It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died… DEUX!

FEBRUARY MOVIES

motherfuckers

I left off with the month of January on Tuesday and then did not write anything on Wednesday and today is Thursday and it is the month of February ahead of us. MOVIES FROM THE FUTURE!

But first…

Against my better judgment I suppose, I follow many of you on Twitter and in doing so I cannot escape the sappy tsunami that is Twilight. I guess for you all that follow me you can say “against your better judgment” you follow me and in doing so you cannot escape “football” or random pop-culture references or inside jokes that only I get. Nevertheless, yesterday my timeline was hijacked by this image much like “FEATHERS!” did whenever that happened.

I will say that this picture out does FEATHERS! just by the sheer fact that that is the actors from the movie and I can see that instead of a hand, anyone’s hand, and some FEATHERS! At the same time, I really don’t find this picture in the least bit sexy or romantic. To be critical of the lighting and color and that they look like they may be inches from the Earth’s Sun or how blown out (not sexual) they look from all the white so really all that is distinguishable is Kristen’s hair and his knuckles next to her hair.

More than anything I think the dumb point of this is that with Kristen’s eyes closed, unemotional look on her face, and in an odd position of lightly grazing Rob’s chin with the back of her index finger – she could be a mannequin or dead and rigor mortise has set in or they’re role-playing and Kristen Stewart is Helen Keller and Rob Pattinson is Annie Sullivan. At second glance it sort of looks like Rob has his eyes closed as well. Maybe they can’t open their eyes because there is a billion watt bulb burning a hole through the right side of their bodies because the director thought that would look good. Or maybe they are having Stevie Wonder sex.

Seriously, are there no blind people who are famous post Stevie Wonder? (David Patterson excluded because he is only regionally famous)

MOVIES!

The Roommate

There have been an ass ton of movies where one girl gets obsessed with another one and then that first one ends up trying to kill the other one so she can become her. Because there are so many movies with this plot, I can only naturally assume this is happening in real life. So think about the girls you are friends with. Think about the one that most closely resembles yourself. Now realize that at some point she may try to kill you and take your life or vice vera and you’ll do that to her. So start your preparations for either eventuality.

Single White Female was one of the better movies of this type, but the real reason to see this movie is that Leighton Meester is hot…

and Minka Kelly is hot…

And they do look remarkably similar. It’s like the Jay Chou and John Cho thing all over again except I don’t have to make a life changing decision or have a long talk with my parents about me wanting to have sex with these two in a faux twins threesome.

But there is the internet so you can look up pictures of them on the internet or even look up Leighton’s foot fetish sex porn and save the $10 it would be to see this movie.

Sanctum

The only reason I mention this movie is because it is in 3D! Outside of that, it is about a bunch of deep sea researchers off the coast of South Africa I think and they get caught underwater with little amount of supplies and it is a race against time whether they get out or not. They knew the risks. I’m just betting they die and never seeing this movie ever. Sanctum? Pfffttt…

The Eagle

If the Roman Empire could see now what horrendous movies they spawn on the reg they wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble and let the Germanic tribes take them over long long long ago. Wow. I really thought we as a people had done enough to the memory of arguably the greatest empire in history and then we went all Channing Tatum on their ass. I don’t wish upon my worst enemy Channing Tatum. That kid has a nack for making horrendous movies in a way I did not know was possible. Has anyone seen Fighting? Oof. Arguably the best bit of acting Channing Tatum has done was being shot in the back to death at 100 yards by Christian Bale in Public Enemies. That movie sucked as well, by the way. There really should be a moratorium placed on making films about Rome because for what is the basis of the American educational system’s history department for much of your life – no one knows dick about it and is doing a terrible job representing it.

Don’t see this movie. Go watch anything else.

Gnomeo & Juliet

From the “genius” who brought us Shrek 2, comes a kids version of Romeo & Juliet, but with gnomes. Get it? Me neither. I’d rather get shot in the shoulder with a bullet than see this movie. I’d rather learn the pain of a metal bullet with the force of a thousand hammers tear through my flesh and most likely break a bone or two than see this movie. Unless… in the end “Gnomeo” drinks poison and the gnome Juliet stabs herself to death because that I might pay to see.

Just Go With It

This movie title could not be any more appropriate. In Adam Sandler’s new movie he is a guy who picks up Brooklyn Decker… right there “just go with it” is very appropriate. Are we the audience supposed to believe that Adam Sandler is attracting this…

I have more faith in this world that there is a planet out there called “Pandora” and there are big blue monkeys that play basketball and act like Native Americans who are defending some natural resource that our government is secretly mining for meanwhile these same long blue monkeys ride pterodactyls by sticking their tail in the others’ tail… than Adam Sandler having sex with Brooklyn Decker.

Anyway, for some reason in the movie Sandler has to pretend he is married and Jennifer Aniston is the chick he pretends he’s married to. How convenient I suppose. The movie’s title is in reference to Jen’s character and her kids’ characters that they’re just supposed to “go with it” so Sandler can convince Decker that she is to be with him. I think the title is really a reference that if you like Adam Sandler and you still consider yourself a fan then you’re just supposed to “go with it” as he makes another terrible film where he is sexing up women you honestly don’t believe he could ever get in real life and you’re hoping he’ll decide to make a movie that is funny a few years from now.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

I know little to nothing about Bieber, which is how I like it. I have no idea what “never say never” is in reference to, but it seems wildly out of place for a kid who I believe is 7 years old and is a multi-millionaire and is always trending on twitter to such a degree I’m pretty sure that twitter doesn’t allow his name to be in the trending topics because it would always be there making everyone else feel less important. Is “never say never” about us expecting him to have a concert film in theaters across the nation? Because I would have said that is definitely happening. There have been by my calculations ONE HUNDRED Jonas Brothers concert movies in theaters, so Bieber getting one is not in the least bit surprising.

I re-watched the VMAs the other day and I stand by my assessment of Justin Bieber: Michael Jackson would have molested the shit out of that kid.

The Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

Quick review: if it ain’t broke then don’t fix it. Martin Lawrence as an enormous old black woman is gold. Apparently any black man as an enormous old black woman is gold. It worked for Eddie Murphy, it has worked and worked and worked and worked times INFINITY for Tyler Perry and it has worked 3x now for Martin Lawrence.

If I have any advice for Jay Pharaoh on Saturday Night Live it would be QUIT! That show fucking sucks! Jim Carrey was just the host of the show and it was terrible! Secondly, I would say to Jay that he should get a prosthetic mold done of him as a ginormous grandmother with type 2 diabetes and a fashion sense of Mrs. Buttersworth and start working on his fart jokes and prat falls because that is where the money is.

I Am Number Four

Hello there, Teresa Palmer. This lovely lady is I Am Number Four. That’s about it. The rest of the movie appears to be a shitty superhero movie trying to appear to YOU ALL the Twilighters. They’re in high school, they’re all full of angst. I even read an article that I imagine Yahoo was paid to specifically write by the producers of this movie trying to link this movie and Twilight. Will it be the next Twilight? That’s what they asked. Well… no.

No it will not. I Am Number Four will be no more popular than any other movie that comes out in February. Why won’t it be Twilight? Well there are no vampires. Surprisingly enough there are no vampires in this movie. It may be the only movie that has no vampires in it. There are so many vampire, zombie, and alien movies nowadays.

Secondly, there is no FEATHERS and there is no Stevie Wonder sex. So, what does have I Am Number Four have? Teresa Palmer probably doing not too much and probably some shitty fight scenes where the main character whines that he doesn’t want all this pressure of having super hero powers.

I don’t think anyone is planning on seeing this movie anyway, so I’ll just say you should be drinking more water in your daily diet. Just a helpful hint. Also, reduced fat peanut butter is in a lot of ways worse for you than regular peanut butter. And if you are in an elevator and you hold the button of the floor you want to go to and the door close button at the same time it should take you directly to that floor without stopping.

Drive Angry 3D

Let’s not. Nic Cage! If you weren’t satisfied with skipping Season of the Witch and wanted to skip another new Nicolas Cage movie this year then your wait is almost over. Drive Angry 3D is a movie that was specifically designed for the third dimension and for you to wear those stupid glasses to see this shitty movie. Just don’t see it. I know you won’t, but I feel obligated to say don’t. If you want to get high and go see a movie then just don’t choose this one. Choose any number of movies. Just get high and rent something. Stay off the roads. No one needs you high and driving. Just get blazed and rewatch Pineapple Express it will be infinitely more enjoyable.

Two more to go…

Hall Pass

Out of all these movies, Hall Pass may actually render some laughs in a good way. Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis are two married guys who somehow get their wives to allow them to have a “hall pass” or a week off from marriage to try and get laid with some strange pussy. I get what the ladies think in this movie that their two out of touch husbands wouldn’t be able to pull it off and they’re calling their bluff. I’m not so sure that is the best idea for two men who snagged Christina Applegate and Jenna Fischer. I mean they somehow got them right? That’s like a guy running a 6 minute mile being dared to run another mile in under 8 minutes. That seems like a losers bet.

