The Runaways vs. Clash of the Titans

Clash of the Runaways

The Runaway Titans

The Ruclawashys of the TITANAWAYS!

Besides rubbing elbows, and some other body parts AM I RIGHT!?!, with crazy homeless alien jazz musicians and drunk chicks with potty mouths this weekend – I viewed two films with both my EYES and EARS! Las peliculas son The Runaways y Clash of the Titans!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AND THEY WERE MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!! THE COMPETITION!!! THE EMOTION!!! THE SWORD FIGHTS!!! THE MYTHICAL BEASTS!!! THE YOUNG GIRLS WITHOUT MUCH CLOTHES!!!! AHHH!!!!!

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My inner-monologue right now is going crazy. This potent cocktail mix is one part large iced coffee that I chugged, one part annoying conversation from co-morkers, and one part “AGGRESSIVE THURSDAY”! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! SHUT UP CO-MORKERS!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I’m using my hands to create a golden spire of comedy out of this malleable blank word document page!!! SHUT!!! UP!!!

To be transparent for a moment — it is 9:53 am. I will not be able to write until this FUCKING CONVERSATION ENDS!!!! It is 9:56 am and I’m back. I feel like I can’t breathe when someone is having a conversation that I can’t stand. Probably because if I allowed myself to breathe I would yell, “THIS IS THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER! ISN’T THERE A BORING CONFERENCE ROOM YOU COULD HAVE YOUR COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY BORING CONVERSATION IN!?!”

I did see The Runaways and Clash of the Titans. They were not magnificent. That was a little hyperbolic. They were both entertaining and I’m glad I saw them. Today, I will set your intrigue level even higher by drawing the vivid parallels between both films. But if you are looking for the short answer on whether you should see these movies or not given the opportunity: yes, you should see them.

Little bit longer answer: if you do want to see these two movies already then you should see them. If you have wild expectations for these movies like they will redefine what you know as truth, morality and justice then don’t see these movies. Never see those movies. Your expectations for a movie need to be comparable to what the actual movie is. Don’t expect Clash of the Titans to give you a good Forrest Gump-everything-in-the-world-is-beautiful-even-when-it-is-simplisitc-and-sad-and-we-all-should-love-each-other-with-the-small-amount-of-time-we-have cry, because that will not happen. You should see Clash of the Titans if you want to see a giant sea monster. That’s about it. If you are not into seeing a giant sea monster then DON’T FUCKING SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!! So, if you have a sane set of expectations for these two movies and you still want to see them then go see them.

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A lot longer answer: Kristen Stewart kisses Dakota Fanning!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!! Kristen also kisses some other chick just for the hell of it. Seriously, that does happen. Both movies are quite entertaining and both have some “remarkable” “similarities”. I’m not saying that the Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning all girl rock and roll 80’s movie is the exact same movie as Sam Worthington’s war against the Greek Gods movie. But what I’m presupposing is – what if they are?

Exhibit A: Bad News Bears

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The Runaways and Clash of the Titans are focused around the journey of two groups of misfits taking on an insurmountable opposition. In The Runaways, our merry band of hot teen chick actors play a merry band of hot teen chick musicians – pretty good, right? Their mission is to form the first ever successful all girl rock and roll band. There is Dakota Fanning as the platinum blonde bombshell lead singer. Kristen Stewart is the oil black guitarist with mystique and throaty vocals. Stella Maeve is the sun kissed beach bodied drummer. Scout Taylor-Compton is the slick soloing guitarist who has boobs. And Alia Shawkat is the bassist who also has boobs.

The breakdown of the movie is pretty much Dakota, Kristen, Michael Shannon as the band manager (I’ll talk about him later). The actor with the fourth most screen time is probably Riley Keough who plays Dakota’s older sister- she is excellent looking as well. The rest of The Runaways have little to do besides look like attractive young ladies who play instruments. Stella Maeve has a few lines early on, but disappears as the movie continues. Scout Taylor-Compton has a couple lines, which feel like they are only in there so the other characters can respond, “Shut up, Lita Ford” just so they can remind people Lita Ford was also in The Runaways. And lastly, Alia Shawkat from Arrested Development fame is funnily enough playing a fictional character named “Robin” since the real bassist, Jackie Fox, I guess wouldn’t sign off on this movie. I honestly don’t remember hearing Alia say anything in the movie. So Stella, Scout and Alia are background eye candy for the most part.

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Clash of the Titans also features a merry band of merry bandsmen who appear to be polar opposites on the surface, but really they all are big softies who kiss and hug and read each other bedtime stories. FAGS! Just joking. Sam Worthington is the EM-EFF-ING M-A-N in blockbuster action movies right now. You may recall Sam was in Terminator: Salvation, Avatar and, now, Clash of the Titans. I enjoyed all three of these movies. I think Terminator is my favorite of the three. I know a lot of people did not like that movie, but a lot of people are fucking stupid and those two categories overlap nicely. I think Clash of the Titans has more replay value than Avatar since a lot of Avatar is based around “surprise” and “revelation”. It is supposed to be mystifying the first time you see “Pandora” or the “Na’vi” et cetera and this becomes less mystifying with additional viewings or I’m guessing it will – I really don’t care if I ever see Avatar again and I enjoyed it.

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Sam plays balls confidence and furiously angry Perseus. Sam is the front man of this group of vengeful marauders and Dakota is the front woman for The Runaways. So, Sam is Dakota. And Dakota was in a movie called I Am Sam. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! THE UNIVERSE IS IMPLODING!!!!! Sam’s second in command is his no nonsense and conservative voice of reason Mads Mikkelsen aka Draco. Mads is fine as the straight talk express right hand man, but for the ladies they kind of lose out. Mads is a handsome man (voted best looking Dane, I believe) and in this movie he looks like he attends every Phish concert ever. Anyway, Sam and Mads are accompanied by several other men in leather skirts, sweaty muscles and sharp edged weapons. Very similar to The Runaways, most of these guys do not have many lines. They are pretty much just standing around or randomly swinging a sword as eye candy. Especially this sexy ass motherfucker:

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Exhibit B: Grumpy Old Men

Besides scantily clad females — OH MY FUCKING GOD! THESE CO-MORKERS ARE TALKING AGAIN!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!! WHY CAN’T THEY JUST NOT TALK!?! — They stopped. Where was I? Oh right, “scantily clad females”. This movie is more or less Dakota Fanning’s sexual coming out party. She parades around in almost nothing for a lot of the movie. She also engages in sex and so forth. She does a great job with all of it considering this Cherie Currie character is completely different than anything else she has played. Nevertheless, the one actor who steals all scenes he is in is Michael Shannon as band manager Kim Fowley.

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Michael Shannon really kills it in pretty much every scene he is in. This “exhibit” title is a little deceiving because Michael is only 36 years old, but in comparison to his jailbait co-stars he is ancient. Shannon plays Fowley as a  angry, sexual, near violent, manipulative and at the same time oddly intellectually nurturing band manager. There are several reoccurring band practice scenes where Shannon as Fowley gets a chance to really show off with an over-the-top, but in your face performance each time. Ostensibly, he is a very opinionated, aggressive and colorful man who is 20 years older than these recently lost their innocence teen girls who want to play in a band together. He is barking at them to be sexier, to be tougher, to think with their cocks. They are definitely crowd pleasing scenes. And at the same time, Shannon is the constant throughout the movie. He has seen the lure of rock and roll life before where as Kristen, Dakota and the rest of the girls have not. He is the constant ushering us through.

