Natalie Portman’s Dad Might Be Crazier Than Yours

Micropenis.

Girls do not like to hear the word “micropenis”. Guys are not in love with it either, but I’m sure guys get a laugh out of it unless they’re talking about their own micropenis. But girls do not like the word micropenis. Is it the word “penis”? No. Girls don’t mind the word penis. I imagine when there are no penises around, girls probably say that word or a euphemism for that word quite a bit. Is it the word “micro”? Nah. If you told a girl you were a “microbiologist”, I’m sure you’ll keep that lass’ attention for at least a couple more minutes until you actually explain what a microbiologist does and then she’s all “borriiiiinnnggg”. Or at least that is the impression I get from every sitcom I’ve ever watched.

Anyway, micropenis is the first word on the lips of Marlow Stern, who writes for The Daily Beast, in article he wrote about Natalie Portman’s Dad’s novel. Yes, that Marlow… oh wait, who is he? Well, he provided this little non-bragging bio at the bottom of the article:

Marlow Stern works for The Daily Beast and has a master’s from the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. He has served in the editorial department of Blender magazine, as an editor at Amplifier magazine, and, since 2007, editor of Manhattan Movie Magazine.

I guess they teach “snark” in the school of journalism at Columbia because this article is full of it.

Actually, I learned a lot from the bio because I thought “Marlow Stern” was a woman, but he’s a dude. Doesn’t change much. Just mentioning. I digress…

NATALIE PORTMAN!!!!

The gorgeous Natalie Portman has a father. His fatherly name is Dr. Avner Hershlag. That father is “One of the country’s most renowned reproductive specialists, the Yale-educated Hershlag is Director of the Donor Egg and Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis, Director of Fertility Laboratories, and Medical Director of the In Vitro Fertilization Program at the Center for Human Reproduction in North Shore, Long Island” as the article notes.

The doctor also fancies himself a writer. He has finished his first novel entitled Misconception, which is of the creepy sounding genre “fertility-thriller”. No surprise it is a “fertility-thriller” considering the bolded sentence above. Either way, the book sounds a tad bit insane. Marlow Stern seemingly read the book and then gave a spoiler filled breakdown of the wilder moments of the book. Those will be in bold and my comments in the reg underneath them.

Let’s just say, Dr. Avner is one to tell a tale, a tall tale, a tall absurd and ridiculous tale. Here is the synopsis:

Dr. Hershlag’s debut novel is set in Washington D.C. and centers on Dr. Anya Krim, the fertility specialist for the President and his wife. She delivers a deformed baby with “ambiguous genitalia” who later goes missing and its mother is found dead. Krim then discovers Megan Tanner, a senator’s daughter who has been in a coma for two years, is also pregnant. Senator Tanner is the Majority Whip, and chairman of a senate committee overhearing a controversial Embryonic Stem Cell Bill in Congress. If Dr. Krim—a rape victim herself—didn’t have enough on her petri dish, the First Lady’s last-ditch effort to conceive goes haywire when her embryos are kidnapped from the lab.

And that’s only the beginning.

HOLY BATSHIT GHOST OF A DAN BROWN NOVEL!!!!! Where is Robert Langdon and his well toned body for a man of his age when you need him?! Damn it. He’s probably on a G5 flying at mach 8 over the Spanish mountains as the sun sets on another murder of an old acquaintance in a hidden library under the Barcelona soccer stadium. If that paragraph of a synopsis didn’t clue you in yet that this book is dealing with an out of control writer making everything more grandiose than a John Grisham/Michael Bay micropenis baby then you need to hold dearly tight to your computer chair because this is going to get ridiculous.

1. THE “ODDBALL” MICROPENIS CASE

Misconception’s prologue opens with a doctor inspecting the pubic region of a 12-year-old male patient. He first notes that the boy has no pubic hair. Then, the doctor takes “oddballs” (i.e. plastic balls) and measures them against the young boy’s testicles, noting that the boy’s balls are “size one.” (Pg. xiii) The doctor proceeds to measure the boy’s penis with a yardstick, noting that it is 1.5-inches long. He informs the boy and his doting mother that the child has “Fragile Y Syndrome,” meaning that his X chromosome is fine, but his Y chromosome is weak. In other words: “His penis and testicles will always be small” and he’ll grow up tall and skinny with “a micropenis and two microtesticles.” (Pg. xiii) The story then flashes forward 28 years—the boy has grown up to become Hugh Nicholson, the head of a cloning facility where he and his partner, Dr. Jeremy “Cody” Coddington, duplicate dogs for up to $100,000 apiece.

AM. I. RIGHT?! Fuck yeah, this book is amazing. What more could you want? A female character. Sure. But we’ll get to them and they’ve all been raped or something as the synopsis mentioned. Regardless, we have a micropenis paired with microtesticles, which may sound bad, but think of the alternative. Imagine having a penis so small that doctors for sheer professional conduct purposes have to refer to as scientifically “micro”. Then you have a pair of big old balls flapping around behind it? That doesn’t make sense. There needs to be some symmetry here. The Divine Creator doesn’t give you a tiny dick and big balls. He gives you tiny everything. Makes sense.

Oddballs. Love it. Didn’t know such a thing existed, but I’m into it. If you have a device called oddballs then you use it. I get that. But why use a yardstick on a boy with a micropenis? Is that just to insult him even further? Let’s get this out of the way, there is maybe a .001% of men who stack up well against a yardstick. I’m not even sure if that is true. A yard?! A yard is three fucking feet! THREE FEET OF PENIS?! Who the hell has three feet of penis? I have watched way more than a good deal of porn in my day and I have never stumbled across a man with a three foot penis in these videos. Yeah, there have been some dudes who have over a foot of penis, which is absolute insanity. It is insane. They are certainly a minority of a minority of a minority out there in the world. But even then you’re two feet shy of a yardstick. How about we just ditch the yardstick and get a classic foot long ruler?

So, the boy has a tiny penis and some tiny nuts, but does that stop him in life? FUCK NO! That mofo is cloning dogs! The boy with the smallest penis and ball set in the world has discovered perfect cloning like he is a damn alien from the future! Unreal. Un-fucking-real. I bet “Cody” his “partner” is just the looks with his normal penis and balls, but Hugh is the brains. Already, this book is too crazy for its own good and we’re just through the PROLOGUE! We’re in the xxxiiixixixi pages. Here come the actual numbered ones…

2. MYSTERIOIUSLY PREGNANT, COMATOSE “ANTONIO” LOVER

Megan Tanner is the coma-stricken teenage daughter of Wyoming Senator Nelson Tanner III—a scar-faced, Armani-clad Vietnam vet with a prosthetic leg. She lapsed into the coma after her pot-smoking prom date crashed his car into a tree and the Senator apparently disposed of the teenage driver. Megan has been in a coma for two years, yet she’s mysteriously 20 weeks pregnant. Dr. Krim assumes that her comatose patient has been raped in her sleep by a necrophiliac, which triggers memories of Krim’s own rape eight years prior. As the FBI investigates the case, Megan’s rests in her hospital quarters—a recreation of her own room at home, with “posters of Antonio Banderas, Antonio Sabato Jr., Sarah Chang, Tara Lipinski, and Maroon 5.” (Pg. 13) [Huh?]