Either way, it is a pretty good cast and I bet Sudeikis and Wilson garner at least a few laughs. But it is coming out in February, so it probably won’t be a cult classic or anything.

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Liam Neeson.

February is the month of good looking wives. In this movie, Liam Neeson is married to January Jones. Jeebus, right? And I believe it. I buy that. I buy that Liam Neeson gets January Jones. It is crazier to think that the reality in this world is that Jason Sudeikis I believe is with January Jones, but I definitely see Liam Neeson with JJ and pissing off every man inside when they pass by, but earning a ton of respect. Nevertheless… Liam Neeson.

A couple years ago, Liam was in a movie called Taken. That movie and Unknown look remarkably similar that they could be movies that were made a year or two earlier and are just coming out now just for the hell of it because it is a weak month of movies. The movie is a mystery thriller and at some point Liam will shoot a guy with a gun and commit hand-to-hand combat on somebody’s broke ass.

I wouldn’t fuck with Liam Neeson. In the twilight of this man’s life, Liam Neeson has been undergoing a ton of hand-to-hand combat training. No idea why, but this man is well-prepared for any mugging. I wouldn’t mess with him. He’s tall, he is trained self-defense and regardless of age or looks – if you’re white -> you’re fucking Liam Neeson… or I should say would. So, Liam has all my respect.

You don't fuck with Liam Neeson; He fucks with you.

QUESTIONS FOR FRIDAY!?!?!?!?!

It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died…

… then two months from now they will rise from the cave we buried them in like Jesus of Nazareth, NY and we can start seeing movies again unashamed.

Until that point, you will feel very ashamed of seeing any movie that is from 2011 and not the humble 2010.

Congratulations Cam Newton! America smiles when you smile.

If you have been unaware for pretty much your whole life, the film buzinezz ditches movies they have little faith in at the beginning of the year. February categorically is seen as “dump” month. It is also “dump” month for people who celebrate Valentine’s Day and their partner takes it to seriously and you think to yourself “am I really going to go through this pink bullshit holiday again?” February is also “dump” month for people with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). But it all honesty, every month is “dump” month when you have IBS.

Bad movies populate the theater with a jihadist frenzy in February. That has also bled into surrounding months like January and March. Generally speaking, the end of the year is when the dramatic good movies come out, so when the new year arrives the filmzy people dump all their shit movies on us for a couple months. This also happens in September. After the action and comedy blitz of the Summer, the filmlosers give us shitty shitty movies for September and generally October until they get us set-up again for the end of year barrage of “Oscar winners”.

Today, I will highlight the January movies you will hopefully be skipping. And then on Thursday, I will do the same for February. Also, if someone reminds me, I thought of a post about “things I would trust and wouldn’t trust Kristen Stewart to do”. I think this could be a reoccurring post about not only Kristen, but other people as well. That of course is all contingent on whether I remember to do that next week…

Also, if you want a more serious look at movies then check out Cinesnark – http://cinesnark.wordpress.com/ – It’s good stuff. The writer of said site reads this website (for better or for worse I suppose for her) and she does a great job, so I thought I should mention that.

JANUARY MOVIES…

motherfuckers…

I thought the “January Movies” looked a little lonely, so today you are motherfuckers.

Season of the Witch

Nicolas Cage is a national treasure. He was also in National Treasure and its sequel. But he is a national treasure himself. I’m not sure of what nation in particular, but with the wealth of material this man consistently puts out regardless of the fact no one asks him to, is just remarkable. I don’t know what Cage’s end game is, but my guess is to be in a movie directed by every single director who has ever been called a director ever in all of living history. Seems sensible, right?

Season of the Witch looks fucking awful. Real bad. Typically, Cage is decorated in a flowing mane wig. I watched a movie called Good Hair, which I highly recommend. It is about the hair care business for black people. It was made by Chris Rock (the) and is unbelievably funny and informative. I really enjoyed the hell out of it. One reason being that Nia Long is in it. Nia Long in my mind is of the same mythical status as Taye Diggs. I feel like Nia Long has been a crush/love interest for men of all races and demographics and she has done it with short and long hair (not an easy task). Part of that has to do with her being gorgeous and aging gorgeously. The other part of that has to do with her being on Fresh Prince of Bel Air and even the terrorists know of Geoffrey, the Carlton dance, and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Just ask them. Just start talking to a terrorist and then begin “In West Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground where I spent most of my days…” and that terrorist and you will then sing the rest of that glorious song.

What was I talking about?

Right… Good Hair. Apparently, black people account for 7/8’s of the haircare business or something. I’m pretty sure that Nicolas Cage’s wigs account for the other 1/8th. That was a long way to go for a joke, but I got to talk about Nia Long and Good Hair, so it worked.

Season of the Witch looks fucking awful still. Cage is a knight who is fighting people trying to kill some girl because she’s a witch or whatever. My question is – why doesn’t Nicolas Cage play a serial killer in a movie? I know Nic Cage has fought serial killers in movies, but was he a serial killer in a movie? Because if someone told you Nicolas Cage was a serial killer I don’t think you would be shocked. That is why he should be one in a movie. Play what you know.

Barney’s Version

Paul Giamatti hooking up with hot chicks… basically. Oh and Dustin Hoffman is in it too. I’ve never had sex with Minnie Driver or Rachelle Lefevre or Rosamund Pike. That may have come to a shock to some of you, but I haven’t had sex with any of those women. I’m pretty sure having sex with them would be awesome. It appears that Paul Giamatti of all people has sex with all three of them in the movie (not at the same time… although I would pay to see that), so I’m thoroughly not sure why he seems so fucking depressed in the movie. He smokes cigars, drinks, isn’t nice to anyone, overweight, barely taking care of himself… but he is somehow having sex on the regular with great looking women. Is this movie “science fiction”? The movie looks pretty paint by numbers, but it says it is from a book and the book was good, but it is coming out in January, so probably not good.

Also, Scott Speedman is in it. So of course that excites me and sells many movie tickets.

The Dilemma

Normally, I would say Vince Vaughn and Kevin James sounds great. At the same time, when I say “normally” I guess I’m pretending I live in a solar system on a rock and iron planet that doesn’t have a history of Kevin James and Vince Vaughn making a ton of shitty movies. I think Vince Vaughn is possibly one of the funniest people who could be filmed… and yet he make movies that make sane people punch babies. And babies do not want to be punched – even when they are asking for it. Kevin James is also a funny man, but he’ll appear in any movie ever because he’s probably running out of his King of Queens money.

The movie might have a couple chuckles in it, but it looks pretty who gives a fuck. Queen Latifah is in it, which is great. It is. I would like to Vince Vaughn appear in a real movie again. It feels like it has been awhile – 3 years. And speaking of serial killers (were we still talking about serial killers?), one of the best Vince Vaughn movies is Clay Pigeons. It also stars Joaquin Phoenix. The movie is amazing and one of my favorites. Vince is a serial killer in it. I guess I should have clarified that. That’s why we were still talking about serial killers. I didn’t mean to imply that Vince Vaughn or Joaquin Phoenix are serial killers. They could be. I mean I don’t want to doubt their abilities.

So go see Clay Pigeons or rewatch Wedding Crashers, Old School, Swingers or whatever your favorite VV film is. And through on some King of Queens reruns and you’ll be set.

The Green Hornet

Chou?

That is not John Cho. As remarkable as that sounds, I repeat that is not John Cho. I know that we all racistly joke that all ______ (ethnicity) look the same, but Jay Chou and John Cho do look like brothers/twins/the same guy. It really seems like if Jay Chou spiked his hair up and was funny then he’d be John Cho. If John Cho learned martial arts and combed his hair then he’d be Jay Chou. I bet it would be easier to tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi than Jay and John.

Cho?

The Green Hornet looks pretty terrible. But… I’ll see it. This will be the first movie I’m expecting to hang my head and drag myself to see. Jokes wise? The more I think about it, I can’t imagine it isn’t any funnier than a chuckle or two. Action wise? I can’t imagine it is any more exciting than Ghost Rider was. But I saw Ghost Rider in theaters. At the very best, I might not hate The Green Hornet. At its worst, it can’t be worse than Tron. I just saw Tron. That was fucking horrendous, so how much worse can it get?

The movie is also directed by Michel Gondry of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fame. That means absolutely nothing because this movie looks diametrically opposed to that movie, but I thought I would mention it.

Ong Bak 3

I would be remiss if I did not mention this movie. Ong Bak 3 is obviously the third of a series of movies called Ong Bak – that’s just simple science right there. The Ong Bak movies are action movies starring Tony Jaa. Tony’s action style is that of Muay Thai kickboxing. He also runs around and jumps like Jackie Chan/Jet Li. I really loved the first Ong Bak. I really hated the second Ong Bak. So this third one is a complete mystery. I have a feeling it will be bad. Tony has made a bunch of movies with these same directors and the movies are all pretty terrible. The movies with the dialogue and the story and the acting. The action scenes are usually amazing. Ong Bak and Tony’s other movie The Protector have some wild memorable action scenes, but for whatever reason Ong Bak 2 didn’t. The cynic in me believes they kind of blew their wad on the other two movies and need someone else to come in to direct Tony, but who knows.