The “grumpy old men” who do the same for Clash of the Titans are Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. At 57 and 47 respectively, neither is “50 over 60 list” old, but slap on an unnecessarily long beard and wig and they certainly look the part. Liam Neeson plays Zeus and Ralph Fiennes plays Hades. Fowley in The Runaways is part older good guy and part older bad guy, Zeus and Hades are that together. It seems like nowadays if Fiennes is in a movie then he is the archetypal epitome of evil incarnate and that doesn’t change much in this movie. Hades is the bad guy. He is the mastermind of the whole ordeal. If you think this is a spoiler than you’re an idiot – LOOK AT THE GUY!

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All in black, his voice is decrepit, he has a hunchback and he shoots fire! These are generally all bad guy territory. Lord of the Underworld? That usually does not appear on the resume of your “hero”. Zeus, on the other hand, is a little more complex. He is good, but is swayed to do bad things. Hey, nobody is perfect – even the most powerful God in the world. Both Fiennes and Neeson give very dramatic and almost Broadway stage style performances. They’re pretty cheesy and magnanimous, but how else would you expect “Gods” to act. “Hey there Zeus, it’s Apollo. I just wanted to see if you wanted to watch last night’s Gossip Girl? I DVRed it. It’s kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. So give me a ring back on my cell phone when you get this. Or you can text me. I, the Sun God Apollo, love texting. Latez!”

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Zeus doesn’t know how to text! He only knows how to make proclamations! And, shoot lightning bolts and be a God and stuff.

Finally…

Exhibit C: Godzilla ; Jaws ; King Kong ; Snakes on a Plane

Let’s stop bullshitting around for a minute. Everyone is seeing each of these movies respectively for one thing:

UNLIMITED POWER!!!!

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For Clash of the Titans it is the KRAKEN!!

For The Runways it is the WANT!!

People go see monster movies for the fucking monster. You watch Jaws to see the damn shark. You watch Godzilla to see GODZILLA! You watch Snakes on a Plane because it the greatest waste of time EVER! I like Jack Black a lot. I like Naomi Watts a lot. There are times when I like Adrian Brody. But I saw that movie because motherfucking KING KONG was in it. King Kong, bitches! And that is the same logic for these two movies.

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The Kraken is an unstoppable hellish creation of size, weight, teeth, tentacles, and destruction whose power is so great it scares the Gods shitless.

The Want is an unstoppable, unflinching, unblinking, never ending, boner creating, orgasm delivering, sex flush painting, heavy breathed fuck whisper deep in your … ear drum that owns all of your souls and you love it.

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So if you get tired of the early summer heat this weekend then go see these movies.

And the Want would fuck the Kraken rotten – if you were wondering.

Happy Birthday Dakota Fanning!

Today is Dakota Fanning’s “sweet” sixteen birthday which means that she now can… be sixteen? She’s a rich celebrity who probably can do whatever she wants anyway. Seriously, who is going to stop Dakota Fanning from doing anything? If a cop saw Dakota Fanning buying a bottle of gin, that cop wouldn’t stop Dakota. It’s Dakota Fanning! She’s not going to be irresponsible with that bottle of gin. She’ll probably just take it home with her and sip on a modestly poured cocktail in a 1950’s highball glass while reading the latest scripts. She’s a career woman. The cop would probably give her a tip of his hat and say, “I loved you in Man on Fire. That last scene on the bridge had me in tears.” And he wouldn’t be lying either because we were all in tears during that seen. CREASY!!!!!

Either way – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dakota!

In my effort to memorize the Internet Movie Database, I went to Dakota Fanning’s page the other day and clicked on the “mini-bio/trivia” section. It was filled with some really random information and some interesting information. In today’s post we will all learn about said trivia and, obviously, my “unique” take on that trivia. But, first, I will say this – I am a fan of Dakota Fanning. And not just because of this damn Runaways movie. I have not seen many movies that Dakota Fanning is in – I Am Sam, Uptown Girls (I had HBO and I was in college with a lot of free time), Man on Fire, War of the Worlds, and New Moon – but she is great in the ones I have seen.

Also, her younger sister, Elle, is great as well. Usually (read: almost every fucking time), there is a kid actor in a movie and THEY SUCK! But these two, Elle and Dakota, are actually great. I can only think of like 5 kid actors I don’t hate in movies and two of them are these sisters. And they both have worked with Denzel Washington! Excellent work, Joy and Steven Fanning. I’m not sure what you are doing in Conyers, Georgia to raise kids who act well, but don’t stop now! Have you seen the garbage kid actors in every other movie? Go have another kid. Have a ton more. Start taking hormone therapy medication and have octoplets of little Meryl Streep’s and Marlon Brando’s.

If I was a film studio executive, I would make the Fanning’s have more children. And/or I would have had Elle and Dakota working sweat shop hours to have them portray all the children in all the movies. Just think – Little Anakin Skywalker? Dakota Fanning with a buzz cut. Just think how much better that movie would have been!?! … and Jar Jar Binks gets shot in his stupid head 10 seconds after we meet him to a standing ovation of applause.

Anyway – it’s triiiiivia time, it’s triiiiiivia time, it’s t-r-i-v-i-a triiiiivia time, it ain’t no ooooother time, it actually is 10:21 am tiiiiime, but that just is a moment in tiiiiiiime during the triiiiiiivia tiiiiiiime, I’ve lost my miiiiiind, not because of triiivia time, don’t blame triiiivia time, because it’s triiiiivia time.

Learned to read at age 2.

I guess this is fast or completely on target. I have no clue. It sounds fast though. I wasn’t necessarily a “stupid” kid, but as far as I know my reading and speaking skills were the worst when I was that age. I had 5 words that I called everything and didn’t deviate from that for a few years. Also, I went to a kindergarten where the most advanced activities we took part in were “finger painting” or “stacking blocks”. It doesn’t seem to have affected me too much in the long run. So stop bragging, Dakota! Jeez! Ok, great, you were the quarterback in High School, but you’re 52 now, a drunk and a bad custodian. Not even a good custodian, but a bad one. Make something of yourself!

When she received the Best Young Actor/Actress award from the Broadcast Film Critics Association for her performance in I Am Sam (2001), she was too short to reach the microphone to give her acceptance speech. Presenter Orlando Bloom held her up to the mike for the duration of her speech, which turned out to be quite long.

There is a lot of repetition on this page, which is not surprising because she is 16! She was 15 like 20 seconds ago, so how much “trivia” could there really be? It was a cute moment, but they keep making a point that Bloom had to hold her up for so long. Shut up, Bloom! Pfffft, Orlando!?! She was 7. He was holding up a 7 year old girl for like 90 seconds. Big deal. If Orlando Bloom held up Kathy Bates today for 90 seconds then I would be impressed.

Began her acting career at 5 when she was picked for a Tide commercial.

At 5, I was pretending sticks were laser guns in my backyard with or without friends.

Her father named her Dakota, her mother named her Hannah. She then was named Hannah Dakota Fanning.