First off, I support anyone who references America’s sweetheart Tara Lipinski. That girl won a gold medal for us! FOR US! Secondly, what? I’m glad the doctor “assumed” she was raped because I’m no doctor, but unless we’re saying coma patients can have consensual sex then she was raped or that “pot-smoking” prom date had time-release sperm. One or the other. The only other options are “miracle” aka “Jesus baby” or someone stuck her with a needle of sperm and got her preggers. I would imagine in vitro fertilization is more complicated then just quietly sticking someone with a syringe of splooge, but who knows? If it is more complicated than that then I would imagine someone would have noticed someone doing that to the coma patient of the well dressed, but one-legged Senator who also ditched a weed smelling body in the woods of Wyoming.

3. THE BLACK SWAN CONNECTION

At one point, Dr. Krim gets in a heated argument with her Lincoln University Hospital co-worker Dr. Feinberg, the chairman of the Center for Human Reproduction. Feinberg—Krim’s supposed nemesis—sports a glass eye because it’s rumored that “an angry resident who couldn’t tolerate his mockery had stabbed his left eye with a scalpel.” He wants to abort Megan’s unborn child via C-section, despite it being 20 weeks along. Krim fights Feinberg and refuses to give in, saying [out of nowhere], “I can see this little girl grow up, take ballet lessons, maybe even get really good, a prodigy of sorts.” Feinberg doesn’t want to hear about her possible principal dancer future, saying, “Terminate—or be terminated.” (Pgs. 78-79)

YES! The drama! Dr. Feinberg could very well be the biggest asshole of all time. I’ve had some asshole co-workers in my time, but never to the point that I or a different co-worker STABBED THEM IN THE EYE WITH A SCALPEL. That’s how big of an asshole Dr. Feinberg is. That isn’t necessarily a “death blow”. That is a “I want to cause you so much pain and I want to maim your entire existence on this planet if you survive this” blow. That’s a whole level of anger most will never achieve expect Dr. Feinberg did make them achieve it and it happened to them. That’s absolutely insane and he’s still risen to the role of “Chairman”. As for Dr. Krim’s flash forward? If I was standing there and having an objective opinion, I would have thought Krim just lost the argument with that nonsense. “maybe even get really good”? We’re going to keep the rape baby because there’s an off chance she’ll get “really good” at ballet. Ballet?! And who is forcing this child into ballet? Is that part of her social contract for existence. Hey kid, you want to live? Yes. You have to do ballet? But I hate ballet. I repeat, do you want to live? Yes, but doesn’t this seem weird and arbitrary. And Dr. Feinberg may have been in a Rambo movie with that “terminate – or be terminated” line. Wow. This book is GOLD!

4. FORGET VIAGRA: TRY AN ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION INJECTION!

The deformed baby Dr. Krim delivers has been cloned by Fragile Y Syndrome sufferer Hugh Nicholson, who intended the child to be the heir to an unnamed royal for $10 million. Nicholson has his partner Cody inject “three different medicines, which together erased muscle relaxation and increased blood flow to create an erection” into the shaft of his penis. (Pg. 40) This is just another day at the office for Cody and it is Nicholson’s effort to have sex with one of the five surrogates working for him. She apparently finds their sexual exploits pleasurable despite the fact that Nicholson has micro genitalia and major issues—we find out he is a bizarre megalomaniac. (Pg. 44)

A typical day at the office is jamming needles filled with mystery drugs into the minuscule penis of Hugh Nicholson? Do you get a 401k plan and health coverage because I think my resume is more than enough qualified for me to handle that responsibility. The second half of this story is really a condemnation of women as an entire gender. There’s some chick who is into this? Of course, there is! Why wouldn’t there be some micropenis hungry surrogate slut just waiting for one of those many injections to take hold in his infant dick so she can get to humping it. Makes all the sense in the fucking world! Oh and the first couple sentences made absolutely no impression on me because I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Next!

5. IF D.C. LOBBYIST LOOKS COULD KILL…

A sexy “lobbyist” named Destiny, who Nicholson uses to seduce politicians on Capitol Hill, attempts to bed Senator Tanner. The one-legged Vietnam vet is serving as chairman of the Senate committee overseeing the Embryonic Stem Cell Bill. “She undressed. Her fingers released the knot in his tie like a trained Girl Scout…Tanner sat on the bed, unhooked the below-knee prosthesis, placed it against the wall, and got under the covers.” Destiny says, “You’ve got to untense, Nelson. There are no Democrats in this room.” She then attempts to serve him a glass of Merlot, at which point, Nelson throws the drink on the floor, and, suspecting she’s a spy, screams, “Get dressed and evaporate.” (Pg. 54) Destiny later attempts to seduce a 70-something conservative senator in a hotel suite—also in an effort to get him to favor the Embryonic Stem Cell Bill. But after she undresses, the senator has a heart attack and drops dead. (Pg. 99)

DESTINY?!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH this paragraph is amazing! I want to read a book about Destiny next! The misadventures of being a political prostitute. Soooo good. I’m not saying our political system is a well oiled machine, but I’m pretty sure it would come out that there is a lobbyist named “Destiny” and she is in fact a hot piece of ass sleeping with old right wing Senators. That would come out. There really isn’t much to cover up there, so I’m pretty sure people would hear about that. I love the Girl Scout knot untying bit because not only would a Girl Scout know how to untie a knot, but it also makes it laced with an air of pedophilia. Subtle. So subtle Dr. Avner. Lastly, she might be the worst whore in the existence of paid whores. We have two examples of her not only not securing any vote, but she also doesn’t sleep with either man. Also, who the hell drinks Merlot in bed when with a prostitute? That seems counterproductive.

I really think there could be a great sexy political slap stick comedy about Destiny. 

6. THE FIRST BABY A.K.A. “OPERATION EASTER”

The President and the First Lady are trying to have a baby, which the Secret Service codenamed “Operation Easter.” Despite several attempts at in vitro fertilization, the First Lady—a 42-year-old breast cancer survivor—has been unable to conceive. Dr. Krim has a brief moment of panic before the in vitro procedure: “In a moment, I’ll be sticking a needle in the vagina of the First Lady of the United States. Nothing is routine about this case. And everything is at stake!” (Pg. 91) The first couple’s embryos are later kidnapped from Dr. Krim’s lab.

*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*

Well done, Dr. Avner. Well fucking done. “Sticking a needle in the vagina of the First Lady of the United States”, who here hasn’t uttered or wanted to utter that phrase in their life? I know it is on my bucket list. And you think that’s something BOOM! the embryos are kidnapped from the lab. Boom fucking boom. You raised $250? I raise a MILLION DOLLARS!! That’s what Dr. Avner is saying in this book. What topic won’t he cover? Also, I would bet that supposed million dollars just mentioned that this fictional President completely ran on his wife being a breast cancer survivor. Sympathy vote!

7. BEWARE THE HUNKY BOYFRIEND’S “SNAKE”

After Dr. Krim is nearly killed by two chiseled thugs, one of which sports “an elaborate tattoo of a dragon” across his biceps, (Pg. 146) she goes home to her “hunky” boyfriend, Dr. Dario D’Acosta (who just happens to be Senator Tanner’s therapist). Battered and bruised, D’Acosta runs her bath and lights some fragrant candles. He then gives her an erotic massage, before kissing “her nipples democratically, one kiss for each,” and then taking her to the bedroom, where they embrace—sans clothing—in bed. “When she felt his hardness,” however, “the feelings evaporated.” Dr. Krim is painfully reminded of her rape eight years prior. “The python’s going to bite me!” she thinks and pleads for D’Acosta to stop. Her longtime partner, becomes a paragon of patience, saying, “I understand.” (Pg. 151)

Nothing is funny about rape unless the victim says “the python’s going to bite me”. That is just sheer absurd lunacy. Who the hell talks like that?! Also, this has two more connections for the Dan Brown fans – dragon tattoos and noting the chiseled physique and wonderful penis of a character in the book. Plus, I’m not sure Dr. D’Acosta is the best therapist if he thinks the best way to calm down a woman who was almost killed by two men and was also raped at one point in the past decade is to try and bang her. Just my non-doctoral guess.