The Company Men

Ben Affleck, Chris Cooper, Kevin Costner, Tommy Lee Jones, Rosemarie DeWitt, Maria Bello, Craig T. Nelson… so out of the January movie – this might be the good one. It’s about 3 guys who get fired and try to redefine themselves as guys who are now jobless. It sounds ok and at the same time it doesn’t make me want to see it in the least. If it was between renting this ondemand or Tosh.0 reruns, then I would be relaughing at the jokes of ole’ Tosh. But outside of that, I guess I would rent it if my family was forcing movie time on me.

No Strings Attached

Have you ever caught yourself thinking – I want to see something with Ashton Kutcher in it?

Nope. Me neither.

So don’t see this movie.

I never would have guessed that I would think Ashton Kutcher should stay as a behind the scenes type, but of the little enjoyment in my life that Kutcher has given me it has come from things he has produced and not starred in.

But Natalie Portman is in it?

Yeah and she is also in the Star Wars prequels. It doesn’t mean you have to watch those either. I know everyone just started these girl crushes on Portman for Black Swan, but she has been in other great movies and go watch one of those instead of this. Go watch V for Vendetta or Closer.

The Mechanic

I hope Jason Statham pays his taxes because he is well on his way to being the white Wesley Snipes. Actually, I do think that in one way, but in reality I can’t think of 2 good action films Jason Statham has been in and I can think of a lot of good/great Snipes movies.. Ever since Statham got crazy in shape and started spin kicking dudes, he has made the worst movies. The Transporter was good. I’ll say that. The Transporter 2 and 3 are bad, one worse than the other. Death Race is terrible. The Crank movies are in some sense worse than the Holocaust to me because I actually sat through Crank. Now Statham is in The Mechanic where he’ll bring his creepy caller voice and his patented “I spun kick you in the face and my shirt got ripped off at the same time” moves.

Hang in there.

If you watch the trailer for The Mechanic you will learn that a “mechanic” is a hitman. Also, a “transporter” is really code for a “hitman”. Basically if you have a vocationally trained day job and Statham is doing it then he’s a killer.

I’d suggest renting a Wesley Snipes movies instead. In all honesty, Welsey Snipes has a great list of movies and here are a few that will get you through life: Major League, White Men Can’t Jump, Passenger 57, Demolition Man, The Fan, U.S. Marshals, Blade, Blade Trinity and if that is not enough then To Wong Foo Thanks For Anything Julie Newar will cure you of any sickness.

The Rite

Horror movies in January? For fuck’s sake… LEAVE ME ALONE! Anthony Hopkins has no shame. About this time last year, the man was in The Wolfman. You are dead to me Sir Hopkins. DEAD TO ME!

Finally…

I had never heard of this movie until 15 minutes ago, but BAM it is topping my list of something.

Scream of the Banshee

Without further ado, here is its description…

When a college Professor opens up a strange, ornate box discovered in the basement of a University, she and her students hear a horrifying scream belonging to that of a bloodthirsty banshee. They think nothing of it, until that scream begins to haunt all that heard it in strange and surreal ways. According to Irish lore, if you hear a Banshee scream, you will die – which is what starts happening to them one by one, as the creature starts taking their lives…

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

They hear the “bloodthirsty” scream of a “banshee” and “they think nothing of it”. HAHAHAH! Why? Why would you think “nothing” of it? You should seriously think “something” about the bloodthirsty scream of a banshee. You should think something about the happy scream of a banshee let alone a bloodthirsty one. Who hears banshee screams? Especially at “a university”? I have a lot of stories from my college days and none of the begin or end with a bloodthirsty scream of a banshee. “According to Irish lore, if you hear a Banshee scream, you will die” — yeah that lands in the “no shit” category of life. Whoever dies in that movie deserved it. If you think nothing of a banshee screaming and go about your day then you deserve to die.

This movie does have two things for it beside a phenomenal plot:

1. Lauren Holly is in it. When’s the last time you heard that name in a non-ironic sense?

2. This fucking poster…

You’re welcome.

Don’t see any of these movies.

I’ll talk to you Thursday.

Here Is A List, A List Of Things, Things I’m Into

It’s Monday and my brain is still working like it’s Sunday, which to me means it is half asleep and only wants to be fully asleep. I thought that I would make a list of things that I’m getting into… that’s what she said. Things that I’m finding particular interest in and I am actively watching, reading and/or listening to it. I’m not sticking my “Megatron” into its “Bumblebee” if that’s what you were thinking.

1. “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” by Kanye West

I’m in love with this album. I’m on the fence about whether I’m going to write a full review of the album for this site or not because for the most part it will be verbally blowing Mr. West and his sing-a-longs, so maybe that isn’t the best article. Nevertheless, I love this album. Love it. I listen to it with my ears all the time. On any given day right now, I have at least one song off this album running on repeat in my head and I’m glad for it.

2. The Walking Dead

Last night was the season finale of The Walking Dead, which is the zombie apocalypse hour drama on AMC. I’m a big fan of the show and I enjoyed the finale as well. AMC did order a second season of 12 episodes instead of 6, which is great. The creator of the show Frank Darabont made an interesting decision and fired the staff writers for the show and will be using only freelance writers for next season. I’m guessing he knows best, but it is just worrisome to some degree because if you liked something so much you don’t want to hear there are big changes happening to it. Regardless, I really enjoyed the hell out of this first season and highly recommend it to anyone. Just six episodes of zombie survival goodness and even some sex. So, what do you have to lose? So, if you could – find the first episode online and watch it and rinse and repeat with the rest of the season and then you can join our club of zombie TV show fans.

I will say that the season finale was very Lost-like.

3. The Walking Dead comic

Yes, the TV show The Walking Dead is based on a comic book called… The Walking Dead. Instead of going through that horribly time consuming and dollar consuming task of buying the comic book and stuff – there is the internet to save us!

http://twd-comix.info/view/The_Walking_Dead

I just started reading it and I am in preparations to read the whole thing eventually. I’ve stock piled on chocolate milk and granola bars and a .357 Magnum pistol and I have marked off a corner of the room for “waste”, so I’m pretty set.

4. Hack/Slash

More comic books? I know. What a nerd. Pictures? Pfffftttt… who needs words and pictures to be together?! That’s just crazy.

I have heard of Hack/Slash for awhile and really only knew what the general premise was… and of course I knew about this:

 

Yeah, shocking. It’s supposed to be a story of a big ugly hulking guy and this hot emo girl who go around killing … killers. I have seen the artwork like this…

I have seen these pictures around in different places for years because they are particularly alluring. They, of the many “Theys”, have been saying for years that this comic book would be turned into a movie. Recently, people have been talking about that again. I’m not even sure why. I’m not sure if I keep seeing talk about because they are actually going to make it into a movie or that people are like “why the fuck hasn’t this been a movie yet?!”

Because of this, I decided to start reading Hack/Slash. Just looking at the artwork like this…

Sure, that could be a movie. Why not? A lot of people have said Megan Fox should play her … her being “Hack” of the two of “Hack” and the big guy is “Slash”. I can see that visually this could be a movie. Get a hot girl, put her in stripper punk clothes, give her a weapon, and have her fight baddies with lots of gore and occasionally slip in a few scenes of her changing or her clothes getting torn off and there you go. So I get that. But I have read the first 4 issues of Hack/Slash and I’m not sure any of those issues should be a movie. I think you could take these characters, write a new story and make it a movie, but as of right now I haven’t seen them on an adventure that would be good on screen. Right now, the comic book seems to be oscillating between funny or horror.

At the same time, if “they” are going to make a movie about a “Suicide Girl” looking protagonist with a beast as her bodyguard and the two criss cross the country looking to kill serial killers… THEN … just make that. No need to even call it Hack/Slash or whatever. Just make that. It isn’t the most original idea ever.

I’d see it. So that’s $10.

5. I Dump 4 U

http://idump4u.com/

I absolutely love this website. By and large, it is funny. The premise is that someone fills out a form and give this guy a few bucks and he will call and break up with your girl/boy friend for you. This guy is Bradley and Bradley is very funny. Most of the break-ups seem deserved and the result is a funny phone call. Some are not deserved and you feel bad for the person. And some are just sad and cringe worthy. Either way, it is all very good and interesting. My favorite part is Bradley quickly whispering “this phone call is being recorded” right as the person picks up the phone.

Two good breaks ups to listen to to get the ball rolling are:

Gwen dumps Frederick – turns out Frederick is abusive and is just an all around dick. I really love every time Bradley says this douche’s name “Frederick”. As the guy is yelling at him like “listen ‘Frederick'”. It just makes me laugh a hearty chuckle.