This is also brought up a few times. It really isn’t as great of a story as IMDB thinks it is. Where’s the drama!?! He wanted this, she wanted this and they compromised perfectly. Fuck you, IMDB. How about Stephen wanted Dakota and Joy wanted Hannah, so they each chose a single action Colt pistol and prepared for a gun battle to the death at dawn. But on the eve of the duel, a priestess under a full moon came to them in their Georgian home. Dressed in the blood of her elders she cried…

Her favorite films include Gone with the Wind (1939), Titanic (1997) and Steel Magnolias (1989).

I guess. She is a girl after all. And a young one at that. Titanic? Really? You worked with Steven Spielberg! How about Empire of the Sun? Or The Color Purple? I know this will hit a nerve with some of you, but I’m glad she didn’t say Pretty Woman. Oh my idolatry! I do not like that movie. She’s a prostitute! “Richard Gere is such a wonderful man”. Really? Really!?! He is a man who pays for sex. Why is it a problem when I pay for sex, but not when he does? It’s just hypocritical. And why is that girls never want to meet my prostitute friends? But you loved Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! Either love the movie and be cool with me and my prostitutes or don’t like the movie and actually have a leg to stand on when you yell at me about spending all my free time with prostitutes. One or the other!

Collects dolls.

Yeah, no shit. She is a kid.

Loves to knit and has knitted scarfs for Tom Cruise, Robert De Niro, Denzel Washington, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg and Tim Robbins.

Listen up, IMDB – it is “scarves” not “scarfs”. One day, IMDB, when I stab you in your internet eye because you gave me false hope about an On the Road movie directed by Walter Salles it will be with “knives” and not “knifes”.

For the ‘sad’ scenes in I Am Sam (2001), she thought of her pet goldfish, Flounder, dying.

That is amazing stuff. Have you seen I Am Sam? Phenomenal. If I was an actor and they asked me to cry on camera, I would think about Dakota Fanning crying in I Am Sam while she is thinking about “Flounder”. That movie is so sad and beautiful. I have only seen it once because I’m never like “Hey Jordan, do you want to cry forever today?” And I know girls do have those moments and that is why there is a MAN as President always. Can’t have POTUS curled up on the sofa watching Fried Green Tomatoes with a quart of Haagen Dazs just because she feels like having a “good cry”.

Carries a book of baby names with her wherever she goes.

Errrr… I hope this is old trivia and not something she still does. Dakota is pretty, famous, rich and successful, but a book of baby names in her back pocket will scare away 99% of any guys who try to ask her out. And the 1% are old blind gay men. Because even a sighted gay guy would run and a blind straight guy would at least sense it. But life is too tough for an old blind gay guy for him to give up on any opportunity for love even with a baby name book its backpocket.

On her eleventh birthday,Tom Cruise gave her a cell phone.

And…

During filming of War of the Worlds (2005), Tom Cruise gave her an iPod.

Jeez, Tom. Stalk much? HAHAHAHAHAHAh… hahah… whooo… hmmm

Actually, this is a reoccurring theme in the trivia section – “shit people gave to Dakota”. Or at least that is what I’m calling it. “Shit” meaning “presents” because I know you commenters love the curse words. Maybe it should be “motherfucking fuck shit fuck presents fucking given to Ms. Dakota Fanning by fucking shit fuck exceedingly famous male motherfucking celebrities she worked with in a fuckity fucking fuck shit fucking movie”. And it is “Ms.” because she is 16 and a lady.

Back to the presents, Tom gave her a cell phone and an iPod. Not bad, Tom. Generally, I would say giving an 11 year old a cell phone is a bit ridiculous, but this is Dakota Fanning after all. The chick is making Hollywood power moves and not just calling her Middle School friends to talk Gossip Girl. And an iPod is a great gift. It is easy to use, even if you have a first generation iPod it is still a great item, they’re ergonomic. Also, I like Tom Cruise. I went through his filmography with Dawgz the other day. We concluded that 80% of the movies he has been in have been at least “good”. Most actors were not even topping 50%. And in that 80% of “good” there are flat out amazing films, a bunch of them. So Tom does no wrong in my book. Oh he jumped on a couch? Fuck you. The dude made Top Gun. Grow up already.

On her 10th birthday, Robert De Niro gave her a doll that looked like Dakota’s character in Hide and Seek (2005), with the brown hair and blue eyes.

Pretty good gift. For Dakota this gift seems to be perfect. She collects dolls, it is a doll of her, she was fucking 10 years old. And you know that De Niro didn’t cheap out on the doll. He probably paid a lot for the doll to be made. Good thread or cotton or double stitch or something. So good job, Bobby D. But maybe IMDB is not telling us the whole story. Maybe Mr. De Niro has a doll made for every opposite lead in whatever movie he is making on their birthday. Now that would be a fucking creep show and a half! I would have paid to see Robert De Niro presenting a doll he had made of Wesley Snipes to him on the set of The Fan. Also, I now want a Wesley Snipes doll. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DE NIRO!

After filming Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story (2005), Kurt Russell, who plays her father, bought her a palomino horse, whom she named Goldie. Goldie lives on a ranch near Dakota’s home where she can visit him often.

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM! A fucking horse!?! A fucking real horse!?! Wow, Kurt Russell is the KING of present giving. Seriously, he makes Tom Cruise and Robert De Niro look like chumps. A fucking phone? An iPod? I currently have an iPhone which does both of those things and it cost less than $100. A doll? A doll that Dakota can’t even play with and she will most likely grow out of collecting dolls. But a damn horse? Wow. Just wow. Kurt Russell, folks. I always wanted to befriend Kurt Russell before – Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Overboard, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Captain Ron, Tombstone, Stargate, married Goldie Hawn and raised Kate Hudson, had a kick ass mullet for like ever – but now I need to invite him to a birthday party of mine stat. Maybe he’ll buy me a Wesley Snipes doll.

Is the youngest member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences (she joined in 2006).

This may explain why the “Academy” never nominates the right movies to be best picture. She was 12. Fucking 12. She wasn’t even old enough to see a stupid PG-13 movie by herself and she is deciding what is the “best picture” of the year. Come on. Currently, it is still illegal for her to purchase a ticket to see a Rated-R film because she is SIXTEEN! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dakota. I lost my temper there. It’s not your fault. The Academy has sucked for…*thinking*…. however long the Academy has been around for I guess. Dakota, as long as you thought The Dark Knight should have been at least nominated for Best Picture then we can be friends again.

Speaking of the greatest movie of all time, I would have given The Dark Knight every award last year. I would have literally just written “The Dark Knight” in every category regardless of what that category was.

Best Picture: The Dark Knight

Best Actress: The Dark Knight

Best Documentary: The Dark Knight

Best Foreign Film: THE DARK KNIGHT YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! IT SHOULD WIN EVERY STUPID AWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congressional Medal of Honor: The Dark Knight

NBA Defensive Player of the Year: The Dark Knight

Maxim’s Top 100 Hottest Female Celebrities: THE DARK KNIGHT

AVN – Best Gangbang Scene Featuring Anal – THE DARK KNIGHT!!!!!

