Volvo. Edward will tell you his boring stories and talk about waiting all these years for you and he’ll always be pushing you to walk in the woods with him. Ugh! Enough with the fucking woods! There is poison ivy in the woods! Our house is infested with bugs because we carry them from all those stupid woods walks back into the house! My feet have calluses from all this woods walking! There are skunks out there! If I spend enough time in the woods I will get skunked! Is that what you want my immortal lover? Me to get skunked!?!

You will fight. You will have arguments, but he won’t understand why he can’t just be with you all the time and why you don’t love him in the creep every second ever love way that he does for you. So this relationship will go one of two ways. You’ll try to change him or you’ll dump him. Or you’ll cheat on him and get him to dump you if you are passive aggressive, but we don’t have time for that one… also shhhhhhhh girls don’t ever do that. No matter what, this relationship is going to end at some point. Let’s go down avenue A which makes the charade last a little bit longer.

I could write about how you will try to make him that typical guy with the sports or videogames or hobbies, but they won’t take. Now that Edward has you he doesn’t need thunderstorm baseball plus he’ll want you there watching him play thunderstorm baseball when/if he does play it. You’re going to need him to develop a drinking problem and find friends that are questionable who take him out to strip clubs or shady bars or to a football game every Sunday. Just like a typical guy. You need Edward to have those friends not only to suck up his time, but so you can yell at him for having some morally questionable friends that you don’t get along with. All of this is because currently his hobby is you. He needs another hobby. Life is long. Real long. Unless you die, life is fucking looooooooooooooonnnnnggggggg. Edward isn’t going anywhere and that will be very tiring.

In the end, Edward will not take on any hobbies. He has waited for 100 years for you and nothing else will compare. I could write about how you will fight again. This time you will break up. You will blame him for being too clingy as well as a host of other problems that may or may not be true, but will be added to the list to make you feel justified in dumping this sap. I could write how you will have ruined Edward. I could write you have taken his virginity, robbed him of his love, dumped him and you will move on while he will fall into a downward spiral of vice. I could write how Edward will turn to cocaine, vodka, and blood cocktails and he’ll womanize with prostitutes. Edward will fall into the depths of addiction from drugs to sex to gambling to drunk dialing you until you need to change your number, address and move altogether.

I could write how in the end, Edward will be killed by Fake-Michael Sheen or Fake-Dakota Fanning because he has disgraced himself. I could write how he will be glad that they will finally end his life. I could write after 100 years of virginal vampiral life, Edward will be dead within a year of loving one human woman.

I could write that. But I won’t.

Hmmmm… what about Jacob?

I could write “seriously!?! That guy!” I could write that girls choosing Jacob cannot be seen as anything more than just wanting to see him take his shirt off. There is no “immortal love” there. That is lowest common denominator. Girls being attracted to Jacob is like guys being attracted to Megan Fox. Purely superficial. There is no romance or future in that. I could write how I don’t even have to get creative here because no one is trying to justify that relationship than he has muscles and is pretty. I could write that I see nothing wrong with this superficialism as long as people don’t act like there is anything else there.

I could write that none of you would respect him. I could write that since he is so pretty and musclely that you’ll all immediately judge him as being retarded. I could write how we all do that already for really good looking people. I could write that anyone physically over a 9 we think might have a 60 IQ. I could write that whether he is smart or not you’ll still treat him like an idiot. I could write that if Jacob is smarter than you or just as smart as you then you will hold that against him and hate him out of spite. I could write that Jacob is a part of a pack of wolves who are like brothers to him and how they live to help each other. I could write that you will call Jacob and his wolf brothers “gay” during an argument and maybe all arguments with him.

I could write that you will belittle Jacob for not being the leader of the wolf pack even though you have told him that you don’t want him to be leader of a violent and murderous pack of supernatural vampire fighting wolves. I could write that Jacob will eventually spend more and more time with the wolf pack because of these fights and you will call him a coward from running away from your life together.

Or I could write that Jacob will one day kill you or horribly scar you because he is a fucking werewolf either with his claws or from “phasing” or whatever it was that was mentioned in the comments.

I could write that, but I won’t.

I guess I’ll just skip to my conclusion because I didn’t get a chance to write anything that I wanted today because of you women and your devious plots against me. I was going to say that I think Bella should pick neither of these guys: Jacob or Edward. I would have gone on to say how I think both of these guys are asking way too much from a teenage girl. These guys have lives that are way too serious for someone to be wrapped up in at such a young age. I wanted to say that these guys live very complicated lives and your first, second, third et cetera relationships should not be this complicated.

I was going to write that my personal opinion is that Bella should keep it in her pants until she gets to college.

Bella should go to college. Bella should meet some normal people. Bella should hang out with humans. Bella should try to avoid wildly dangerous situations like marrying a vampire and/or a werewolf for awhile. Bella should experience the world first before she decides to enter a mythical battle between fairy tale monsters. If one can avoid the pitfalls of life then one should avoid them. Marrying a vampire and becoming a vampire are a lot worse decisions at eighteen than getting a tramp stamp tattoo in Cancun on Spring Break. You can’t undid being a vamp or having Edward watch you when you sleep every night always and when you try to take naps.

At the same time, who the fuck is this Bella chick? From what I can tell she isn’t anything special. So she might want to grab a hold of Edward or Jacob right now before they realize they should’ve proposed to a chick who can hold up her end of the conversation and maybe has something in common with them. So who am I to judge? Edward’s rich and Jacob’s jacked. That might be enough.

That being said…

I do like the soundtrack to New Moon. And Kristen Stewart wants IT. I laughed until I cried while watching the movie. I was laughing at all the girls screaming. I was laughing at the ridiculousness of full scenes based around these guys walking in slow motion or taking their shirts off. I was laughing at how much Kristen Stewart wanted it. I was laughing a lot. I was also drunk. I enjoyed it in all that regard. I’ve had fun talking about it with the people who have seen it or haven’t seen it. It never gets old hearing someone tell me how poorly written the books are, but how badly I need to read them because they are great. Not one book, but all four. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that, but I like it.

I think my review for New Moon is done. I would talk about Kristen more, but she really didn’t seem like the focus of the movie in the least. She is just kind of there. I think these movies are terrible vehicles to prove whether or not she is an actress, but they’ll make her famous enough that some real director with a real script will take that gamble on her. I would like to see her in a Spike Jonze movie, pretty much.

Thursday and Friday posts will be more random chapters from that book idea from last Friday. Also,

Happy Thanksgiving