Brandon dumps Debbie – It starts off where it sounds like Debbie is a great girl and you feel bad she is getting dumped. Then half way through you realize that she is a religious nut who uses it to get her out of “pleasing” ol’ Brandon, but it is always ok for him to “please” her. Also, you find out that she constantly checks on Brandon and whatever. It’s funny.

Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it can be sad, but it is interesting no matter what.

Outside of that…

I want to see Black Swan, Tron Legacy, and True Grit.

And, of course, world peace. That would be cool to see as well.

And, bikini pictures.

Kristen Stewart Wants IT Tells You What Movies To Like – part 2

Without any training or experience, I think I could be a better manager to troubled celebrities than the people they have now. Maybe not all the celebrities, but I think I could do a much better job than most. Let me choose a random cele-

BEN ROETHLISBERGER!

I don’t know who Large Benjamin Roethlisberger’s manager and/or agent is, but this week he fucked up. Let’s skip all the Ben drunk at bars and maybe sexually assaulting girls while his bodyguards stand outside the door not allowing anyone in or out. Let’s skip that. That is all here say anyway, am I right? Oh I hope I’m right. Anyway, let’s skip that silliness and talk about what happened this week.

AHHHHHHHH!!!! Ben Roethlisberger was on TV with a mullet! What in the fuckity fuck is going on here? Am I going nuts or did this man just get charges dropped for sexual assault and now he has a fucking mullet? On TV!?!

On Friday, the charges were dropped in the pending Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault case. There still may be a civil suit. There still may be an internal punishment handed down by the league (NFL) or the Pittsburgh Steelers franchise on Ben. But the charges were dropped in the criminal case and like all celebrity stories – there needs to be a press conference. On Monday, there was a press conference where Ben could tell the media vague bullshit about putting the past behind us and hoping for a good 2010 professional tackle football season. This is where I can easily do a better job than the manager.

First, why is the press conference in the locker room in front of Ben’s locker? What shitty ass press conference is this? It wasn’t like Ben was coming from or going to practice or a game. Second and most important – WHY THE FUCK WAS BEN ALLOWED IN PUBLIC LOOKING LIKE THAT!?! Aren’t you trying to protect his image? Ben lost some sponsors recently and I’m of the mind that they quit Ben because he had a haircut like a meth dealer and his opinion of dressing up is a fire engine red short sleeve polo shirt. Didn’t you almost go to jail a minute ago?

I would have earned my weight in gold if I was Ben’s manager for this three step process:

1. No mullets
2. Wear a suit
3. Hold the press conference in any room that doesn’t smell like 65 dudes’ sweaty balls

BOOM! He did shave his mullet Monday night because I guess someone looked at him. Besides being able to be a better manager to Ben, I think I could solve most Lindsay Lohan-esque problems with this invention called a “CAB” or it might be known as a “TAXI” or a “RENT A FUCKING CAR AND DRIVER WITH ALL YOUR GD-ING MONEY INSTEAD OF DRUNK DRIVING WITH ONE MILLION PAPARAZZI WATCHING AND TAKING PICTURES, YOU FUCKTARDS!”

Anyway, let’s get back into the Summer movie extravaganza:

May 28^th

Sex and the City 2

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=52674

As you can see, I did not use the Sex and the City 2 poster. I think this picture is much better. Also, in the next paragraph you will learn that this picture will not give you cancer. If anything this picture may cure cancer. It definitely won’t make any cancer worse – I know that. And I’m not saying that Linda Tompkins’ miracle cancer disappearance happened solely because of this picture, but I’m saying like 70-30 it did.

Don’t see this movie. Please don’t. I know that you will. It depresses me so. I will not see Sex and the City 2 exactly how I didn’t see Sex and the City 1 and how I stayed away as much as possible from watching the Sex and the City television show. You know how they say not to drink from plastic water bottles that have been exposed to extreme heat because part of the plastic may have melted into the water and then drinking that water/plastic could lead to cancer. It’s not scientifically proven, but it is a solid hypothesis. Well, that’s how I treat Sex and the City. Sure, maybe if I watch an episode of it or maybe just 20 minutes of the movie or read an episode synopsis or listen to an interview with SJP – I might not die on the spot. But who can say for sure that later that won’t metastasize and I die from cancer? So, I try to avoid it altogether.

Nevertheless, I’m not completely solipsistic and I know people will see this movie. “People” meaning women and gay men and sane-minded boyfriends of either who get guilted into going – so I had to mention the movie and its cancer inducing existence.

I am giving this movie 1 out 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT throwing up heads for two reasons: 1. I like seeing the KSWI throwing up head picture and 2. Kristen Davis is hot.

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=20447

I wrote about this movie for Asylum.com last year. It was an article talking about three videogames and their movie adaptations and how Hollywood is going to fuck them up. Here is the link to the original article and the text from just the bit about this movie:

http://www.asylum.com/2009/07/09/3-video-game-movies-hollywood-is-going-to-f-up/

The game: Focuses on a phenomenally athletic Prince (maybe of Persia) who is tricked by an evil, staff-carrying Indian man into releasing the Sands of Time, thus turning everyone into monsters except for the Prince, the Evil Indian and a hot chick named Farrah. They’re not turned into monsters because, conveniently, the Prince has a magical dagger, the Indian has that magical staff, and Farrah has a magical medallion. The Prince and Farrah team up to reverse what has happened, and in doing so have a great adventure that brings them together emotionally as well as sexually in a bath (yep).

How they will eff it up: In a move not unlike John Wayne playing Genghis Khan, Jake Gyllenhaal will be playing the Prince … of Persia. Judging by the rest of the cast list, modern-day Iranians are completely interchangeable with the English … of England. Look at this load of British actors: Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton, Alfred Molina and Toby Kebbell. It begs the question why even get an American like Jake Gyllen-I can’t-spell-your-name-without-looking-it-up-on-IMDb-haal to play the Prince when you could get Jude Law or Clive Owen or … wait, they’re too busy playing Americans in other movies. Unless Jake was gifted with an unnatural talent for running up walls, then we’ll spend this whole movie watching a body double do all the action. They should just cast the body double as the Prince and save us the trouble.

Not to nit pick, but there has been some footage released from this movie and Jake Gyllen-I-have-the-greatest-six-pack-ever-haal is dressed as the Prince from the game’s sequel, “Prince of Persia: Warrior Within.” Why specifically call the movie “Sands of Time” and then dress him in the style of a different title? Just call the movie “Prince of Persia: We Didn’t Play Any of the Games, But We Liked the Box-Cover Art and You Should Just Be Happy We’re Making a Movie About Any of Them at All, Nerd.”

Also, does anyone else think this movie looks more like “Assassin’s Creed” than “Prince of Persia”?

I am giving this movie 1 out of 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT throwing up heads. I agree with all I said last year. The only thing I would like to mention is that this movie is going to suck and Gemma Arterton is smoking hot. Nevertheless, people will see it – a lot of people.

June 4^th

Get Him to the Greek

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=44399

I actually want to see this movie – FOR GOOD REASONS! I will not see Sex and the City 2 unless I am in a gun to the head situation or going to get head situation – HEY OH! Yeah, unless sexual favors or lots of money or immediate death are involved then I will not see Sex and the City 2. I will end up watching Prince of Persia at some point in my life. There are almost zero actions movies I have not seen. Good or bad, I’ll end up seeing them on TV or rent them on Netflix – the stars will align and it will just happen that I see it. But Get Him to the Greek, I’ll see this movie on complete purpose.

The trailer looks pretty funny. I don’t think this will be as funny as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which most people involved in this movie made that movie, but I think it will be very funny. It will definitely be a wild ride of lunacy, drinking, drugs, rock and roll, and probably a lot of jokes about Russell Brand being a VD ridden, junkie, Brit and Jonah Hill being a fat, nerdy, loser. Play to your strengths, am I right?

I’ll give this 4 out of 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT heads. It will be funny – ‘nuff said.

June 11^th

The A-Team

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=40213

Ahhhh yes! Here is the second film of the year based on a rag tag team of mercenaries who are looking for some revenge. But The A-Team gets props for being the FUCKING A-TEAM! The Losers is a rip-off of The A-Team, much like The Expendables will be a rip-off of The A-Team. Meanwhile The A-Team is a rip-off of … THE A-TEAM! I really like the casting choices of the main four characters. You can never go wrong casting Liam Neeson in any role. NEVER. I think Bradley Cooper fits in quite well as the good looking, but rugged “Faceman” – he is basically Matthew McConaughey with a neutral accent. Sharlto Copley aka “The guy from District 9” is a great topical choice for Murdock and I support it. Lastly, I love Quinton “Rampage” Jackson as a fighter and as a man, so him as B.A. Baracus is perfect to me. As far as the main characters, I think they did a great job filling those roles. Old tough guy, playboy with a gun, tech nerd, black guy with a Mohawk who will kill you with his hands? Yeah, they got that.