Was ranked #9 in E’s most cutest child stars all grown-up even if she still is a child.(2005)

Ummmm… Excuse me “E”, but I think Chris Hansen has something to talk to you about. Am I right? She was 11. “All grown-up”? Who is in charge of making those lists, “historical reference from the 1600’s”? Also, is it weird that I’m more disgusted at “most cutest” than I am that they chose an 11 year old as an “all grown-up”. Most cutest? I guarantee you if I applied for a job at “E” I wouldn’t get hired, but “most cutest” has a job there. This world is fucking unfair.

I won’t lie to you, #9!?! Who is most cutester than Dakota?

Her first word was “Momo,” which was the family cat’s name.

My first words were “ball” and “truck”.

For her, the hardest thing at the end of a movie is saying goodbye to the cast.

Awwwwwwwwwww…. Because she is a kid!

Hadn’t read all the books from the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer before she was cast in New Moon (2009) but she wanted to do it, because she loved the cast, and the movie.

Dakota, let me save you some time and say “don’t read the books”. I’ll just tell you how they end and save you the trouble – in the end THEY SUCK. That’s the end. Or I could rewrite that as “in the end THE BOOKS ARE A WASTE OF YOUR TIME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN READING ANY OTHER BOOK THAT WAS BETTER.”

While filming Push (2009) in Hong Kong, she wasn’t recognized.

Come on. Not once? Step up your game HK-China. Seriously, she was in Man on Fire – that movie was the illest.

And finally, a quote from Dakota Fanning regarding being an actress:

“I’ve always wanted to be an actress, ever since I was a little girl. I’ve always played the mom and I play my sister as the daughter. I wanted to be an actress on television and movies instead of just around the house.”

Some people wait their whole lives to achieve their dream. Some people like Dakota Fanning waited 5 years… when she turned 5! Or let’s really figure this out. She started reading at 2 years old. And let’s say there was a wayward year after that when Dakota was thinking about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. What are we at now? 2+1 = 3! Between the ages of 3 years old and 5 years old, Dakota Fanning was not achieving her dream and since then SHE HAS!

Fuck, I am depressed.

Happy Birthday, Dakota Fanning.

Another week. Not many questions this week I see. This means either, I have already covered every question you all were searching for answers to or your brains, smaller than an average man’s, have zero curiosity in unraveling the mysteries of life. I guess we’ll never know. Those are the only two options: small brains with zero curiosity or slightly larger brains that had few questions to start. Fine. If that’s how it has to be.

And again, a call for scolding. Scolding? Is that what this blog is here for? To scold you? I am here to provide laughter. And light. A laughterous light. It shines ever so brightly into the corners of each one’s minds allowing all those crazed treasures hiding in the darkness to be seen. It is a light that erodes the thick mud walls of ignorance and complacency in one’s mind. It is a light that will do some remodeling for the inner workings of your mind. Breaking down drywalls to create a living room with space for a bar instead of a den with a couple closets. It is a light that turns that hallway closet into a second half-bathroom.

But this light is fueled by questions. This light’s amber hue is from feeding its flame with your perfume scented questions. And today, today, today, that flame is at best a marigold yellow. That is your fault. That will weigh on your conscience, not mine. I won’t say I am angry. I am simply disappointed. Maybe I had too much faith in all of you to be able to carry the brunt of one post a week. Maybe it was too much to ask a series of fragile, slow witted, uncreative, bare foot in the kitchen, drooling, lazy eyed, gap toothed, stuttering, baby factory women like yourselves to ask a few questions. I’m just disappointed that’s all.

And, now, I will try to spin more gold from this lifeless hay you have laid at my e-feet with your hands of stubby fingers.

Winter Olympics?

I am anti-Winter Olympics. I’m sorry. Actually, fuck that. I’m not sorry. I’m over the Winter Olympics. More so, fuck NBC. Fuck them for the Winter Olympics. Do we really need half of these events in the Winter Olympics? Snowboarding? All that trick bullshit on snow? Is it just me or are the X-Games on year-fucking- round, so why the hell do we need this shit also in the Winter Olympics? Can I ask more questions? Yes.

I have no feeling for the Winter Olympics right now. I am cynical towards NBC and them shoving this bullshit in our faces and making me miss Community/The Office/Parks and Recreation for two weeks. Notice I did not say 30 Rock because it tends to, um how do you say- BLOW! What the fuck happened to 30 Rock? It was funny. It was very funny. Now not so much. I’m tired of Tina Fey mailing it in every week. BE FUNNY AGAIN! If “Liz Lemon” is going to say the same fucking jokes every week – “I eat weird things” “I’m not attractive” “I’m single and lonely and I make bad decisions” cry cry cry – then kill her character. I’m surprised I haven’t seen something online showing how formulaic 30 Rock has become.

As for the Winter Olympics? I have never been a big Winter Olympics fan because I’m not really into any of the events and I’m not really in love with any of the athletes this year. I don’t ski and I don’t care to watch other people ski. I’m not saying people shouldn’t ski or shouldn’t get awarded for it, but don’t expect me to care. Unless I was dating one of these hot downhill skiers or snowboarders who graced Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition this year then I just don’t care. I won’t lie. That is a tepid dream of mine to date/marry a female professional athlete.

I think it would be amazing. In a relationship one has to spend time doing things or being interested in things that the other person is into, right? Let’s say I marry or date Ana Ivanovic. So, I would get to just cheer from the sidelines at every major tennis event all year and be considered the greatest husband/boyfriend ever? Fucking amazing. I would love to be that over zealous sideline cheerer/backseat driver coach. COME ON, ANA! HIT HER WITH THE BACK HAND! FOLLOW THROUGH WITH YOUR SERVE! SHE ISN’T DEFENDING THE NET AT ALL! LISTEN TO YOUR COACH GUSTAF! THAT’S WHY WE PAY HIM THE BIG MONEY! COME ON, BABY! And then she hits a winner – YEAH, FUCK YEAH! THAT’S MY WIFE! YEAH, THAT’S MY GIRL THERE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! WOOOH! I LOVE THE FRENCH OPEN!

And when she is out training to be a professional athlete all the time, I can play videogames and write and practice my shit talking. On the subject of my love for female tennis players, I would choose Serena over Venus. And *cough-Simona Halep-cough* *cough-I love her and her…. – cough*. I feel like a professional athlete wife would need a lot of emotional support and I feel like I could do that very well as evidence on this blog. I’m a natural booster when need be.

If there are any female professional athletes or soon to be female professional athletes in the amateur ranks interested and reading this blog, I have to give you fair warning I will pick fights with any and all rivals’ husbands/boyfriends. That will happen. What if I’m married to Natalie Gubis, OH GOD LET ME BE SOON!, and she is playing in some big LPGA event. Natalie is playing or warming up or whatever it is that she does. I am at the country club’s bar with the VIPs, husbands/boyfriends, family and coaches. Let’s say I have had 5 Makers Mark and diet Cokes and an order of mozzarella sticks and it is noon. Maybe Lorena Ochoa’s fiancée Andres has had one too many cervesas tambien. Maybe I think I hear him say something like, “That was a bullshit call on 15. Gulbis’ ball was out of bounds. They should have marked it as such.” Now, I just want you to be aware that this may happen:

First – I would calmly take my 6th Makers Mark and diet Coke and throw it against the far wall as hard as I possibly can.

