It Is Official – Dakota Fanning Is Now Legal In Georgia

Happy Birthday Dakota Fanning!

Today is Dakota Fanning’s “sweet” sixteen birthday which means that she now can… be sixteen? She’s a rich celebrity who probably can do whatever she wants anyway. Seriously, who is going to stop Dakota Fanning from doing anything? If a cop saw Dakota Fanning buying a bottle of gin, that cop wouldn’t stop Dakota. It’s Dakota Fanning! She’s not going to be irresponsible with that bottle of gin. She’ll probably just take it home with her and sip on a modestly poured cocktail in a 1950’s highball glass while reading the latest scripts. She’s a career woman. The cop would probably give her a tip of his hat and say, “I loved you in Man on Fire. That last scene on the bridge had me in tears.” And he wouldn’t be lying either because we were all in tears during that seen. CREASY!!!!!

Either way – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dakota!

In my effort to memorize the Internet Movie Database, I went to Dakota Fanning’s page the other day and clicked on the “mini-bio/trivia” section. It was filled with some really random information and some interesting information. In today’s post we will all learn about said trivia and, obviously, my “unique” take on that trivia. But, first, I will say this – I am a fan of Dakota Fanning. And not just because of this damn Runaways movie. I have not seen many movies that Dakota Fanning is in – I Am Sam, Uptown Girls (I had HBO and I was in college with a lot of free time), Man on Fire, War of the Worlds, and New Moon – but she is great in the ones I have seen.

Also, her younger sister, Elle, is great as well. Usually (read: almost every fucking time), there is a kid actor in a movie and THEY SUCK! But these two, Elle and Dakota, are actually great. I can only think of like 5 kid actors I don’t hate in movies and two of them are these sisters. And they both have worked with Denzel Washington! Excellent work, Joy and Steven Fanning. I’m not sure what you are doing in Conyers, Georgia to raise kids who act well, but don’t stop now! Have you seen the garbage kid actors in every other movie? Go have another kid. Have a ton more. Start taking hormone therapy medication and have octoplets of little Meryl Streep’s and Marlon Brando’s.

If I was a film studio executive, I would make the Fanning’s have more children. And/or I would have had Elle and Dakota working sweat shop hours to have them portray all the children in all the movies. Just think – Little Anakin Skywalker? Dakota Fanning with a buzz cut. Just think how much better that movie would have been!?! … and Jar Jar Binks gets shot in his stupid head 10 seconds after we meet him to a standing ovation of applause.

Anyway – it’s triiiiivia time, it’s triiiiiivia time, it’s t-r-i-v-i-a triiiiivia time, it ain’t no ooooother time, it actually is 10:21 am tiiiiime, but that just is a moment in tiiiiiiime during the triiiiiiivia tiiiiiiime, I’ve lost my miiiiiind, not because of triiivia time, don’t blame triiiivia time, because it’s triiiiivia time.

Learned to read at age 2.

I guess this is fast or completely on target. I have no clue. It sounds fast though. I wasn’t necessarily a “stupid” kid, but as far as I know my reading and speaking skills were the worst when I was that age. I had 5 words that I called everything and didn’t deviate from that for a few years. Also, I went to a kindergarten where the most advanced activities we took part in were “finger painting” or “stacking blocks”. It doesn’t seem to have affected me too much in the long run. So stop bragging, Dakota! Jeez! Ok, great, you were the quarterback in High School, but you’re 52 now, a drunk and a bad custodian. Not even a good custodian, but a bad one. Make something of yourself!

When she received the Best Young Actor/Actress award from the Broadcast Film Critics Association for her performance in I Am Sam (2001), she was too short to reach the microphone to give her acceptance speech. Presenter Orlando Bloom held her up to the mike for the duration of her speech, which turned out to be quite long.

There is a lot of repetition on this page, which is not surprising because she is 16! She was 15 like 20 seconds ago, so how much “trivia” could there really be? It was a cute moment, but they keep making a point that Bloom had to hold her up for so long. Shut up, Bloom! Pfffft, Orlando!?! She was 7. He was holding up a 7 year old girl for like 90 seconds. Big deal. If Orlando Bloom held up Kathy Bates today for 90 seconds then I would be impressed.

Began her acting career at 5 when she was picked for a Tide commercial.

At 5, I was pretending sticks were laser guns in my backyard with or without friends.

Her father named her Dakota, her mother named her Hannah. She then was named Hannah Dakota Fanning.