8. SECRET IDENTITIES REVEALED

In a pair of twists reminiscent of an M. Night Shyamalan film, a DNA test on Megan’s baby reveals that Senator Tanner is the father of the his comatose daughter’s child. The President of the United States—a longtime friend of Tanner’s—orders Dr. Krim to abort the baby. Meanwhile, it’s revealed that the seductive lobbyist “Destiny” is actually Caroline, Dr. Krim’s trusted embryologist. (Pg. 177) Caroline betrays Dr. Krim, taking pictures of the presidential embryos and sending a ransom email with photos to the First Lady that reads: “Greetings from your embryos… for the time being, your children-to-be are safe and sound with me… In upcoming messages, I will inform you of the kind of actions you must take to bring your embryos home unharmed… Make enough stupid moves, and you can kiss motherhood good-bye.” (Pg. 181)

I honestly couldn’t have seen any of that coming. I haven’t known Senator Tanner for too long, but I’m hoping he didn’t rape his comatose daughter. I’m imagining someone in some sick fantasy stuck a needle in her vagina like they’re doing with everyone else in this book. As for “Destiny” being Caroline, well that was a shock because Caroline has yet to be mentioned thus far. There are three bullet points left and I have absolutely no clue what will happen nor why half of these characters are interacting with each other. Why was someone trying to kill Dr. Krim? Did I miss that? Why does Hugh have a micropenis and why is he even in this book at all?

9. THE DESTINY OF THE NOT-SO-SWEET CAROLINE

Dr. Krim is framed and arrested by the FBI for kidnapping the embryos. However, she’s bailed out of prison after an anonymous person pays her $1 million bond. Fresh out of jail, Dr. Krim receives an anonymous email to check the liquid nitrogen tanks back at her lab. In the third tank, she finds “a woman’s head floating in a pool of liquid nitrogen. It was detached from the body. It had no neck.” The woman is Destiny/Caroline! (Pg. 220)

WHAT?! HOLY SHIT!!! So much nonsense just happened! I have absolutely no fucking clue what is going on. Who would kill Destiny/Caroline? Are they the same people who tried to kill Dr. Krim before? And if they are why did they kill Caroline? And why did they want to kill either of them? And why was there even a bond set for a woman who was kidnapping embryos from the Presidential couple? I’m like 99% positive if you tried to kidnap and then ransom the embryos of the President of the United States of America then you wouldn’t get a chance to get out of prison or even live.

10. MOMMY DEAREST STRIKES

Gladys Tanner, the wife of Senator Tanner, turns out to be the one who had a clone of Megan placed in her uterus, in order to save her marriage to Senator Tanner, who loved his daughter dearly. Nicholson’s sympathetic associate, Cody—an old friend of Dr. Krim’s—clones the First Lady’s embryos before Nicholson forces him to get rid of the real ones. But the presidential SWAT team recovers the cloned embryos with barely enough time for Dr. Krim to inject them into the First Lady, who eventually finds herself pregnant.

What? Are they all in the same fucking room? Was Cody, Hugh, Dr. Krim, and the First Lady with her legs spread eagle all in one room with a “cloning machine” and a big needle about to get shit done? Then SWAT (why SWAT?) breaks in and gets all this stuff. But the First Lady is preggers anyway. How stupid? Back to the first sentence, so Gladys Tanner is the most well intentioned dumbest woman on the planet. Your daughter is in coma? Oh wait, I have an idea let’s stuff a clone of her inside her vagina and wait for it to pop out without anyone noticing and then you can raise this demon child daughter like nothing happened. Hey, Senator. You’re old and have one leg. Have you ever thought to yourself I want to raise another baby? No, you haven’t. Well here is one anyway. It’s a girl! Oh where did I get this baby? *whisper* It’s a clone of your daughter that I secretly have been cooking in the belly of your brain dead daughter, which isn’t weird at all. *whisper* Umm, it’s a friend’s who said they want you to raise it, which is random, but whatever. JUST RAISE IT AND BE HAPPY!

And for the FINALE!!!!

11. CONQUERING A FEAR OF SNAKES

With all the loose ends tied, Dr. Krim can finally make love to her remarkably patient boyfriend, Dr. D’Acosta, who has been by her side every step of the way. He “waited for her at his bedroom door, holding two glasses of wine. The only lights in the room came from scented candles he’d lit around the bed. A Chopin nocturne played in the background…” and then, the loving couple finally has sex, with Dr. Krim getting over her fear of erections once and for all. (Pgs. 270-271)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

First off, none of the loose ends are tied up because I don’t understand what any of this has to do with anything else. Who were the people who killed Caroline or tried to kill Dr. Krim? Why did we need to know any of the back story of Hugh Nicholson? The only thing we needed to know about him is that he knows how to clone things and then the rest of his story is completely unrelated to the plot. Also, there doesn’t seem to be any reason why Dr. Krim would get over a fear of erections nor is there any reason why she isn’t in jail. Wasn’t she just in a room cloning embryos and sticking them in the First Lady that SWAT had to barge into? Generally, people who are stopped by SWAT end up in jail. I feel like Marlow has left out quite a bit about this insane book that probably doesn’t explain itself any better than this article has attempted.

Best of all… the book is under 300 pages I’m guessing because this finale happens on 270-271. That’s a ton of nonsense happening in a short period of time.

Well done, Dr. Avner. Well done.

You took that idea of less is more and told it to go fuck itself with its micropenis and wrote a rambling mess of insanity that is about a third coherent as any Dan Brown book I’ve read. Good for you.

As for you Natalie…

I appreciate your beauty, sophistication and your sanity more than I ever have before.

Sidenote: if my Dad wrote a book, it would be about a Jewish New York Detective in the 70’s who is solving the city’s biggest murders that may also involve national security and in the mean time he would be a James Bond-esque Lothario and the Mets, Giants, and Knicks would all win their respective championships. Think John Shaft, but he’s Kosher.

It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died…

… then two months from now they will rise from the cave we buried them in like Jesus of Nazareth, NY and we can start seeing movies again unashamed.

Until that point, you will feel very ashamed of seeing any movie that is from 2011 and not the humble 2010.

Congratulations Cam Newton! America smiles when you smile.

If you have been unaware for pretty much your whole life, the film buzinezz ditches movies they have little faith in at the beginning of the year. February categorically is seen as “dump” month. It is also “dump” month for people who celebrate Valentine’s Day and their partner takes it to seriously and you think to yourself “am I really going to go through this pink bullshit holiday again?” February is also “dump” month for people with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). But it all honesty, every month is “dump” month when you have IBS.

Bad movies populate the theater with a jihadist frenzy in February. That has also bled into surrounding months like January and March. Generally speaking, the end of the year is when the dramatic good movies come out, so when the new year arrives the filmzy people dump all their shit movies on us for a couple months. This also happens in September. After the action and comedy blitz of the Summer, the filmlosers give us shitty shitty movies for September and generally October until they get us set-up again for the end of year barrage of “Oscar winners”.