Second – I would approach Lorena Ochoa’s fiancée and politely ask, “What the fuck did you say? What the fuck did you say, Andres? WHAT THE FUCK, ANDRES!?! Did I hear you say something about the call on 15? DID I HEAR YOU!?! DID I HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CALL ON 15!?!”

Third – I would assess the situation. How many men are with Andres? Are there any beer bottles or glasses within reach for me to use as weapons? How nuts am I going to get?

Fourth – I punt Andres in the testicles as fucking hard as I can. I would then snatch every bottle or glass within arm’s reach and smash them over any attackers’ head. All the while screaming “THAT’S MY WIFE! THAT’S MY WIFE!”

I’m just saying I would fight for you, especially you Natalie Gulbis.

How many ponies make up a fleet, exactly?

At least four. A “fleet” needs to at some point recreate a Blue Angels flying formation. I think the four Blue Angels in the diamond is the least number intensive formation the ponies could be in. But preferably more ponies so they can do the flying V.

Are you saying that all pilots lead a double life?

Yes.

I was rooting for the bear the whole time. I wanted to see the backup plan, for when/if the trained bear decided not to follow the script. What are they going to do at that point, send a ninja army in there to pull the bear off Willie?

Back-up plan? BACK-UP PLAN? First and foremost, Willie Williams needs NO BACK-UP PLAN! Secondly, this documentary takes place in the middle of a grass field in Japan in 1976 – there is no back-up plan. If somehow Willie Williams was killed – they would burn the videotape and bury his body in the woods or let the bear just eat him. That’s the “back-up plan”.

If you wrote an original movie containing the fine acting chops of both The Want, and The Lesser, Blonder, Want-In-Training (aka Dakota Fanning), what would the plot be?

I thought about this a lot ie my drive to work. I’m not entirely sure about Dakota. I was thinking more along the lines of Kristen because Dakota’s career is doing pretty well. If I was in control of Kristen’s career – FIRST – I would put a ton of my resources in getting her into the movie Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I have never read Pride and Prejudice nor have I seen the movie nor have I read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. But I love the idea for it. Plus Natalie Portman is the lead and David O. Russell is directing. Great things. I think Kristen needs to be in some comedies. Sarcastic films. Movies where her character actually has some fucking energy and so do the other characters. Not all this mellow dramatic melancholy bullshit. Characters that don’t just lie around and lament life. She’s had an entire career of that already and she’s 20.

I am a big believer in destroying whatever image the world has of you and starting over, so I would choose and think of roles that she has not done. That wouldn’t be too hard because as mentioned her roles currently have a lifeless element to them. Ugh life is so hard. Ugh it is so long and depressing. Ugh I wish someone would just do everything for me because I cannot help myself. Ugh.

COME ON! COME ON KRISTEN! We all know you listen to the Kings of Leon. No one who listens to the Kings of Leon is lacking energy. Listen to one of their dozen songs that sound exactly the same and try and stop yourself from singing along. You don’t need to know the lyrics at all. Just grunt yell along and you’ll blend in with the harmonies.

I did mention Dakota and Kristen making a Bonnie & Clyde movie. It would be more Thelma & Louise with a lot more energy than down home Southerness. She’s an attractive, successful, 20 year old, white girl – Those things have all the energy. Adventureland should have been good, but it sucked in comparison to what it could have been. She was young and supposedly “out of control”, right? Drinking! Why didn’t she have a scene where she gets wild and drunk instead of like sappy old WWII Vet drunk who drinks himself to sleep in a reclining chair?

What other thespian luminaries would you want to be in this potential powerhouse of modern cinema?

I think they need to pair Kristen Stewart up with someone who has energy as well. Not necessarily as the love interest. Every movie she is in doesn’t need a sappy love story involving her lethargic self. Put her in a film with Jim Carrey. She works for him and they get on crazy adventures together. Maybe she is his assistant and she is up tight. Maybe he is up tight as well. Maybe he finds out he is going to die and has no one to share his final days with, so he forces Kristen Stewart to get nuts with him and live life. That is formulaic, but it would be a beacon of shining gold light on her current sleeping until 4pm lazy gray filmography she has now.

For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?

No. If it is forever then no. I may love this person “deeply”, but who says they are going to really replace what my friends provide me with. I need to be able to talk the lunacy I talk with them and not just over the phone and email. Also, anyone who would want to more or less break the relationships between myself and my friends/family would begin to be judged in a different way in my head and not a good way.

I’m saying no. I’ve never “loved” anyone “deeply”, so I’m not sure, but I would find it hard to believe they could replace all my friendships.

Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted?

Can I bring weapons? I’m not sure what weapons would hurt a “ghost” or “evil spirit”, but I would be willing to bring enough weapons to find out. I don’t know how much I believe in ghosts or evil spirits. What I do believe in is my imagination and its ability to make myself freaked the fuck out. One night I could deal with. There are working lights, right? I would probably just contain myself to one room and at all times be holding a gun while other guns were also within reach as well as samurai swords and Molotov cocktails.

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

I would regret not accomplishing any of my goals I have in life. I don’t know if there is anyone that I do know that I really regret not having told them something. Outside of asking out girls I should have asked out just for the hell of it at least, but outside of that I can’t really think of anything. Why didn’t I ask them out or tell them I liked them? Nerves. Typical bullshit. Worried about facing rejection. Regular stuff. I don’t think I hold any great secrets like that that need to be told to anyone.

President Barack Obama (PBO) – Jordan, you are the most remarkable person I have ever met. You dying will be the greatest loss this world has known since the untimely deaths of Martin Luther King, Jr., Len Bias, The Beatles’ John Lennon, Metallica’s Cliff Burton, and actor Heath Ledger because we all know now how much we would love to have seen The Joker in this upcoming Batman sequel. It is time for your final message to this world, what do you have to say?

Jordan (J) – I have a message for… *cough* *cough* *cough*

PBO – For who? Your family?

J – No.

PBO – Your friends?

J – No.

PBO – For the future generations?

J – No! You are the worst guesser.

PBO – Jeez. You don’t have to be a dick about it. What is your message then?

J – It is to all the women of this world… who I think are hot. To the hot women who were before my time and to the ones in the future. I think you are all hot and would have liked to have seen you naked or at the very least in a body paint bikini. It also would have been great to have gotten lap dances from you all individually and maybe some of you in pairs. I’m just saying – I think you all are hot in the most genuine way and not in some weird creepy fetish like I want to watch you pee way. You know, just you being hot was good for me. The face, the body, the butt, the breasts, legs and so forth. Yeah, that’s really all I can think of saying.

PBO – That’s beautiful.

J – Are you crying?

PBO – Tears of joy and tears of sorrow.

If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterward would remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? If not, why not?

Yes, I would want to experience perfect happiness. Even if I couldn’t remember it afterwards. For one year I would be in “perfect happiness”. In that year I would know it and would be loving. I’m not doing what I’m currently doing so that when I’m 60 I’ll remember it. I’m doing it because it is fun now. I get that I wouldn’t be able to reflect on it later in life, but really that is a small price to pay. We’re going to lose our minds most likely when we get old anyway.

What would your first act as President be?

Orgy in the Lincoln bedroom probably.