This is also brought up a few times. It really isn’t as great of a story as IMDB thinks it is. Where’s the drama!?! He wanted this, she wanted this and they compromised perfectly. Fuck you, IMDB. How about Stephen wanted Dakota and Joy wanted Hannah, so they each chose a single action Colt pistol and prepared for a gun battle to the death at dawn. But on the eve of the duel, a priestess under a full moon came to them in their Georgian home. Dressed in the blood of her elders she cried…

Her favorite films include Gone with the Wind (1939), Titanic (1997) and Steel Magnolias (1989).

I guess. She is a girl after all. And a young one at that. Titanic? Really? You worked with Steven Spielberg! How about Empire of the Sun? Or The Color Purple? I know this will hit a nerve with some of you, but I’m glad she didn’t say Pretty Woman. Oh my idolatry! I do not like that movie. She’s a prostitute! “Richard Gere is such a wonderful man”. Really? Really!?! He is a man who pays for sex. Why is it a problem when I pay for sex, but not when he does? It’s just hypocritical. And why is that girls never want to meet my prostitute friends? But you loved Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! Either love the movie and be cool with me and my prostitutes or don’t like the movie and actually have a leg to stand on when you yell at me about spending all my free time with prostitutes. One or the other!

Collects dolls.

Yeah, no shit. She is a kid.

Loves to knit and has knitted scarfs for Tom Cruise, Robert De Niro, Denzel Washington, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg and Tim Robbins.

Listen up, IMDB – it is “scarves” not “scarfs”. One day, IMDB, when I stab you in your internet eye because you gave me false hope about an On the Road movie directed by Walter Salles it will be with “knives” and not “knifes”.

For the ‘sad’ scenes in I Am Sam (2001), she thought of her pet goldfish, Flounder, dying.

That is amazing stuff. Have you seen I Am Sam? Phenomenal. If I was an actor and they asked me to cry on camera, I would think about Dakota Fanning crying in I Am Sam while she is thinking about “Flounder”. That movie is so sad and beautiful. I have only seen it once because I’m never like “Hey Jordan, do you want to cry forever today?” And I know girls do have those moments and that is why there is a MAN as President always. Can’t have POTUS curled up on the sofa watching Fried Green Tomatoes with a quart of Haagen Dazs just because she feels like having a “good cry”.

Carries a book of baby names with her wherever she goes.

Errrr… I hope this is old trivia and not something she still does. Dakota is pretty, famous, rich and successful, but a book of baby names in her back pocket will scare away 99% of any guys who try to ask her out. And the 1% are old blind gay men. Because even a sighted gay guy would run and a blind straight guy would at least sense it. But life is too tough for an old blind gay guy for him to give up on any opportunity for love even with a baby name book its backpocket.

On her eleventh birthday,Tom Cruise gave her a cell phone.

And…

During filming of War of the Worlds (2005), Tom Cruise gave her an iPod.

Jeez, Tom. Stalk much? HAHAHAHAHAHAh… hahah… whooo… hmmm

Actually, this is a reoccurring theme in the trivia section – “shit people gave to Dakota”. Or at least that is what I’m calling it. “Shit” meaning “presents” because I know you commenters love the curse words. Maybe it should be “motherfucking fuck shit fuck presents fucking given to Ms. Dakota Fanning by fucking shit fuck exceedingly famous male motherfucking celebrities she worked with in a fuckity fucking fuck shit fucking movie”. And it is “Ms.” because she is 16 and a lady.

Back to the presents, Tom gave her a cell phone and an iPod. Not bad, Tom. Generally, I would say giving an 11 year old a cell phone is a bit ridiculous, but this is Dakota Fanning after all. The chick is making Hollywood power moves and not just calling her Middle School friends to talk Gossip Girl. And an iPod is a great gift. It is easy to use, even if you have a first generation iPod it is still a great item, they’re ergonomic. Also, I like Tom Cruise. I went through his filmography with Dawgz the other day. We concluded that 80% of the movies he has been in have been at least “good”. Most actors were not even topping 50%. And in that 80% of “good” there are flat out amazing films, a bunch of them. So Tom does no wrong in my book. Oh he jumped on a couch? Fuck you. The dude made Top Gun. Grow up already.

On her 10th birthday, Robert De Niro gave her a doll that looked like Dakota’s character in Hide and Seek (2005), with the brown hair and blue eyes.

Pretty good gift. For Dakota this gift seems to be perfect. She collects dolls, it is a doll of her, she was fucking 10 years old. And you know that De Niro didn’t cheap out on the doll. He probably paid a lot for the doll to be made. Good thread or cotton or double stitch or something. So good job, Bobby D. But maybe IMDB is not telling us the whole story. Maybe Mr. De Niro has a doll made for every opposite lead in whatever movie he is making on their birthday. Now that would be a fucking creep show and a half! I would have paid to see Robert De Niro presenting a doll he had made of Wesley Snipes to him on the set of The Fan. Also, I now want a Wesley Snipes doll. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DE NIRO!