Movies usually lie in the director’s hands anyway and I am comfortable with Joe Carnahan. I loved Narc and I really enjoyed Smokin’ Aces for the popcorn explosion flick it was. Also, the producers of the movie are Tony and Ridley Scott, which I’m more than comfortable with their action movie decision making skills.

I’ll give this 4 out of 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT throwing up heads. I think the movie will be fun and entertaining and that’s it. I don’t think it will be something I’ll be rewatching in 10 years, but not many movies are. The Expendables is coming out after the “some vampire” movie, so I will not get a chance to do a full preview on it. Of the three merc movies – The Losers will suck; The A-Team will be all entertainment as far as corny jokes, explosions, flashiness, and tongue-in-cheek everything; The Expendables will probably have the best action as far as grit and blood and murder deaths, but the storyline and acting will be complete cheesy seriousness like the new Rambo. So if you want to see shit see The Losers, if you want to see entertainment see The A-Team, if you want to see serious kills then see The Expendables.

The Karate Kid

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=50421

I’m fully against this movie, solely because of the title. The Karate Kid franchise was already bastardized with The Next Karate Kid. But The Next Karate Kid at least had the decency to make it apparent that this was not in fact The Karate Kid – it was some stupid girl version and yes I have seen it numerous times. Using the title, The Karate Kid is a complete slap in the face to the original The Karate Kid. I do not need to explain why The Karate Kid is on the short list of “greatest movies ever made ever and will be forever and ever”. I literally could write endlessly about The Karate Kid and then the follow-up saga of Daniel LaRusso in The Karate Kid 2 and 3. I would be perfectly fine with another shitty kid’s action movie loosely based-on The Karate Kid that I will eventually see hung-over at some point if they just called it anything, but The Karate Kid. Just call it The Karate Kid: China or The Karate Kid 2000 or The Karate Kid remake that no one wanted or asked for and now forces people to say “the original” The Karate Kid as if “the original” The Karate Kid somehow has to justify itself, which is ridiculous because it is fucking brilliant and people still to this day yell out “Sweep the leg” or “Put him in a body bag” like the good Americans that they are.

Fuck this new The Karate Kid. Zero heads. Just watch the highlight video and go buy or rent or watch the version you already have of The Karate Kid TONIGHT and EVERY NIGHT!

June 18^th

Jonah Hex

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=22612

Um… well… there is no trailer. I had to mention the movie because Megan Fox is in it and Josh Brolin is in it too. I really like Josh Brolin, but to be honest if it was just him in it and not Megan Fox then I wouldn’t have mentioned the movie. I’m guessing this movie will suck. Or if you really like Van Helsing with Hugh Jackman then you’ll probably like it. If you can read between the lines then you can guess I really didn’t like Van Helsing. Nevertheless, it will be similar to that I’m guessing. It will probably be less flashy though because it is dealing with the Confederate Army and Josh Brolin isn’t too flashy. Awww what the hell am I talking about right now? MEGAN FOX IS HOT. I know you all hate to admit that to yourselves, but she is. And that’s why I’m mentioning this movie.

No need to do a review considering there is no trailer to review. MEGAN FOX IS HOT. Get over it, you know I’m right – just look at her with your eyes.

Toy Story 3

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=19252

I honestly cannot remember anything from Toy Story 2. I remember Toy Story really well because it was a movie history changing movie. Great movie, Toy Story. I’m guessing Toy Story 2 was great as well. I think I remember liking it, but it has been years. Anyway, I couldn’t imagine Toy Story 3 being bad. It may be some worn territory at this point, but it is not like kids know the difference. Those little mongrels watch the stupidest stuff and love it. You could probably throw on Toy Story and just tell them it is a sequel to Toy Story and they would buy it. They have no brain power to figure out that what they are watching is what they watched before. That’s why we don’t allow them to make decisions on their own. They’re dumb. That’s right little children – you’re dumb. I’ll have an IQ contest against you all any day of the week. Except the one or two of you that are baby geniuses like in that movie called Baby Geniuses. I’ll battle brain power to brain power against any ordinary idiot kid without a moment’s hesitation. But keep those baby geniuses away from me because they could probably beat me in one of those contests, they creep me out and they make the worst movies of all time.

I’m going to no review this one too. I’m guessing it will be good. So whatever “good” means to you then supplement that with heads of Kristen Stewart wanting IT and throwing up.

June 25^th

Knight and Day

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=55873

I’ll say this right here and right now – this movie will not be terrible. It will be on the positive side of good. It may be only 51% good to 49% bad, but it will be in the “good” column when it is judged by some dead guy who hung out with Jesus back in the day and was then declared a saint of some odd task for no apparent reason all in front of some pearly white gates because Heaven is like a racist elitist country club up in the sky. I have said before that Tom Cruise rarely appears in a bad movie. This will tow that line, but I think he’ll still drop on the “good” side and we all can continue on the status quo that Tom Cruise may be a weirdy off camera, but on camera he gets shit done.

This is not saying much, but I think this movie will be Schindler’s List in comparison to Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I hated that movie and I saw it twice or three times. Ok, four times – it was on cable once and I was drunk. It is going to be campy comedy mixed with some fun spirited gun play. I think Tom can handle that in spades. As annoying as I find Cameron Diaz in a lot of movies, I do like her in others. If she can stay on the positive side of “so annoying I am going to stab someone in the food court after I leave the theater” then the movie will be watchable. Also, James Mangold is a good enough director. He has some good movies and he has some clunkers. I think he’ll do just fine.

I’ll give this 2.5 out of 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT throwing up heads. With 2.5 it is a tie between good and bad, but I’ll give the favor to the champ, T-Cruise.

June 30^th

The Twilight Sage: Eclipse

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=53125

Hmmmm… I’ve heard of it. Well, I think the movie is going to suck when compared to anything that is per say “good” or “average” or “that sucks, but not as much as Twilight movies”. I really can’t see these movies getting good. I wish they did. The jump in goodness that I think was needed between Twilight and New Moon didn’t happen. I think New Moon was better, but by no means better to the point that I could ever watch it again without fear of me blowing up the television it was playing on with a bomb I fashion out of the couch cushions I would be sitting on. The fact that I did not see too much change between those two movies means that the producers are really in charge of the films and not the directors. So, the change in directors will be a marginal change just like before.

Plus, I doubt David Slade is the guy that will all of a sudden make this movie franchise seem respectable. I love Hard Candy and I detest 30 Days of Night. So there’s that. His music videos are fairly hit or miss as well. I like the songs more than I like any of the videos which does not bode well for him Like AFI’s “Girl’s Not Grey” is an excellent song from an excellent album which had a series of excellent videos made for those excellent songs… the video for “Girl’s Not Grey” is just not one of them. The other videos made for that AFI album all stand out as solid videos. The others videos I see him credited for like Muse and System of a Down. I like those songs and could careless about the videos. I’m not saying I have no faith in David Slade making a good movie, but I don’t have a ton and I won’t get my hopes up. Hard Candy could be a one-hit wonder in his career for all we know.

I am sure most of you have tuned out already because I was mean about Twilight. Anyway, I will give this movie a bunch of Kristen Stewart wants IT throwing up heads because I like them and she is in the movie and you’re going to see the movie regardless of what I say. You’ll probably see it a billion fucking times regardless of you liking it or not.

So….

I’m finished.

If You Only See One Movie This Year… Then You Are An Idiot – Go See More Movies

My brain is fuzzy. Not like a light coating of hair, but just out of focus. I’m still adjusting to waking up early and driving to work again. Going to sleep early and not staying up so late I fall asleep on my couch. Being at work is another task altogether. Wearing a suit instead of sweatpants. I’m groggy. My current state: groggy. My emoticon: groggy. I need an emoticon that has not a frown, but the lack of strength to keep his lips straight so gravity pulls them down. Also my eyes are half closed with the perpetual raised left eye brow as if questioning everything my stare drifts to.

It’s not writer’s block I’m feeling. I don’t think I’ve addressed Ms. Kristen Stewart’s teaser trailer for The Runaways. I will put that off until tomorrow. Give me something to “look forward to”. Unless someone suggests a different topic. And not this bullshit like “do a post about Rob!” Christ, I’ve written about him. He’s mentioned in a ton of posts. Maybe I shouldn’t take suggestions from you all. The last time that I did was the Taylor Lautner post. All though it did receive a lot of comments it was all over the place with odd disapproval. Some of you wanted me to cut him to pieces with edges of clever negative adjectives and others wanted me to prepare a metaphorical bubble bath, scented candles and post bath rubdown for him. All weird.

But any reaction is better than no reaction so I guess suggestions are fine. Suggestions with pictures attached as payment are better.

There is one thing that has been gnawing at me recently and it is the movie Leap Year. I’m sure you have all seen the trailers for it. If not then here is a link. I’ll wait.