Today, I will highlight the January movies you will hopefully be skipping. And then on Thursday, I will do the same for February. Also, if someone reminds me, I thought of a post about “things I would trust and wouldn’t trust Kristen Stewart to do”. I think this could be a reoccurring post about not only Kristen, but other people as well. That of course is all contingent on whether I remember to do that next week…

Also, if you want a more serious look at movies then check out Cinesnark – http://cinesnark.wordpress.com/ – It’s good stuff. The writer of said site reads this website (for better or for worse I suppose for her) and she does a great job, so I thought I should mention that.

JANUARY MOVIES…

motherfuckers…

I thought the “January Movies” looked a little lonely, so today you are motherfuckers.

Season of the Witch

Nicolas Cage is a national treasure. He was also in National Treasure and its sequel. But he is a national treasure himself. I’m not sure of what nation in particular, but with the wealth of material this man consistently puts out regardless of the fact no one asks him to, is just remarkable. I don’t know what Cage’s end game is, but my guess is to be in a movie directed by every single director who has ever been called a director ever in all of living history. Seems sensible, right?

Season of the Witch looks fucking awful. Real bad. Typically, Cage is decorated in a flowing mane wig. I watched a movie called Good Hair, which I highly recommend. It is about the hair care business for black people. It was made by Chris Rock (the) and is unbelievably funny and informative. I really enjoyed the hell out of it. One reason being that Nia Long is in it. Nia Long in my mind is of the same mythical status as Taye Diggs. I feel like Nia Long has been a crush/love interest for men of all races and demographics and she has done it with short and long hair (not an easy task). Part of that has to do with her being gorgeous and aging gorgeously. The other part of that has to do with her being on Fresh Prince of Bel Air and even the terrorists know of Geoffrey, the Carlton dance, and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Just ask them. Just start talking to a terrorist and then begin “In West Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground where I spent most of my days…” and that terrorist and you will then sing the rest of that glorious song.

What was I talking about?

Right… Good Hair. Apparently, black people account for 7/8’s of the haircare business or something. I’m pretty sure that Nicolas Cage’s wigs account for the other 1/8th. That was a long way to go for a joke, but I got to talk about Nia Long and Good Hair, so it worked.

Season of the Witch looks fucking awful still. Cage is a knight who is fighting people trying to kill some girl because she’s a witch or whatever. My question is – why doesn’t Nicolas Cage play a serial killer in a movie? I know Nic Cage has fought serial killers in movies, but was he a serial killer in a movie? Because if someone told you Nicolas Cage was a serial killer I don’t think you would be shocked. That is why he should be one in a movie. Play what you know.

Barney’s Version

Paul Giamatti hooking up with hot chicks… basically. Oh and Dustin Hoffman is in it too. I’ve never had sex with Minnie Driver or Rachelle Lefevre or Rosamund Pike. That may have come to a shock to some of you, but I haven’t had sex with any of those women. I’m pretty sure having sex with them would be awesome. It appears that Paul Giamatti of all people has sex with all three of them in the movie (not at the same time… although I would pay to see that), so I’m thoroughly not sure why he seems so fucking depressed in the movie. He smokes cigars, drinks, isn’t nice to anyone, overweight, barely taking care of himself… but he is somehow having sex on the regular with great looking women. Is this movie “science fiction”? The movie looks pretty paint by numbers, but it says it is from a book and the book was good, but it is coming out in January, so probably not good.

Also, Scott Speedman is in it. So of course that excites me and sells many movie tickets.

The Dilemma

Normally, I would say Vince Vaughn and Kevin James sounds great. At the same time, when I say “normally” I guess I’m pretending I live in a solar system on a rock and iron planet that doesn’t have a history of Kevin James and Vince Vaughn making a ton of shitty movies. I think Vince Vaughn is possibly one of the funniest people who could be filmed… and yet he make movies that make sane people punch babies. And babies do not want to be punched – even when they are asking for it. Kevin James is also a funny man, but he’ll appear in any movie ever because he’s probably running out of his King of Queens money.

The movie might have a couple chuckles in it, but it looks pretty who gives a fuck. Queen Latifah is in it, which is great. It is. I would like to Vince Vaughn appear in a real movie again. It feels like it has been awhile – 3 years. And speaking of serial killers (were we still talking about serial killers?), one of the best Vince Vaughn movies is Clay Pigeons. It also stars Joaquin Phoenix. The movie is amazing and one of my favorites. Vince is a serial killer in it. I guess I should have clarified that. That’s why we were still talking about serial killers. I didn’t mean to imply that Vince Vaughn or Joaquin Phoenix are serial killers. They could be. I mean I don’t want to doubt their abilities.

So go see Clay Pigeons or rewatch Wedding Crashers, Old School, Swingers or whatever your favorite VV film is. And through on some King of Queens reruns and you’ll be set.

The Green Hornet

Chou?

That is not John Cho. As remarkable as that sounds, I repeat that is not John Cho. I know that we all racistly joke that all ______ (ethnicity) look the same, but Jay Chou and John Cho do look like brothers/twins/the same guy. It really seems like if Jay Chou spiked his hair up and was funny then he’d be John Cho. If John Cho learned martial arts and combed his hair then he’d be Jay Chou. I bet it would be easier to tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi than Jay and John.

Cho?

The Green Hornet looks pretty terrible. But… I’ll see it. This will be the first movie I’m expecting to hang my head and drag myself to see. Jokes wise? The more I think about it, I can’t imagine it isn’t any funnier than a chuckle or two. Action wise? I can’t imagine it is any more exciting than Ghost Rider was. But I saw Ghost Rider in theaters. At the very best, I might not hate The Green Hornet. At its worst, it can’t be worse than Tron. I just saw Tron. That was fucking horrendous, so how much worse can it get?

The movie is also directed by Michel Gondry of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fame. That means absolutely nothing because this movie looks diametrically opposed to that movie, but I thought I would mention it.

Ong Bak 3

I would be remiss if I did not mention this movie. Ong Bak 3 is obviously the third of a series of movies called Ong Bak – that’s just simple science right there. The Ong Bak movies are action movies starring Tony Jaa. Tony’s action style is that of Muay Thai kickboxing. He also runs around and jumps like Jackie Chan/Jet Li. I really loved the first Ong Bak. I really hated the second Ong Bak. So this third one is a complete mystery. I have a feeling it will be bad. Tony has made a bunch of movies with these same directors and the movies are all pretty terrible. The movies with the dialogue and the story and the acting. The action scenes are usually amazing. Ong Bak and Tony’s other movie The Protector have some wild memorable action scenes, but for whatever reason Ong Bak 2 didn’t. The cynic in me believes they kind of blew their wad on the other two movies and need someone else to come in to direct Tony, but who knows.

The Company Men

Ben Affleck, Chris Cooper, Kevin Costner, Tommy Lee Jones, Rosemarie DeWitt, Maria Bello, Craig T. Nelson… so out of the January movie – this might be the good one. It’s about 3 guys who get fired and try to redefine themselves as guys who are now jobless. It sounds ok and at the same time it doesn’t make me want to see it in the least. If it was between renting this ondemand or Tosh.0 reruns, then I would be relaughing at the jokes of ole’ Tosh. But outside of that, I guess I would rent it if my family was forcing movie time on me.

No Strings Attached

Have you ever caught yourself thinking – I want to see something with Ashton Kutcher in it?