My first political act? I’m not sure, but I would spend my first month in office in meetings. Beginning to end of every day in meetings. I would definitely do informal one-on-one meetings with each Senator. Each one would get one hour. Not all in the Oval office. Maybe some are walking around the White House. Maybe some are in the kitchen. Some could be at a sporting event. Where ever they are I would get inside their heads. I would start the mental games early and often. Trying to win over a “party” is not going to be easy. People find strength inside a mob. But if they are alone they can be broken. If they are alone I can make a connection with them or instill fear in them. And once they are under my bidding then I do what I want. When midterm elections happen, I will bring in that new batch of Senators and do the same thing.

Also, I would reunite the 1992 Olympic gold medal winning United States of America’s Men’s Basketball team also known as The Dream Team and take a million photos with them.

Also, all Cascada’s songs would be the theme song for the first year of my Presidency. And Kingdom Hearts was the bomb.

Also, I would hold a regular gala with whoever is the “30 hottest under 30” stars. I would claim it would be to encourage the youth to be active in politics, but it would be to hit on chicks like Taylor Swift and try to talk her into one of the Lincoln bedroom orgies.

Oh yeah – nationalize healthcare, raise minimum wage, defeat terrorism, fix the economy, fix the banks, handle the mortgage crisis, deal with immigration, clean the environment, solve all religious and moral problems, legalize and tax weed and, most importantly, make the United States of America’s national soccer team kick ass and at least win a Bronze in the World Cup.

Have a great weekend.

… errrr Utah. I thought I read they were in Canada, but they are not. Whatever. The jokes are still funny.

I was looking for pictures of Kristen Stewart and of Kristen Stewart wanting IT like I do. They are the exact same thing, but sometimes I am not looking for a picture of her wanting IT specifically. Other times, I’m just looking for a picture of her in it. Maybe a picture of her looking to the left or a picture of her from a particular movie. It just so happens that she wants IT in all of those pictures. She is wanting IT to the left, she is wanting IT in some movie, she is wanting IT and there is a puppy in the photo.

This morning I was looking for a few recent pictures of Her wanting IT and I found a gallery for The Runaways premiere in some city in Canada. All the cities are the same in Canada: cold, bland, slightly European looking, made of Legos. The gallery had 60 pictures with Kristen Stewart in them. I started right clicking and saving the pictures and I saved 24 of I think the first 25. I had to stop. They should just have a “bulk save” feature for people like me who find all Kristen Stewart pictures hysterical because she truly does want IT in everyone of them and for people who stalk her. Really the “bulk save” would come in handy for myself and stalkers who create sacrificial shrines dedicated to Kristen Stewart in their parents’ basements.

Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

Kristen Stewart (KS) – I want IT. I want IT serious though. I seriously want IT always, but right now my want is serious. I seriously want IT serious. This movie is dramatic and I’m the dark one of the bunch, so I can’t smile and let my want spill onto the world like a rainbow waterfall. A rainbowfall. A river composed entirely of liquid rainbows. A rainbow river whose source is a huge glacier of frozen rainbows way up where Santa lives. Because of global warming this rainbow glacier has been slowly melting causing the flooding of rainbow rivers. These rainbow rivers have taken over more territory and now have reached cliff faces thus creating the rainbowfalls. I’m just saying I want IT a lot, but I have to be serious about it.

KS – Oh no, I’m just playing with my hair. I’m just going to run my hands through my hair. No one pay attention to me wanting the shit out of whatever is to my left. Nope, I’m just casually running my fingers through my hair. Dakota? Nope, I haven’t noticed Dakota way over there to my left. Nope, not at all.

KS – What? Really? You want me to take a billion pictures with Dakota Fanning!?! I want IT! I love Dakota! I feel so lonely out here by my elfen lonesome. We’re in Canada and I’m cold. They told me not to smile. My smile’s want could power all the electricity needs in Cold War era Russia. It would be so great if Dakota was with me. I was lying before when I said I didn’t notice her over there. I want her over here.

KS – I want IT.

Dakota Fanning (DF) – I’m learning how to want IT. I’m more of a forbidden fruit element. Jailbait want where maybe you are projecting your own want onto me because you know that it is illegal and illegal things are the best.

KS – Dakota, why aren’t you wanting IT where I’m wanting IT?

DF – I thought you said something about “crossing the streams”. We’re not fighting Gozer.

KS – I have taught you well.

KS – She’s my bitch. I’m just saying. If you were wondering. If there was a situation where both of lost all of our money and needed to turn to alternate careers like selling our bodies for money – she’s my bitch. I’m the pimp and she is my bottom bitch. We’ve been watching a lot of Pimps Up Hoes Down repeats. It is on HBO OnDemand. Screw the Olympics.

DF – Winter Olympics pfffft. More like Schminter Schmolympics.

KS – Good one. NBC will think twice before messing with us and our sarcasm.

DF – I’m wearing black gloves.

KS – I did not notice that until you said it. And/or Jordan didn’t notice that until he saw this picture and he is making me say this because he felt like pointing it out.

DF – I want Jordan to write and direct my next movie.

KS – I want Jordan to do so as well and I want him to be my agent because my current agent needs to be fired.

KS – What are you looking at?

DF – I thought I saw something like a cat. Like a cat wearing boots. Like a cat on top of that building over there wearing boots and it was playing a little flute and there were all these little mice following it. I thought I saw that and I was thinking that I want chocolate and peanut butter puffs cereal right now. I want IT now.

KS – I shouldn’t have hot boxed the limo with you in it on the drive over here. You are so high right now.

DF – I’m not high. I’m just…

DF – Ok, I’m high.

KS – Shhhh… you’re going to get us… Well nothing. It’s legal in Canada, right? Isn’t it?

DF – Isn’t what?

KS – Pot legal in Canada. We could smoke it on the streets even if we don’t have cancer or eye problems.

DF – I was taught in High School, because I’m currently still in High School, that everything is legal in Canada. This “country” is make believe.

KS – Yeah, that makes sense. Pot is legal in “Candy Land”. Or at least that is how I play it.

DF – I could eat so much candy right now!

DF – I love you, Kristen Stewart. I love you like I love candy and cereal that can be eaten as a dessert. I love horsies too. I love you like horsies, but I’m not afraid you will kick me and kill me if I stand behind you. But I am worried that you will one day shiv me if you think I’m trying to steal Rob away from you like you did to those three girls in Santa Monica that one night.

KS – I thought we agreed to never talk about that.

DF – I did agree. And we’re not. My brain fuzzy from all the smoke. I’m in a fog right now. My young and innocent mind has been corrupted by your endless want and marijuana. But I love you.

KS – Good. Dakota, you should look back at the cameras before they start thinking we’re a couple. I have already had enough tabloid stories involving me being pregnant and/or lesbian with Nikki Reed.

DF – It’s just the want. It draws me. It’s like a gravitational force.

KS – What are you looking at Dakota?

DF – I’m not really looking at anything outside. I’m actually trying to look like I’m looking at something because really I’m looking inside my own mind.

KS – And what are you looking for in there?

DF – Mystical creatures like unicorns.