After filming Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story (2005), Kurt Russell, who plays her father, bought her a palomino horse, whom she named Goldie. Goldie lives on a ranch near Dakota’s home where she can visit him often.

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM! A fucking horse!?! A fucking real horse!?! Wow, Kurt Russell is the KING of present giving. Seriously, he makes Tom Cruise and Robert De Niro look like chumps. A fucking phone? An iPod? I currently have an iPhone which does both of those things and it cost less than $100. A doll? A doll that Dakota can’t even play with and she will most likely grow out of collecting dolls. But a damn horse? Wow. Just wow. Kurt Russell, folks. I always wanted to befriend Kurt Russell before – Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Overboard, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Captain Ron, Tombstone, Stargate, married Goldie Hawn and raised Kate Hudson, had a kick ass mullet for like ever – but now I need to invite him to a birthday party of mine stat. Maybe he’ll buy me a Wesley Snipes doll.

Is the youngest member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences (she joined in 2006).

This may explain why the “Academy” never nominates the right movies to be best picture. She was 12. Fucking 12. She wasn’t even old enough to see a stupid PG-13 movie by herself and she is deciding what is the “best picture” of the year. Come on. Currently, it is still illegal for her to purchase a ticket to see a Rated-R film because she is SIXTEEN! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dakota. I lost my temper there. It’s not your fault. The Academy has sucked for…*thinking*…. however long the Academy has been around for I guess. Dakota, as long as you thought The Dark Knight should have been at least nominated for Best Picture then we can be friends again.

Speaking of the greatest movie of all time, I would have given The Dark Knight every award last year. I would have literally just written “The Dark Knight” in every category regardless of what that category was.

Best Picture: The Dark Knight

Best Actress: The Dark Knight

Best Documentary: The Dark Knight

Best Foreign Film: THE DARK KNIGHT YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! IT SHOULD WIN EVERY STUPID AWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congressional Medal of Honor: The Dark Knight

NBA Defensive Player of the Year: The Dark Knight

Maxim’s Top 100 Hottest Female Celebrities: THE DARK KNIGHT

AVN – Best Gangbang Scene Featuring Anal – THE DARK KNIGHT!!!!!

Was ranked #9 in E’s most cutest child stars all grown-up even if she still is a child.(2005)

Ummmm… Excuse me “E”, but I think Chris Hansen has something to talk to you about. Am I right? She was 11. “All grown-up”? Who is in charge of making those lists, “historical reference from the 1600’s”? Also, is it weird that I’m more disgusted at “most cutest” than I am that they chose an 11 year old as an “all grown-up”. Most cutest? I guarantee you if I applied for a job at “E” I wouldn’t get hired, but “most cutest” has a job there. This world is fucking unfair.

I won’t lie to you, #9!?! Who is most cutester than Dakota?

Her first word was “Momo,” which was the family cat’s name.

My first words were “ball” and “truck”.

For her, the hardest thing at the end of a movie is saying goodbye to the cast.

Awwwwwwwwwww…. Because she is a kid!

Hadn’t read all the books from the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer before she was cast in New Moon (2009) but she wanted to do it, because she loved the cast, and the movie.

Dakota, let me save you some time and say “don’t read the books”. I’ll just tell you how they end and save you the trouble – in the end THEY SUCK. That’s the end. Or I could rewrite that as “in the end THE BOOKS ARE A WASTE OF YOUR TIME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN READING ANY OTHER BOOK THAT WAS BETTER.”

While filming Push (2009) in Hong Kong, she wasn’t recognized.

Come on. Not once? Step up your game HK-China. Seriously, she was in Man on Fire – that movie was the illest.

And finally, a quote from Dakota Fanning regarding being an actress:

“I’ve always wanted to be an actress, ever since I was a little girl. I’ve always played the mom and I play my sister as the daughter. I wanted to be an actress on television and movies instead of just around the house.”

Some people wait their whole lives to achieve their dream. Some people like Dakota Fanning waited 5 years… when she turned 5! Or let’s really figure this out. She started reading at 2 years old. And let’s say there was a wayward year after that when Dakota was thinking about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. What are we at now? 2+1 = 3! Between the ages of 3 years old and 5 years old, Dakota Fanning was not achieving her dream and since then SHE HAS!

Fuck, I am depressed.

Happy Birthday, Dakota Fanning.