Nope. Me neither.

So don’t see this movie.

I never would have guessed that I would think Ashton Kutcher should stay as a behind the scenes type, but of the little enjoyment in my life that Kutcher has given me it has come from things he has produced and not starred in.

But Natalie Portman is in it?

Yeah and she is also in the Star Wars prequels. It doesn’t mean you have to watch those either. I know everyone just started these girl crushes on Portman for Black Swan, but she has been in other great movies and go watch one of those instead of this. Go watch V for Vendetta or Closer.

The Mechanic

I hope Jason Statham pays his taxes because he is well on his way to being the white Wesley Snipes. Actually, I do think that in one way, but in reality I can’t think of 2 good action films Jason Statham has been in and I can think of a lot of good/great Snipes movies.. Ever since Statham got crazy in shape and started spin kicking dudes, he has made the worst movies. The Transporter was good. I’ll say that. The Transporter 2 and 3 are bad, one worse than the other. Death Race is terrible. The Crank movies are in some sense worse than the Holocaust to me because I actually sat through Crank. Now Statham is in The Mechanic where he’ll bring his creepy caller voice and his patented “I spun kick you in the face and my shirt got ripped off at the same time” moves.

Hang in there.

If you watch the trailer for The Mechanic you will learn that a “mechanic” is a hitman. Also, a “transporter” is really code for a “hitman”. Basically if you have a vocationally trained day job and Statham is doing it then he’s a killer.

I’d suggest renting a Wesley Snipes movies instead. In all honesty, Welsey Snipes has a great list of movies and here are a few that will get you through life: Major League, White Men Can’t Jump, Passenger 57, Demolition Man, The Fan, U.S. Marshals, Blade, Blade Trinity and if that is not enough then To Wong Foo Thanks For Anything Julie Newar will cure you of any sickness.

The Rite

Horror movies in January? For fuck’s sake… LEAVE ME ALONE! Anthony Hopkins has no shame. About this time last year, the man was in The Wolfman. You are dead to me Sir Hopkins. DEAD TO ME!

Finally…

I had never heard of this movie until 15 minutes ago, but BAM it is topping my list of something.

Scream of the Banshee

Without further ado, here is its description…

When a college Professor opens up a strange, ornate box discovered in the basement of a University, she and her students hear a horrifying scream belonging to that of a bloodthirsty banshee. They think nothing of it, until that scream begins to haunt all that heard it in strange and surreal ways. According to Irish lore, if you hear a Banshee scream, you will die – which is what starts happening to them one by one, as the creature starts taking their lives…

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

They hear the “bloodthirsty” scream of a “banshee” and “they think nothing of it”. HAHAHAH! Why? Why would you think “nothing” of it? You should seriously think “something” about the bloodthirsty scream of a banshee. You should think something about the happy scream of a banshee let alone a bloodthirsty one. Who hears banshee screams? Especially at “a university”? I have a lot of stories from my college days and none of the begin or end with a bloodthirsty scream of a banshee. “According to Irish lore, if you hear a Banshee scream, you will die” — yeah that lands in the “no shit” category of life. Whoever dies in that movie deserved it. If you think nothing of a banshee screaming and go about your day then you deserve to die.

This movie does have two things for it beside a phenomenal plot:

1. Lauren Holly is in it. When’s the last time you heard that name in a non-ironic sense?

2. This fucking poster…

You’re welcome.

Don’t see any of these movies.

I’ll talk to you Thursday.

Kristen Stewart Does Battle with Yahoo!’s Top 10

I’ve done this before, so I’m doing it again.

I am taking the top 10 trending topics on Yahoo and I’m going to do two things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

Actually, scratch that. I will do three things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

2. Guess why they are trending without looking up why they are actually trending

3. Explain how Kristen Stewart would defeat them in a prison yard shivving contest.

But, before I do – I just wanted to mention that this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which is why you may be seeing more boobs than usual. Oh man, I hope you are seeing more boobs than usual. Honestly, who is really against that? Just seeing more boobs than usual? That’s like getting a little bit more on your paycheck than usual. And money can’t buy you happiness, but boobs can and boobs you can buy with money. Anyway, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, our planet’s President Barack Obama tweeted thus…

@BarackObama: In support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the White House will be lit pink tonight at 6:30.

That’s nice, but I wish “lit pink” was in quotes like “lit pink” because then I would imagine it was an innuendo for getting crazy sexy drunk. What are you doing tonight, Barack? I’m just having some people over and Michelle and I are planning on getting “lit pink” all night. I think Reggie Love is going to be on the 1’s and 2’s spinning it west coast gangsta’ from 11-4 in the morning.

1. David Arquette

I like Cougartown.

Boom! What’s up now? What the fuck is up now? Like is a strong word, but it definitely isn’t “I don’t like Cougartown” and it definitely isn’t “I never want to see another episode of Cougartown again in my life”. It is more so, “I love Modern Family and I never feel like I need to switch the channel after Modern Family is over because Cougartown ain’t a bad like Outsourced is.” Her ex-husband is funny and Busy Philipps could show up on my doorstep and say, “We’re married forever” and I wouldn’t question it ever. She was cool enough for Daniel Desario on Freaks and Geeks than she is cool enough for me. Plus boobs and all.

Anyway, I know David Arquette and Courteney Cox broke up. Supposedly, he is with some new young hot chick. Fair enough. I know two things immediately about Courteney Cox – 1. her name is Courteney and not Courtney. 2. We share the same birthday except she is 19 years older than me. She is a great looking lady and I want her and Jennifer Aniston to become a lesbian couple who occasionally have boy toys and then they film that for Showtime.

Kristen Stewart wouldn’t have to do too much. His only tie to the people’s attention in this world was his wife and now that is over. Next week, will begin the slow fade into obscurity… until Scream 4 comes out and then a month after that he’ll really fade into obscurity and as with all celebrities who lose the spotlight and the affection of the public, his cells will break down and his body will eventually turn to dust and be taken out with the wind. For Kristen, this is a passive waiting game. No sweat.

2. Storm Chasers

Is Twister playing on TNT or something? I think there is a TV show called Storm Chasers, so it could be about them… which ultimately was inspired by Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, their misfit crew featuring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, as well as evil tornado enthusiast Cary Elwes from the glorious movie Twister.

Not to sound too cynical, but I believe Kristen can wait this one out as well. There is probably a decent mortality rate in “storm chasing” if they are driving around in minivans trying to throw ping pong balls into a T-5 tornado like in the movies. I mean Cary Elwes died.

Kristen can probably wait until a towering cylinder of win that appear and disappear at undetermined time and have the power to tear buildings in half just unpredictably cuts right through this reality TV camera crew.

3. Deadliest Catch

Uhhhhh… so… Kristen… could… wait… this… one… out… too…

Isn’t this whole show about being the most dangerous job in the world outside of “bomb maker with tourettes” or “Naomi Campbell’s assistant”? I don’t think Kristen really needs to get involved here. They are running the risk on their own survival at all points in time and every time they do survive we are fed with delicious crab. Kristen can just set-up an egg timer and wait this out. Hit the snooze button until it is all over.

4. McRib

I saw an article on Yahoo entitled “Why can’t we find a McRib?” or something similar. That is what we call one of those “good” problems. Why would you want to find a McRib? I never thought people were looking for them. If a McRib is in closer proximity to you then you are slowing dying anyway. It’s like second smoke or carbon monoxide poisoning or watching Rachel Zoe Project – it is destroying you from the inside out whether you know it or not and whether you actively participate in it or not.