Ok, I didn’t rewatch the trailer right then. I’m hoping you watched it once or remember watching it some other point. Either way, I’m not going to call them by any character names, but by their actual names because I know those. So we have the lovely Amy Adams as our protagonist. Matthew Goode and Adam Scott play her brunette love interests. I really like Amy Adams. I wish she was in movies I could watch though. I like Adam, I am meh on Matthew and I hate the idea of this movie.

Gathering from the trailer and the TV spots that appear on every TV station I watch, Amy and Adam are an item. They are a couple. They are boyfriend and girlfriend. They are more than friends. We assume they kiss and sticks things into each other that is only appropriate in private, in public if you’re a slut or to be videotaped and then put on the internet for everyone in the universe to see including aliens – the green kind and Mexican alike.

As a male suitor, Adam seems better than average. He’s a good looking guy, he is dressed in a suit which I guess means he has money and a job. Amy and Adam are out to dinner and Adam presents Amy with a jewelry box. Like any typical romantic comedy female protagonist, Amy is expecting marriage around every corner. She thinks that an engagement ring is inside the box. Instead there are simply two expensive ass conflict diamond earrings.

Adam is a big asshole, amirite? Way to go dick. Oh you spent a fortune on your girlfriend for no apparent reason. But it wasn’t exactly what she wanted so you’ve got a big question mark on you right now. I don’t know who you are anymore. You may not be boyfriend material anymore. This whole relationship is in question even though you seem like a perfectly affable fellow and bought your girlfriend really expensive earrings as a token of seemingly your “affection”.

Adam mentions that he has to go to Ireland for business. He isn’t leaving for a year or anything. It seems like he is leaving for a week or maybe two weeks. He’s not moving for a decade or starting a long distance relationship. Adam is just going to Ireland because his job asked him to. He’ll be back. The diamond earring buying handsome boyfriend will be back in tops 14 days. Is that reasonable? Yes. Is Amy Adams reasonable? No.

Instead, Amy Adams digs up some old relic fairy tale about women proposing to their boyfriends on February 29^th “Leap Day” of a “Leap Year” hence the title of the movie “Stupid Bullshit” … errr Leap Year. Being the completely irrational, uptight, “quirky”, love starved, not ground in any form of reality romantic – Amy flies to Ireland!

Once arriving in Ireland, her plan falls to pieces because she is a completely ridiculous crazed woman who has no concrete plans and some bad weather hits causing everything to be a disaster. Amy stumbles into a bar and, of course, the only man in town who can drive her is Matthew Goode. I have a hundred problems with this scenario – here are just a couple:

1. Only guy seemingly of relative age anywhere to Amy Adams. How do towns like this exist? How is there a town that is purely comprised of drunk old men and maybe their drunk old women wives and then one attractive guy in his 30s? That’s it. The whole town is a refuse for the ugly and old and then Matthew Goode is their bar tender. In every other movie like that, he would be a child of a prophecy that uses the town’s golden sword to slay some ghost in a cave who has kept these people under it’s spell for all these years. I guess in this scenario, Matthew Goode is still the prophetic child, but he is using his own golden sword to slay the ghost of monogamous sex in Amy Adams’ “cave”. Her vagina. I’m talking about Matthew Goode’s penis is a “golden” or “relative skin tone color to the rest of his body” “sword” and the “slaying of the cave ghost” is him having vaginal intercourse with Amy Adams destroying the faithful relationship she had built with Adam.

2. Bartenders are never that helpful and if they are then something is wrong. I’ve been to some bars in my days. I’ve met some good bartenders. I’ve met bartenders who actually follow the implied rule of tipping that they buy you a round after you have bought 3 or 4. I have met bartenders who have reopened the kitchen in the bar when it was closed to make food for us the drunken bar patrons. I’ve met bartenders who will call you a cab. I’ve never met a bartender who BECOMES the cab. That’s ridiculous. I can understand a bartender saying “yeah, I’ll take you somewhere” and then it is back to his place for some flesh colored sword penis ghost vagina cave slaying. I get that. Oh, I get that. But no bartender is willing to become the traveling cab driver for some chick out of the goodness of his heart to take her from town to town through the Irish countryside to meet her boyfriend so she can propose to him.

2a. He is a fucking bartender! Glorified beer bottle opener and drink pourer! Come on! He’s not Mother Theresa. She’s dead. And he’s not a she unless that is the third act twist or Mother Theresa was a he and is not dead and is Matthew Goode which is also implausible. Or you believe in reincarnation like a hippie and Mother Theresa’s dead soul came back and dropkicked Matthew Goode’s current soul at the time out of his body and now she has taken over Matthew Goode’s body. Which is just unlikely I think. Why would Mother Theresa pick Matthew Goode in particular?

2b. Any bartender willing to take you from their bar by car and drive you to another town more or less for the hell of it- SERIAL KILLER! You’re dead, lady! You’re a dead lady! He’s going to kill you!

Ok, so Amy Adams and Matthew Goode are now together. Matthew Goode is this grimy, blue collar, rough around the edges (which I know you all want to sand paper down with yo booties), but good looking bearded guy. He is the complete opposite of Adam because of this beard. But at the same time he is “perfect” right? He is so cute with his crass humor that he uses to build a wall around himself never to let anyone in even someone as adorable and sweet as Amy Adams. Awwww… He’s just a big puppy who has taken shelter in a drunk old folk’s community in Ireland because he was probably hurt by some bitch temptress and he just needs a quirky good natured and completely irrational woman who is willing to cheat on her supposed future fiance to help him rediscover love again. Awwww.

So, they’re traveling around Ireland together in his shit car. Trying to find good ole’ Adam. Ireland’s not that big of a country so the time Matthew and Amy are together has to be a few days to a week at best. And if it is a week then what the fuck? Where the hell did Adam’s job send him for work? Of course, Matthew’s “charm” starts to rub off* on Amy. And they end up hooking up.

The final clip in the trailer is Amy and Matthew and Adam are altogether in a room. Adam is down on one knee proposing to Amy and seemingly Matthew is about to propose to Amy as well. Yuck.

Can you fucking believe this shit?

First, Adam was going to propose to Amy after all. So, all the idiocy of Amy Adams’ character is for naught because Adam was going to marry her. So all that conspiracy theorizing was wrong. You’re wrong, Amy Adams! Adam is a good man!

Second, I wish I was there for that moment if this was at all a real moment and not some fictional bad romantic comedy. I would step in right before Adam proposes –

KSWI Jordan (J) – Adam, can I call you Adam?

Adam (A) – Sure. I guess so. Who are you?

J – I may be the guy who saves you from a whole lot of future heart ache, but does give you some heart ache right now is who I am. Adam, this is your girlfriend Amy, right? I’m too assume you think everything is perfectly fine in your relationship with Amy, right? And so fine in fact that you were planning on proposing to her to be your future wife, right?

A – Yes. Yes that is right. Did you say “heart ache”? What “heart-

J –  I’ll get to that. Adam, can you see that bearded gentlemen of comparable age and aesthetic value to yourself over there?

A – Yes. The one who looks a little depressed and almost has tears in his eyes. Yes, I see him. I have never seen that bearded and slightly dirty yet attractive man before in my life.

J – Right. His name is Matthew. Your girl, Amy, fucked Matthew. Or at least they half fucked or quarter fucked. I’m not the best with calculating fractions, reciprocals et al, but they either had sex or came close enough to it that you would be real real real pissed.

A – Is this that “heart ache” you were talking about? Because I’m feeling some heart ache right now.

J – Yeah, this is that “heart ache”. But trust me I’m hear to help. Let me just reiterate what is going on. You, Adam, went to Ireland for a business trip. In doing so, you left your girlfriend for a day by herself. In that day, your crazy girlfriend decided to follow you. Stalker shit aside, in the following day after that she met Matthew. In the couple days after that, she has hooked up with Matthew. And right now, she thinks she is deciding between marrying you or marrying Matthew.  

A – I feel ill. I feel like my insides are a mob of South American revolutionaries trying to commit a coup de tat on the rest of my intestinal tract.

J – Maybe not even marrying Matthew. Maybe just “giving it a go”. Maybe it’s just a “don’t marry that guy so you and I can try out if this works in a dating situation” type of thing. Maybe it’s a “don’t marry that guy so we can try out a casual relationship with sex involved” type of thing.

A – I think I’m going to throw up.

J – So this is what I’m saying. However long you’ve been together with Amy has all been put into question in her mind with about one week of time she has spent with Matthew. All the time, the money, the sex, the presents, the holidays, the family shit, all that was about as concrete to Amy as the past couple days she has spent in the Irish countryside with bearded Matthew over here.

A – *throwing up*

J – Amy is very good looking. I’ll give her that. But you turned your back on her for a minute and she is already doing some other guy and questioning everything she knows about you and the supposed future she at one time thought you two would have together. So my advice to you, Adam, is to find someone else that you can trust. Amy is not trustworthy. Not trustworthy at all. I’m sure with your relative youth, good looks, money, and ability to make a committed monogamous relationship in the eyes of the Lord that you will find another woman comparable to Amy if not much better. Ok?