KS – I am over unicorns and narwahls. I want a new creature. I’m tired of these single horned creatures. They’re a bunch of pussies anyway. I want a multihorned creature or a creature with a big sheild on its head that breaks the unicorn or narwahls horn when it trys to attack before it runs away like the pussy it is. I want a bi-pedal stegasaurus with a rounded armor plated head that just headbutts the shit out of the unicorn and narwahl. It could have fingers and thumbs like a human-

DF – I could paint its fingernails.

KS – So it could wield an axe, no a HAMMER. A big double sided war hammer. It would dominate those stupid single horned creatures. The spikey armor on its back would shine in the sun light as it rides a stupid unicorn after it breaks its horn. It could ride a narwahl too. It could break its horn and then ride it through the Atlantic Ocean. Its reptile dinosaur skin would glisten in the salt water.

DF – You’re high.

KS – Why is it we never look in the same direction?

DF – I don’t know. I think something bad would happen if we do.

KS – Did you ever see that movie Thirteen?

DF – No. I wasn’t allowed to.

KS – Well, there is this one scene where Evan and Nikki choose this guy and they start… Yeah, bad stuff does happen when we look in the same direction.

KS – What was it like to kiss Dakota Fanning? Is that what you asked? Really? Really!?! Is that what we’re asking now? And what “news” organization are you from? Oh, ok. Yeah, I’ll answer the question. But I didn’t just kiss Dakota Fanning – I fucked the shit out of this broad! Yeah that’s right! You perv! You fucking perv! I said it! Quote me motherfucker! Quote me for your “news” website. Punk ass bitch! Punk ass bitch! Write it down! Write it down! Sucka ass bitch! Hunh!?! Come at me, bro! Come at me! Don’t you stand up for him! Fuck that guy, right Dakota?

DF – Yes, whatever you say Kristen Stewart.

KS – That’s right! She’s my bottom bitch, you garbage ass motherfuckers.

KS – Look at him. He’s still crying.

DF – You scare me Kristen Stewart, in a good way. It’s like if I was dating Charles Oakley. You are so strong and fearsome. You’re like a panther. A 6’9″ 260 pound panther who walks on two legs and has a gambling problem and dishes out its own brand of street justice and wants IT. That’s how Charles Oakley and you are.

KS – Do you see what I did to that guy, Joan Jett? He pissed his pants. Weed makes me aggressive sometimes. Well weed and the fifth of Jack Daniels I had in the car ride over.

DF – Look Kristen! I want IT. I’m wanting IT right now.

KS – Do you see that guy, Joan? Joan? Are these wax statues of the real Runaways or what?

KS – Oh they moved. I guess they are real.

DF – I’m still wanting IT. Look at me darn it. Look at me Kristen Stewart. I’m wanting the sugar out of this camera.

KS – Joan, are you alive?

Joan Jett (JJ) – Yes, I’m alive. Cherie isn’t. That is an anamotronic doll James Cameron lent out to us. He is a pretty nice guy since he has more money than God.

KS – I think I’m going to wait until that guy is back to being calm and then-

JJ – Slit his throat.

KS – I was going to say “pants him” in front of all the cameras.

JJ – That’s a good plan too.

DF – You two are completely missing me wanting IT. I don’t have the want stamina yet, so I’m starting to fade.

DF – Now I’m just happy. I’m not even wanting it anymore.

JJ – Do you think that if I flash some tit or say something outrageous about putting my or your pussy on things that the media will care about me again? Maybe a paparazzi camera could wait outside my house. That would be nice.

KS – I want IT. You want to see want, Dakota. I fucking want IT. I look like I’m about to dry fuck the lens of the camera. I look like I’m about to snap and rip Joan Jett’s throat out with my fingers ala Patrick Swayze in Road House.

DF – That cat is back. I want that cat. I want that cat, the boots, the mice so bad.

JJ – Maybe just a paparazzi camera man follows me to my car. Maybe a TMZ guy just for an hour stalks me one night. I’ll leave a window open by the porch. How abou that? Just meet me halfway. I’m lonely.

KS – Ugh, I’m over this. I want another person to ask a stupid question. Anyone. How about one of those The View broads? I’d cut those bitches in half right now.

KS – You could be my bitch too. I’m not saying you could be a top earner like Dakota, but I think you could do really well in my stable. You would be going for more of a niche market. Guys like something a little older, a little tougher, maybe a woman who will smack them around a little. Are you into doing chicks? I think you would make a killing in that market. You’re older and have more miles on you than that one chick from the L-Word, but I think it can work. That girl was having sex with every woman ever on that show. I’m not sure why. She’s cute and all, but she looks more like she would play back-up guitar for The Strokes. And I don’t mean a female back-up guitarist either.

JJ – What the hell are you talking about?

KS – Don’t give me any back talk. Or you may get slapped.

JJ – I’m sorry.

KS – That’s better.

KS – Michael, you’re huge.

DF – That’s what she said.

Michael Shannon (MS) – I don’t know about huge. I’m 6’3″. That is definitely tall, but-

KS – You’re maybe 8 feet tall. You’re the biggest man I have ever seen.

DF – That’s what she said.

MS – It’s just you’re all about mid 5’s and I’m just under a foot taller than that, so it’s really not that-

KS – You’re like Gandalf to us a series of thin and sexy hobbits.

DF – Show us your staff, Gandalf. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

MS – Is there anyway I can leave. I really don’t think anyone-

KS – You should play organized professional basketball for the New York Knicks.

MS – I’m really not that tall. You’re-

KS – You and David Lee would be the great white hopes that save the New York Knickerbockers from another year of obscurity. The All-Star break just happened, so I’m pretty sure you two could really make a run for the playoffs.

MS – I have never played basketba-

KS – David Lee is a guaranteed double double and I think with your massive-

DF – That’s what-

KS – I didn’t finish yet.

MS – That’s what she said.

DF – Darn it. That was a good one.

KS – You should save your energy telling jokes and spend it on the court winning an NBA Championship for the greatest city in the world.

DF – I love answering questions. They’re the funnest. I love the cameras. I love hangin out with Kristen Stewart. I want to be in all the movies she is in from now on.

KS – Hey, ET bitch, keep talking. Yeah, keep talking because I’mmabout to break your fucking nose. You want to know about my family and their supposed wolves? I’ll tell you all about it after I put you in the damn hospital!

DF – And Kristen is so funny!

I have nothing for Kristen and Dakota to say. I do think this looks like a press conference shot from maybe the greatest sex scandal or homicidal killing spree ever. Imagine these two like a wild Manson family, Bonnie & Clyde duo. I would watch that movie. Them in a band? Whatever.

Let’s remake Natural Born Killers. This time we’ll make it good as opposed to being horribly overrated and terrible. That’s the first part of the remake. Second part is these two are the leads.

Also, I love this picture. Why can’t someone put this ^^^ in a movie? You know? She has personality. She has the quirky comedy look already. Why can’t a single fucking director put that into a movie? TAKE THIS^^^ and put it in a movie. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart chasing vampires or digging holes in the woods. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart mellow dramatically working at an amusement park acting like she is 50 years old and at the end of her rope. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart playing some lethargic leg bruise having chick. PUT THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  in a damn movie. How difficult could that be!?! Seriously, they do it all the time with other actors — look at Zooey Deschanel.

It would be so nice if she was in a good movie.