If Kristen Stewart eats a McRib she dies. Let’s just get that straight. Let’s get the bad news out of the way and say that if Kristen Stewart is exposed to a McRib for longer than an hour she will die. Have you ever seen Kristen Stewart? She weighs nothing. Her weight is so insignificant that you would have to get multiples of her and weigh them and then divide that by how many multiples you had to get the weight of one Kristen Stewart – you know like how you do with a penny. If I ate a McRib it would render me useless for at least the next 24 – 36 hours. But it probably wouldn’t kill me. It would certainly take years off my life, but at the same time my belly fat will absorb the McRib like the “Borg” from Star Trek and assimilate this horribleness with the rest of the horribleness that will eventually kill me later. But I would survive it. Like 85% chance I would survive eating it. Meanwhile, Kristen has none of that, so the McRib would attack her full force rendering her into a coma she would never awake from maybe two bites in.

To defeat the McRib – well, first thing first, it is not a waiting game in this one. A McRib will last forever. It will change shape and color, but the potency of the molecular evil that is in this composite commercially produced sandwich will never dissipate. Kristen will need to obliterate the McRib immediately. She will only have one chance at this. Once the two are put into the same area to begin their battle for supremacy, every second that passes that Kristen doesn’t blow up the McRib with a want blast then the McRib’s fumes will begin their course of action in toppling the mighty K-Stew. I would suggest a clothespin for her nose and sunglasses for her eyes and wearing a full bomb blast body armor out of The Hurt Locker and ramp up her want to 9000 and blast that fucker into the stratosphere.

5. 50 Cent Rhino

First off, yes.

I read about this before, a rhinoceros was shot 9 times by poachers and survived. Now wildlife people want 50 Cent to adopt it to continue to save its life and because he was shot 9 times and survived. Yes, I want this to happen. I want pictures of 50 Cent and a Rhino 50 Cent.

Kristen ain’t killing this. If anything I believe that celebrities like Kristen Stewart should begin adopting wildlife like rhinos because why not and they should peer pressure 50 Cent into buying his own rhino army. Have you seen that man’s twitter page? Besides a middle school English teacher, that man needs a rhino army stat.

Stand down, Kristen.

6. Katherine Heigl

Hopefully, this is an announcement by Katherine Heigl to start making what people in business call “good” movies. That would be cool. She has been apart of a few good movies like Knocked Up, 100 Girls, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, My Father the Hero and all 10,000 of those day dreams of us living happily together after I saw My Father the Hero when I was 11 – just to name a few. There is a chance she could go back to making good movies again.

Do not be mistaken, Katherine Heigl is a formidable opponent. She has all the traits of a well deserving adversary – she looks good in a bikini, she … that’s really enough right there. I mean when talking about why Hank Aaron is such a great baseball player, saying he hit 755 homeruns is really all you need to say. He was great outside of that as well, but that is perfectly acceptable. I know I’m not alone on this, but Katherine Heigl is really good looking and she can do comedy, so I’m rooting for her to get back into making movies that I don’t feel shameful in seeing.

Preferably, Kristen Stewart would defeat Katherine Heigl via kissing her to death. Or at the very least, kissing her until she submits then Kristen would kiss her some more just for giggles.

7. Leonardo DiCaprio

More like DiCrapio, amirite? I bet all the boys at school called him that while DiCaprio was off finger-blasting their moms. Just a good ole’ finger-blasting. I did write “making out” first, but finger-blasting is just funnier. Also, I enjoy the fact I feel like classing up the joint, but adding the hyphen in there like I’m using the Queen’s English to type out “finger-blasting”.

I honestly was curious as to why Leo is in the news trending. It appears people are now realizing that he is going to be J. Edgar Hoover in a movie called Hoover directed by Clint Eastwood. Sounds very promising. That was announced a while ago, but I don’t expect people to stalk the IMDB page of EVERYONE like I do. Anyway, I was curious about Leo being in the news because Christopher Nolan directed Leo in Inception, which Chris Nolan directed, Nolan also directs the Batman movies, Nolan just announced that Tom Hardy who was in Inception will be in the next Batman movie… so… maybe… Leo… would… be… in… the… new… Batman… but… no.

I don’t want Kristen Stewart to destroy Leonardo DiCaprio because he is making movies I am enjoying nowadays. Well, if there is a way that if Kristen Stewart us unleashed like a Sentinel from X-Men and hunts down Leonardo DiCaprio and kills him with optic blasts and sheer metallic power and then gives Leo’s girl/swimsuit supermodel Bar Refeali an ultimatum that she is to track me down and make me the happiest man on Earth for the rest of our days together (we’re both Jewish, it could work) then she should get on killing Leo already! Outside of that, let the man live so he can continue making good movies.

As for Tom Hardy, I’m excited he is in the new Batman movie. I think he could easily be the new villain. I’m not sure who he should be, but I think he gives a full force performance in whatever role he is given. Also, he is known to physically transform himself for a role like he did in Bronson and like what he was preparing to do for Mad Max. A lot of people assume “the Riddler” will be the next villain. I am a fan of the Riddler and Tom Hardy could definitely be the Riddler (why not). There are a few ideas that I wouldn’t mind seeing in the new Batman movie (all or some would be great): Batman being chased by the police, Catwoman, Two Face dispensing his own justice.

The end of The Dark Knight has Batman starting to be the focus of the police that they need to catch him as an outlaw. That is a great theme in the comic books. He is not a loved man in Gotham. He is a marked man that is a vigilante who needs to be stopped whether or not what he is doing is right or not. He is terrorist in the purest definition of the word. I like that idea. I like that Batman is an anti-hero. Bad guys are in awe of Superman, but they fear Batman. As for Catwoman, there is no female character going into this 3rd movie. And there really hasn’t been any solid female characters in the other 2 (Maggie and Katie were peripheral at best). A strong and sexy opposition for Batman could be great. In these two past movies, Katie/Maggie could have been in love with Bruce, but not Batman. Catwoman wants Batman and not Bruce Wayne. That is interesting and would set this movie a part from the others. Thirdly, I would like to see Two Face back and that funeral at the end of The Dark Knight was a cover-up for Harvey Dent still being alive and being stuffed somewhere in Arkham, but he escapes and is now judging people with the flip of a coin and the trigger of a gun.

I’m so excited for Batman, can you tell?

8. Busch Gardens Coaster

A new roller coaster at Busch Gardens? Get all those people who are eating McRibs to jump on the coaster at once and pretty sure that would kill that thing forever. Easy peasy.

Or Kristen Stewart could get a monkey wrench and take that bitch apart. I heard she used to play with erectorsets when she was a kid, I’m sure that knowledge will transfer. What? You doubt Kristen Stewart’s engineering skills? And you call yourself fans. Pffftttt…

9. Alien Prequel

Why the fuck not? Some people may think that an Alien prequel would be bad because it could hurt the franchise’s integrity. Those people didn’t see Alien 3 or Alien Ressurection. Those movies were not good. Good directors and good actors and still bad movies. Crazy, right? It is a lot harder to make a good movie than people think I suppose. Plus those Alien vs. Predator movies didn’t help anything or anybody. But they should try again with a good director and good actors. The alien from Alien is one of the more memorable creations in cinematic history, so why not go for it.