A – *cleans himself up from the vomit* Fuck you, Amy. He’s right, I’m out. I’m going to find a better chick. Peace. *Adam exits*

J – Matthew, have you been paying attention?

Matthew (M) – I have.

J – I would say you have 1 of 2 options. 1. You can take Amy. Adam has completely left this equation and you can freely take Amy. You can take her, but you will only be the “new Adam”. You too will need to question Amy’s loyalty every time you leave her side for more than a second because she has a wandering eye.

M – Ewww gross. How did I not notice-

J – Not a literal “wandering eye”. She doesn’t have a “lazy eye”. I mean in a journey that she decided to take to propose marriage to her long term boyfriend she ended up sleeping with another man. That’s the type of wandering eye I mean. You need to watch your back. Unless you decide to stay with Amy all the time, day and night, to make sure she doesn’t meet some other guy. Because it didn’t take too much this time. This time she left a successful attractive man who she had been with for seemingly awhile for some muddy going nowhere in life, but handsome bartender. Next time it could be a below average pig farmer.

M – What’s my second option?

J – Leave now. Leave Amy behind and go find another chick. I would suggest you move first. Unless you dig old broads like your great grandmother old. Move to New York City where you can use your looks and Irish brogue to easily seduce at least 80% of girls at any bar who have had at least a drink in them. You’re not in Taye Diggs corollary territory, but you are up there. Or you could go to Hollywood and be horribly miscast in arguably my favorite piece of literature of all time in the movie rendition which was “eh” and never should have been made.

M – I think I’ll go to New York City then.

J – Good choice. Leave Watchmen alone.

M – *runs as fast as his lily white Irish legs can take him*

J – Hey there, Amy Adams. So Red, I hear you’re single. Want to go for a drink?

So, I hate Leap Year. Amy Adams is hot. She was great in Junebug. I haven’t seen Leap Year. But I’m guessing it is terrible. These are generalizations I’m making from the trailer. I doubt I’m too far off base though. Either way, I’m seeing Youth in Revolt this weekend.

Something about Ebert & Roeper, their thumbs and their butts – Part II

Part I was yesterday, Part II today. Real complicated shit.

The Slammin’ Salmon

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=38972

Dear Broken Lizard,

I am a fan of yours. I have bought in. I have drank the Kool-Aid. I have smoked what you have been selling. I have inhaled your airborne pathogens through my nasal cavity (Cavities? Is the term referring to the actual skull hole or the fleshy holes separated by cartilage? I have two nostrils like most, but I am pretty sure it is just one big hole in your skull. Plus I have a deviated septum so I’m probably only breathing in air through one of these fleshy holes anyway. Yep, I’m your internet dream boat alright). Long story very weird, I have seen all your previous works of non-fiction (Super Troopers, Club Dread and Beerfest were all documentaries, right?). I enjoy each one of them thoroughly. I have watched and rewatched each one several times. I have a great deal of anxiety that this The Slammin’ Salmon will suck. There are some parts in the trailer that make me smile and even at times giggle, but for the most part it don’t look good. I really hope that I am wrong about this. Typically trailers for comedies ruin many comedies by showing their best scenes, but Beerfest’s best scene aka “The ZJ scene” was not in the trailer. I pray nightly that there is a scene with relative hilarity as “The ZJ scene” in this movie. Please do not let me or your country down.

I am giving this trailer 2 Kristen Stewarts wants IT heads. The second head is mostly because of all the laughs and fond memories I have of Broken Lizard’s previous movies. I refer to that second head as “nostalgic head”. Not to be confused with “head” you are nostalgic about.   

Crazy Heart

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=46933

Jeff Bridges has quite a varied career with several brilliant movies intertwined in the madness. So has Jeff Daniels. Both men live equally schizophrenic careers of random ass movies with an insanely memorable performance every few years. They have an inexplicable bond of syllables and first names that regardless of whether you ever confuse the two (which don’t lie you have) you will always think of the other when one is mentioned. You know what movie was good? The Big Lebowski. That was a good movie. Jeff Daniels was great in The Squid and the Whale. What? We’re talking about Jeff Bridges. I know, but I just had this urge that I couldn’t stop to mention Jeff Daniels like I was some crazed tourette’s kid howling during the middle of Social Studies class. Weird. This odd occurrence is referred to as the “Bill Paxton/Bill Pullman paradigm”.

This movie looks like it will be pretty good even with the seemingly predictable love storyline. Jeff Bridges is perfect to play a washed up country singer. He looks like a cowboy bar playing country singer so why not make a movie about it. It doesn’t look like it will be nearly as dark as I would want it to be, but I think Bridges will do a good job and make this a more than a watchable film.

I’ll give 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads to this trailer and hope the romancing of Maggie G’s character is a minimum with Jeff Bridges getting whisky drunk at a maximum.

Avatar

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=13245

I’ve talked about this movie already several times I believe. So I’ll jump straight to the decapitated Kristen Stewart heads review.

If/when I see this movie in 3D, I think it will kick so much ass I’ll forget for a moment that I’m wearing the dorkiest fucking plastic disposable 3D glasses to make these blue apes come to life.

Without the 3D, the movie will be good. The action looks pretty badass, but it won’t live up to the hype. I play videogames! I’ve seen this before. It will be fun and colorful and stuff will be blowing up all the time. It might be cool enough to make me forget that this movie has been hyped up for 5 years as being the movie that will change action movies forever, but it won’t. Actually the recent TV spots say that this movie will change how we watch movies forever, which I guess means those stupid glasses. I remember playing Ridge Racer for Sega Genesis with those red square and blue square glasses. The “technology” has gotten better, but you’re still wearing shit glasses aka stupid glasses (not glasses made of shit). So I don’t know what it is changing.

If you haven’t noticed watching movies and talking about them is an insanely large portion of my life, so changing the way I watch movies forever would be a life changing experience for me. I’ll like Avatar, but it won’t change my life.

Fight Club changed my life. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly changed my life. Enter the Dragon changed my life. The Crow changed my life. Swingers changed my life. Rushmore changed my life. No Holds Barred with Hulk Hogan changed my life. I can name a lot of movies that “changed my life”.

Avatar won’t. But I’ll like it anyway.

Did You Hear About The Morgans?

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=49705

Ugh. I would literally kill myself if I had to see this movie. KILL MYSELF! If someone tricked me into seeing this movie – they buy tickets before hand for this movie and another movie that are both starting at a similar approximate time and they get me to walk into the theater with a blind fold on somehow so I don’t see the scrolling electronic marquee thingy…. – I would kill myself in the theater. I would fashion a gun out of popcorn, straws, milk duds and a GUN(!) and I blow a hole through my fucking head and paint my brains all over the stupid people who paid to see this movie because I would rather die than see this fucking movie. Ok? My review…

It gets a special 4 bullet through the brain Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. I’m sorry I had to do this to Kristen Stewart’s angelic wanting it head, but seriously that movie looks awful.

Nine

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=22220

This movie should be huge. I’m hoping it is huge. I like the cast a lot. Daniel Day-Lewis is the man and we all know it. The chicks are all smoking hot in this movie. Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Fergie, and Dame Judi Dench. What? You think Fergie is hot!?! You know what ladies, I’ve had enough of this bitches hatin’ bitches questioning who is or isn’t hot. I’ve seen some pictures of her where her face doesn’t look the best, but she has a phenomenal body always. Fergie is hot. Oh yeah, I said Dame Judi Dench as well, didn’t I? Yeah, that was a joke. I am not attracted to Dame Judi Dench, but I can’t stop myself from writing or saying “Dame Judi Dench”. It’s a drug and I can’t stop my addiction! DAME JUDI DENCH! Also, “Ghost f at One Time Hottest Woman in Hollywood Christmas Past” Sophia Loren is in the movie too.

This movie will be good. I didn’t like Chicago, but I’ll like this. I made a joke the other day calling Nine the “white Dreamgirls”. I thought that was clever and I was proud of myself for that. Heads?

I’ll give this 3 heads. I’m sure I’ll find one or two of the songs a little annoying and there will not be enough of Penelope Cruz naked for my liking either. So I’ll be a little depressed afterwards. But that joke about this being the “white Dreamgirls”

That gets 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads.

The Young Victoria

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=23004

Oh my! How romantic! So much romance. So much romance for everyone. Their clothes? Romantic. The setting? Romantic. The acting? Romantic. The story? Romantic. I feel like a young lady being asked to dance at a ball with a lovely waltz playing and we kick up our heals and dance and dance and the music swells! And it is just so romantic… … … … … … I’m not seeing this movie. Queen Victoria reigned as the Queen of England and Ireland for 64 years! If that wasn’t enough, she was also the First Empress of India from 1876 onward until her death in 1901. And we’re watching a movie about some summer fling she had back in the dizzay? Fair enough. I understand these movies are not for historical importance and are instead for period piece romance importance, but if I have to remind you I am a guy.