Supposedly, Natalie Portman is in talks for the movie. I guess to play a younger Sigourney Weaver/Ripley. Makes sense. Natalie is gorgeous, great actress, and she looks good bald. Like really good bald. Like so really good, I should be saying great. Anyway, I’m a fan of Natalie as mentioned yesterday, so I’m all for it. The more movies with Natalie Portman the better. I have rarely heard a rumor of her being in a movie where I wasn’t completely for it. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – fucking for it! Supposedly, that movie might not happen anymore, but that movie would have been good with Natalie Portman in it.

As for Kristen and Portman doing battle, see item #6 with Katherine Heigl. Kissing contest to the death. I don’t think either would lose. It would just go on forever warming the spirit of humanity and serving as an endless light we should all strive for when creating policy in this great democracy of ours ala John F. Kennedy’s “eternal flame”.

Seriously, how many other blogs have the courage out there to compare two girls kissing to the presidential memorial gravesite in Washington D.C. of our 35th President?

Answer: not enough

Also, Natalie and I would work. I’m Jewish, funny, kind-hearted, and she has terrible taste in men.

10. Matt Damon

Matt Damon needs to be stopped!

Not really. He’s ok in my books. He makes good movies and bad movies and doesn’t seem to be a prick about it. I think he would honestly like that assessment of him. Also, I’m glad he is giving up on the Bourne franchise. The Bourne Ultimatum is the best that movie is going to get. There is no need to keep going with it just because. Let someone else take the it and run it into the ground. Identity was good, Supremacy was a let down and Ultimatum rocked. That is good enough. You can make other movies.

I would like to see him make a comedy that does not have Steven Soderbergh as the director or some Soderbergh disciple. There are a few directors that I think could really use Damon well in a comedy – namely Judd Apatow or Adam McKay. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Ben Affleck and him reteaming for a comedy that maybe they write. It could be semi-autobiographical – it could be about two famous actors who are adversaries or become adversaries.

As for Kristen Stewart defeating Matt Damon? Well, he has had a lot of training for all these action movies, but really *hand job motion* come on – they’re actors, how tough could they be? If she could lure Matt Damon with her lip biting and sexy stare to a room that locks from the outside and once she locks him inside that room she starts a screening for Matt of his movie The Informant! and let’s the movie play on repeat – I’m sure he’ll have killed himself by the opening credits of the third time.

And that’s how we play the Kristen Stewart kills the Top 10 List GAME!!!!!

Questions for Friday!?!

Today I’m Going To Talk About STAR WARS

Before I do, I have two other things I’m-uh gonna-uh talk-uh about-uh:

1. Have you ever been alone in a public bathroom pooping when the automatic flusher in the next stall goes off? You’re just sitting there TCOB-ing it and you’re all alone. It is perfectly quiet. Then the automatic flusher in the next stall is triggered and the whoosh of the toilet sounds off like an explosion cutting through that silence. It’s scary. Oh great there is a ghost in the bathroom. Fan-fucking-tastic, my pants are around my ankles and the stall next to me is haunted by a poltergeist. And is it just the stall? Or the whole bathroom? Is the ghost confined to those plastic partitions or is it signaling to me it is there in the bathroom and now is standing in the extra luxury space of the handicap stall watching me on the toilet?

Either way, I don’t know proper ghost etiquette. Do I handle pooping next to this ghost like it was a normal person? Do I cough loudly when I’m going to fart to mask the sound? Do I have to explain the smell? Do I have to explain why the noises? “I’m assuming you are a ‘Mr.’ Ghost because this is the ‘men’s room’. I had a corn beef sandwich yesterday for lunch and Swedish meatballs for dinner last night and, well, a couple pieces of cake. It was an emotionally trying day and I comforted myself with food. This morning I’ve had a little more coffee than I usually have to try to help flush out yesterday’s eating habits. I hope that explains why it smells like burnt formaldehyde and why it sounds like I’m drowning a bag of cats in the stall next to you. I’ll make sure to courtesy flush.” Purely hypothetical scenario.

2. On What Would Tyler Durden Do yesterday, there was a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt eating ice cream. Actually it is of her holding ice cream, but that’s pretty close. I’m not taking 100% credit for that. Actually I will. Anytime you see a picture of a celebrity eating or holding ice cream from here on out was inspired by me. This is a side note to a side note, but recently Jennifer Love Hewitt was discussed in my real life concerning her having a nice long list of douchey boyfriends. Just saying. Oh yeah, she wants it and she’s hot. Maybe a post for another day.

STAR WARS!

Well, I really only want to talk about the original trilogy, the Holy Trilogy, but I have to say something about the Prequels which are an abomination. The Prequels are so terrible they need to be discussed for at least a minute or in my case a two pages with pictures which may end up going for way too long to the point that I make this a 2 part post. We’ll just have to wait and see on that. I was/am surprised as many of you can lay claim to not seeing Star Wars in any capacity. The question, whether or not you should see the Holy Trilogy? That is an emphatic YES! YOU NEED TO MOTHERFUCKING SEE THEM AND KEEP SEEING THEM UNTIL YOU ROB YOURSELF OF YOUR YOUTH AND BURNT OUT YOUR RETINAS AND NOW YOU ARE BLIND WALKING AROUND IN HARD SOLE SHOES LIKE RAY CHARLES!!!!!!  But should you see the Prequels? No.

That is an inside voice and direct “No”. Don’t see them. I understand wanting to watch a bad movie because it could be so bad it will be funny. As of right now, I kind of want to see Law Abiding Citizen with Gerard Butler and Jamie Foxx. Reason being: that movie looks provocatively stupid. Gerard Butler is in jail, but he is still orchestrating the most complicated assassinations ever outside of the jail. Uhhh, what? Sneaking in a couple of airplane size bottles of Jack Daniels, buying a small Coke at the concession stand, dumping half of that Coke into the bathroom sink, mixing in the airplane bottles of bourbon whiskey, and then going to see the movie while sipping on that happy juice sounds like a good plan.

The problem with the Prequels and that plan is they are forever long. Those movies are so long you’ll be shitty drunk by the opening credits and you’ll be dead sober by the closing credits. Not fun. It’ll be like going to detox. Also you may end up quitting drinking altogether because from that moment on you will associate drinking with the Prequels and will never want to relive that experience again. Booze is supposed to help you forget about the Prequels, not help you remember them. The Prequels are that bad even if you haven’t seen the Originals. If you have seen the Originals then imagine watching your childhood being water-boarded, actually just imagine yourself being water-boarded. Ugh they suck.

So I’ve been posting pictures of Natalie Portman. She is so hot and she wants it. Natalie Portman and Jennifer Love Hewitt both want it and they both have a lot of douchey boyfriends. They would probably have a lot to talk about over coffee. Anyway, I think Natalie Portman is so hot I think she should be in every movie. Like all of them. I honestly don’t care how they figure out her to be in the movie she should just be in them. Short hair? Yes. Long hair? Yes. Shaved head? Yes. I don’t care just put her in the stupid moving pictures! I honestly could stare at this all day:

Natalie Portman is in the Prequels. She is the only redeeming value the Prequels have, but she has made tons of other movies, so just go see one of those movies. I would suggest Closer. It is a good movie plus she is in a thong in it which is amazing. V for Vendetta is a great choice as well. Not much of her in a thong, but a great movie nonetheless. Natalie is also in The Professional which is one of my favorite movies. She is 12 in it and she does want it. There are no two ways around that. It’s a French film so they’re the creeps not me. That is a strange way to end the Prequels segment… hmmm… she’s good in that movie. Gary Oldman is amazing in that movie. Seriously, I didn’t cast, direct or write any of that movie. I’m not to blame. Stop judging me. I didn’t write the scene where she does the Marilyn Monroe “Happy Birthday” song to Jean Reno. I had nothing to do with it. Next paragraph –

Natalie Portman wants it a lot. More than most. I probably should just turn this post into a post about how much she fucking wants it, but… uh screw it. She wants it. Natalie really wants it. But there is more context to her want than Kristen Stewart’s. Natalie is definitely in the high percentage of wanting it all the time. She would be in easily the about 3/5ths (fractions?) range. As far as magazine photo shoots or red carpet appearances that number gets way the fuck jacked up to 9/10ths. Natalie Portman wants it on that red carpet. She’s like a bull. Natalie “Toro” Portman. When she sees that red carpet her eyes focus, her mouth slightly opens and then she says in head in a breathy whisper “I want it” and flash bulbs climax everywhere.

 

But the difference is, Kristen Stewart does that everywhere. Natalie frames her want in certain settings, certain scenes of a movie, certain moments in life. Kristen doesn’t have that luxury. Kristen Stewart just wants it all time every time every where. Natalie Portman uses her gorgeous sexy want like the precious perfect diamond commodity it is. Natalie Portman’s want is a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. Natalie’s want is a classy expensive filet mignon or kobe beef steak dinner served with red wine by the glass. It is an international chain of elegance and fine dining and is available year round. But it isn’t an every night of the week engagement, you’ll need reservations, you need to dress up. Kristen Stewart’s want is like McDonalds. There is already at least one EVERYWHERE and they are still building new ones. They’re open to 2am if not 24 hours. Bare bones prices and everyone is welcome 7 days a week. Kristen Stewart’s want, I’m loving it!

 

Return of the Jedi is the best Star Wars movie.

Damn it. I’m already at the third page and I haven’t talked about the Originals yet. By the way, I’m going to talk “spoilers” because these movies came out literally forever ago and at the same time may be the most widely referenced movies ever so you should’ve fucking seen them already. Hmmm… Well let me just play the hits then – I don’t agree with Dante’s rant in Clerks that Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie.

Empire is easily the second best one, but not the best. Generally speaking, I can see his point. I do understand why he believes Empire Strikes Back is better because it has an edgier storyline, the bad guys win, it is dark, real life is dark and blah blah blah cry cry cry. Besides that Empire Strikes Back is great for a ton of other reasons: snow battle scenes on Hoth, Luke learning to be a Jedi with Yoda, parallel story telling of Han Solo’s journey and Luke’s journey, Han being two-timed by Lando, Han being frozen by Boba Fett, Darth Vader like a bad ass tossing Luke around like a bitch and then cutting off his bitch hand, revelation of Vader being the sperm donor, the greatest line in Star Wars “I love you” “I know”… and on and on and on. Sure one could view it that way…. That is if they wanted to be wrong.

Return of the Jedi is hands down better. First,

 

You’re gay if you think otherwise. This was in Return of the Jedi! SLAVE GIRL PRINCESS LEIA! This and Phoebe Cates taking off her bikini top in Fast Times at Ridgemont High are the most popularly referenced masturbatory fantasy scenes in modern movies. Seriously, seeing Princess Leia in that gold bikini with a collar around her neck chained to the greatest morbidly obese character in movie history, Jabba the Hut, was a defining moment in every straight man’s and gay women’s life. Carrie Fischer looked unbelievable in that bikini! Also the reveal of Princess Leia just being in that outfit and everything was just so mind-blowing.

 

Up until that point Leia wasn’t running around the Death Star in knee high socks and a sports bra. She was a Princess(!) and was always conservatively dressed. But this! Good God! It came out of nowhere. Imagine you come home one day and your dog you have had your whole life just turns to you and says “I can fly and can grant wishes. Oh and I can talk too. I have understood everything you have said. I have decided that it is about time I tell you because I really wanted to express to someone how much I’ve been enjoying Alien Week on KSWI and I do think he is right that Kristen Stewart wants IT. Yes, I know how to use the computer. I have also taken the liberty of preparing your taxes for you for next year. To be blunt, you are retarded when it comes to handling your personal finances. I will grant you a single wish each day from this day forward. But my wish granting capabilities are restricted by time, so if your first wish was for Carrie Fischer dressed in the Slave Girl outfit from Return of the Jedi then it would today’s Carrie Fischer in that outfit and not 1983’s Carrie Fischer and I do not believe anyone wants to see that.” It was like that surprising.

 

What else does Return of the Jedi have? Luke is a fucking badass in it. Luke is decked out in black with a pimp hand black glove, a green lightsaber he is cutting every mofo’ up with, he does flips, he uses the force et cetera. He is an actual hero in the movie. He isn’t some cry baby pretending to be a tough guy. He is actually beating people’s asses left and right. Also, not going to lie, LUKE FUCKING WANTS IT. He wants it so bad in that whole Jabba the Hut beginning of Return of the Jedi. He wants it less when he is dicking around in the forest fighting the stormtroopers, but then he wants it a ton at the end. I mean how can you not love the movie that features the final climatic fight between father and son, good and evil, light and dark, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader!

 

What else? Everyone is kicking ass and taking names in that movie. It is nearly all action with an incredibly emotional ending. Leia is kicking ass, Han is kicking ass, Chewbacca is kicking ass, Lando is kicking ass, R2D2 is kicking ass and an entire civilization of hairy dwarves are kicking all the ass. Fuck Dante for calling the Ewoks “muppets”. Muppets!?! MUPPETS!?! I’d like to see Gonzo take down an AT-AT walker! Not only one, but several. The Ewoks are throwing rocks, using bolos, setting up trip wires, riding the forest hoverbikes and at the same time they are the most adorable little snuggle bunnies that most likely have rabbies, scabbies and all the other “bies”. They live in an elaborate tree fort; hygiene didn’t look too high on their necessities list. Empire is a phenomenal movie, but Jedi is everything that you’ve been waiting for.

 

Lastly, to tie in Kristen Stewart yet again. God help us all if there is a Yoda, Emperor Palpatine, Obi Wan Kenobi, or whatever to help teach Kristen Stewart how to harness her want. I think it’s best we all leave Kristen Stewart’s inability to use her want where it is. She doesn’t need to get any better at using it or learn how to control it. If someone taught her how to control it instead of letting it endlessly leak out like a hole in the Hoover Dam then we wouldn’t get to see it all the time. Kristen would hide her want like these other celebrities and only show it to us at proper times. Instead Kristen’s want runs buck naked through the streets of all our lives and that is a good thing. At the same time, we don’t want anyone to teach her how to truly harness her want.

As valuable as it would be for Kristen Stewart to be able to weaponize her want and obliterate anything in her path, I don’t want that to happen. That is way too scary of a proposition if that were to fall into the wrong hands. By “wrong hands” I mean anyone’s hands, but my own and, maybe, Bo Jackson. I think I can trust Bo Jackson. I love Bo Jackson. Nevertheless, Bo Jackson and I know that power has the potential to cause more harm than good. As mentioned it could be our only hope to survive the elephant apocalypse, but who knows? Maybe by then we’ll have lightsabers. I could kill some elephants with lightsabers.

I want to keep writing about Star Wars, but the internet may die when I try to upload that document whenever it was finished.