I’ll generously give this movie 2 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. The movie visually is pretty stunning so I have to give credit to that. Also Emily Blunt is hot. I was pretty late to the Emily Blunt is hot party. I didn’t see The Devil Wears Prada until it was on HBO. I didn’t think she looked all that hot in the trailers for the movie or at least I was more focused on Anne Hathaway because I already thought she was hot before that movie came out. Nevertheless, I joined the Emily Blunt is hot party with bells on when I saw her in Charlie Wilson’s War. She was only in it for a minute (fortunate rhyme), but she is near nekkid in that one minute and she looks fucking great. I won’t say what happened when I saw The Devil Wears Prada because it will only cause you high pitch squeals of hate instead of love.

Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=44803

Obviously this looks terrible to me. I want to take a drill gun to my brain ala Pie (the Darren Aronofsky movie. I’m not going to search through ‘wingdings’ to find the damn 3.14 symbol) when I see trailers for kid’s movies like this. I’m not going to give this any heads because the movie was clearly not made for me nor my opinion. But I do need to mention that I’m freaked out by the implied sex in this movie.

In this “Squeakuel” the Chipmunks attend high school. WHAT THE FUCK!?! I know, I know. For a minute, let us pretend that that makes any logical sense whatsoever. People have accepted that chipmunks are talking English and communicating with high school students on a similar intellectual level. I will accept this, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept the bestiality idea that Alvin is hitting on the high school chicks and they are seemingly flirting back. That is getting a little fucking crazy. It appears that the writers at some point realized that Alvin cannot have a human female love interest. Avatar won’t change my life, but if I saw Alvin fucking a high school girl that would change my life and maybe end it. I feel the writers came to the same conclusion and decided to add more chipmunks and this time they are female. This does simplify things that Alvin, Simon, and Theodore are not crossing species sexual lines, but instead are just fucking chipmunks. I think I may have just talked myself into seeing this movie now. Chipmunk sex. Who knew?

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=38969

Psyched. I’m fucking psyched. It is sad and all that Heath Ledger died because he was a father and seemingly a good guy and all that. I never met the guy and probably never would have. His acting on the other hand did affect my life. I see a lot of you in the comments section weren’t big fans of Brokeback Mountain. SHAME ON YOU! That movie was great. Really great. Excellent, even. The movie is shot amazingly, the movie was acted amazingly, Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams get topless in the movie and their breasts look amazingly. As for the gay sex? It was one scene and it lasted like 20 seconds at best. The movie was more of a focus on the lonely life of a cowboy and even more lonely life when you are “different” than the others around you. Anyway, it’s a good movie and better acted then any other romantic garbage I see. And seriously, when Heath Ledger visits Jake Gyllenhaal’s house at the end of the movie when he is dead and goes up to his room and smells his shirt…. Tears. I’m comfortable saying it. I’m really comfortable saying it. That was a great scene.

Of course, Heath followed up that with The Dark Knight. If I could explain how much I love The Dark Knight in a sentence it would be: If/when I have children in this life, I may love The Dark Knight more than them. I’m just saying that is a possibility. Even if they were great kids who become millionaires and Nobel Peace Prize winners and so on. I still might love The Dark Knight more than them.

Heath was really hitting his stride in acting. He was finding roles that he could shine in and even more so there seems to be so many roles that he would have been amazing for. He did not get a chance to film all of his scenes in this movie, but I bet the ones he did he is great in. The rest of his scenes, he was replaced by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law. At the very least, this movie is wildly handsome. Also, Terry Gilliam is a great director so I’m psyched.

Definitely 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. There is a joke in here somewhere about “forehead”. I went to school with a guy who remarked that he got “four head” which sounds like “forehead”. He meant he got “head” four times, but it sounded like the girl rubbed his junk all over her forehead. Whatever gets you off, buddy. Cheers.

It’s Complicated

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=47769

So Meryl Streep, hunh? The older she gets the more guys she is sleeping with in movies. The last flick, Mamma Mia, she was banging 3 guys. Right? That’s what that movie/play is about? Streep is doing so many guys she doesn’t know which one is the pappa of her kiddies. I didn’t see it. In this movie Streep is banging Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Why not? So she did downsize from a foursome to an average threesome. That is pragmatism right there. I think you can thank the Obama administration for that. For Meryl Streep wanting less dick, amirite!?! I have no clue what I’m talking about here. I really don’t want to review this movie either. I don’t want to see it. I’ll probably end up seeing it hungover one morning when it is on TNT or TBS either way Ted Turner is to blame. That’s how I saw Something’s Gotta Give. Just laying around on the couch in the fetal position because some hard liquor ran me over like a freight train and I need some comfort in my life like Jack Nicholson doing Diane Keaton. I guess I’m saying that when I’m hungover and verging on the edge of death I’m finally cool with watching senior citizens grope each other like their 16 year olds with some light commercial humor mixed in.

I’ll give it 1.5 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. I like Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep so that is 1 head. There shouldn’t be any singing in it so that is a .5. The rest of the stars were deducted because a lot of the movie seems to be about Alec Baldwin having sex with Streep and his young new wife and that means I will imagine old Alec Baldwin rigorously pounding away, out of breath, but not stopping until he busts a nut or dies of a heart attack. Making Massapequa proud, STRONG ISLAND!

Sherlock Holmes

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=45650

Fuck this movie. Fuck Robert Downey, Jr.

That was to get someone’s attention. I don’t take kindly to people telling me what to do. Unless money is involved.

I love Sherlock Holmes (the character/books). I love Guy Ritchie. I like the cast. But I think I’m going to be disappointed with this movie. More than anything this movie seems like Ritchie and Downey making a new Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Trade in pirates and the high seas for muggy weather, ‘gents and England(!). It looks a little too commercial action/adventurery for me to really love it. Nevertheless it looks fun and it will be enjoyable. I wish it was dark and more like the books, but what can you do? At least it isn’t Swept Away. Also Rachel McAdams is smoking hot. Someone did mention already the lingerie and that does look great.

I will see this in the theaters and I am excited to see it, but from all the early reviews and from the trailers I’ve seen I don’t think I am at all wrong in assuming this is anymore than what I said previously in this paragraph like 4 sentences ago about the Pirates of the Caribbean. I am not a fan of those movies. I thought the first one was pretty fun when I was watching it in the theaters. Afterwards, I thought it was pretty meh. The second one I like a lot more. The action was better and made a ton more sense. Why are the skeleton’s in the first one even blocking any of the bullets or swords? They’re immortal! They should walk every human down and then choke them to death with their hands. No need for fancy sword play. The third was horrendous.  

I’ll give this 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. The movie will entertain, but I will want more. More from Guy Ritchie. More of Rachel McAdams in lingerie or less.

And finally…

A Single Man

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=50095

I left this movie last on purpose. All the other movies should be in chronological order of their release dates here in AMERICA(!). I intentionally left this to the end because I wanted to beg you, implore you, request you to watch this trailer. If you don’t watch any of the trailers for any of the other movies then you are lazy, but I am fine with it. You must watch this trailer though. Some might say then I should have put this trailer first, but I would be running the risk of you giving up on the rest of these posts if that were the case. This trailer in a word:

 

INTRIGUING

 

This trailer is the most fucking intriguing trailer I have ever watched ever. The music, the style, the switching between fantastical to reality, the sexiness, the tension, the INTRIGUE! Oh my Jesus is it intriguing! Oh my Moses and Abraham! It is like eating a 9 layer cake of intriguing. It is a thick gravy of intriguing soaking up in your potatoes, turkey, stuffing and biscuits and with every bite you get more intriguing. If Kristen Stewart’s want was “intriguing” instead of “want” then this movie would be Kristen Stewart. Think about that. Isn’t that intriguing!?!

I was intrigued so much watching this movie I felt like I was tunneling downward under a mountain of intriguing. With every handful of intriguing I shoveled away from the Earth I was getting closer to the intriguing, but also the intriguing was covering me. I had intriguing under my fingernails and intriguing on my legs and arms. I wipe the sweat from my brow from all this digging and I would leave smear marks of intriguing on my face. Soon I have broken through all this intriguing and I crawl inside this tunnel I have made inside this mountain of intriguing. I am now enveloped by the intriguing. I thought I couldn’t be anymore intrigued. At that point, I felt like I have had my fill and should leave this intriguing. And then…

Colin Firth is staring at the blonde kid like he wants to do his mouth and I’M INTRIGUED AGAIN! What in the fuck is this movie about!?! I have no idea, but I’m thoroughly intrigued!

I have to give this movie 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads for how intrigued I am by it. At the same time, I honestly think there is a 50/50 shot at me not liking the movie. How on Earth could it possibly live up to how intriguing the trailer is? Either way, the trailer worked and now I want to see it. Or I just want to watch the trailer over and over and over again.

Thanks for reading……

I hope this helps…..

I’m fading….

3400+ words…

I’m tired..

Kristen Stewart wants it.