Sadly, I don’t expect it is happening this year. *wah wah*

Questions?

Joan Jett told Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar.

Woah! Woah! Woah! That is no way to start a new week of posts. I have to talk about the weekend.  I have to talk about football. I cannot just jump in and talk about Joan Jett fucking guitars. That would be completely unprofessional of me to not address my weekend in the slightest and begin speaking on a subject like Joan Jett having aggressive sex with a stringed inanimate object on stage in front of people and being such a proponent of this endeavor that she rounds up young Hollywood starlets and bluntly tells them to do it as well.

But Joan Jett did tell Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar in the Vancouver Sun newspaper – right here

I did not post yesterday. I hope all of you can forgive me for not posting on Monday. I know it must have been a very tough day without my ramblings egging you on to strive forward and accomplish life. I find that my writings are inspirational and can cure the sick. It heals both physically and emotionally and spiritually. I have seen reports that reading enough KSWI will cure swine flu (that reference is so 2009). It also can be used to cure more common ailments: depression, anxiety, hyper tension, lethargic tension, stuffy head, anal leakage, spider veins, persistent cough, writer’s block, restless leg syndrome and can restore one’s faith in monotheism.

I did not get a chance to post because I do not get paid to post in any form whatsoever and because I was violently hungover. Those two situations created the perfect storm of me laying in bed under the covers with the lights off, a fan on my face, and my head at the foot of my bed and my feet at the head of my bed. I spent the majority of that time wishing that the hurricane like mess downstairs in my kitchen and living room would be miraculously cleaned up by an army of day laborers. This wish was not fulfilled. Much of Monday was spent complaining about being hungover, slowly cleaning up the apartment, and watching DVRed television programs from Sunday night.

So what of Sunday? What of football?

First and foremost, I thought both games were exciting. The second game was a little more exciting than the first, but both were good games. The Jets Defense spent the entire first quarter doing what they had said they were going to do all week. They were hitting Peyton Manning, they were stifling his offensive creativity, and they were making the Colts settle for field goals. That was impressive. Problem is, the NFL plays FOUR quarters of professional tackle football and not ONE quarter. The rest of the game was the unstoppable white and blue scoring horseshoe marching the ball up and down the field like no other team has done to the Jets all year.

The Jets have a solid team and should be excited about their future. At the same time they are a bunch of bitches who had the easiest road into the post season by playing back-to-back teams who let them win. They did beat the Chargers which was unexpected, but the Chargers have a weak defense and no one has the balls to step up to the plate and tell LT he needs to move on and let someone else play. If the Jets go into the 2010 season with a similar team they have now then they should be an interesting team to watch next year. Mark “Dirty” Sanchez is an exciting young QB who will definitely get better. They have a great offensive line and a series of amazing running backs. Their wide receivers kind of blow goats. Their defense is quite quite good. Darelle Revis is the man. Jim Leonard and Bart Scott are quite good as well. And Rex Ryan seems like he knows how to lead a team as well as feed himself buckets of slop from a trough.

Peyton Manning and the Colts are pretty good. Easily the favorites going into the Super Bowl and they should be. No matter if they win or lose this Super Bowl, people should question their decision making in week 16. With two games left in the season, the Colts forfeit pretty much and allow themselves to lose their last two games of the season. Lame. Their idea was that saving their starters from those two games would pay off with them being fresh for the playoffs. I sincerely do not care. This is professional tackle football and the most holy of holy records is the perfect season. They had their chance and they pissed on it. They pissed on the perfect season. If they win the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and won the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it. If they lose the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and then lost the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it.

As an organization, they stood over the perfect season and unzipped their pants. A faint musk of dirty underwear mixed with day old sweat stains mixed with current day sweat stains suffocating the air. They pulled out their collective junk. Shorn clean from a Gillette Fusion razor. Smooth, but covered in razor stubble and little pimples. A few stray curly hairs that some how tip toed around the five cold and sharp razor blades. At first, just a jet stream of piss hits the perfect season in the face. Just one wake up shot right in the eye. And now the Colts’ penis is ready and aligned to let loose its bladder. And in a golden shower that could last 40 days and 40 nights, the Colts piss all over the perfect season. Piss dripping from every corner of the perfect season. As the Indianapolis Colts’ third string quarterback Curtis Painter laughs and laughs in the background; he is the perfect symbol of pissing on the perfect season.  

The second game was a shoot out. I think most expected a wild affair, maybe ending in overtime. It was exactly what we were hoping for. Although the team who actually played “best” lost. Brett “Odysseus” Favre put on quite the show. Out gaining the New Orleans Saints at home in the Thunderdome by 200+ yards, the Vikings lost the game on their own terms. Apparently, the Vikings wanted to prove they were the better team, but at the same time did not want to go through the trouble of having to play in the Super Bowl. So they ran wild on the Saints up and down the field and when push came to shove, they fumbled. A LOT! Six times actually. The Vikings played really well, but they kept turning the ball over.

I’m sure you’ve seen the coverage about Brett Favre throwing the interception that ended the game et cetera nonsense. The whole team was losing the ball and Brett was having a hell of a game out there outside of that interception. Brett and the whether or not he is retiring circus has already started. I hope he comes back and I don’t understand why he shouldn’t. He had arguably the best season he has had in easily a decade. My opinion on Brett Favre’s physical health is that he would be perfectly ready to play heroicly in the Super Bowl in two weeks if the Vikes had won. So he is fine for next season.

Not to make it sound like the Saints didn’t do anything that game, but the Vikings did kind of give that game away, especially in the second half. But the Saints are a strong team. I thought between them and Vikings that the Saints had the better chance against the Colts. I think this will be an exciting fast paced Super Bowl with touchdowns and smiles and good times and the Who and I’m excited.

Sunday was a good day. This all happened in Jersey City – watched two games of football, played beer pong, pretty much killed a keg of beer, cooked 14 pounds of ham, made 4 pounds of mashed potatoes, two boxes of stuffing, dinner rolls, a few dozen buffalo wings, three trays of pigs in a blanket, a tray of apples stuffed with sausage, a cake, tons of chips, and, of course, laughter with friends… which was fueled by the obscene drinking of beer. Anyway, now that stuff is out of me sort of and I’m tired. I need a day off from my days off.

Joan Jett fucks guitars and has been for like 30 years. It is about 35 years of hard fornication with a musical instrument from the chordophone family.

In maybe the bluest puff piece article I’ve ever read, Kristen Stewart reveals two sentences that 51 year old Philadelphia native, Ms. Joan Jett, said to Kristen. These two sentences are seemingly to help Kristen prepare for her role as Joan Jett in The Runaways movie. I would imagine when the producers contacted Joan to do some musical consulting or supervising for the movie considering the movie is based on her and her band mates that they were not expecting Joan Jett to say the following two sentences of advice:

1. Put your pussy to the wood

And…

2. Fuck your guitar

I have thoughts and questions. Numerous. First, why was this not a song for the actual Runaways band and/or Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. I would not say I’m very familiar with either bands’ discographies, but I’ve heard the singles. And the singles are good. There are a lot of great rock and roll songs in there that are both punk and classic rock and I don’t remember every hearing the lyrics “put your pussy to the wood”. I’m not a music producer. I’m not even a lyric writer. I cannot play an instrument. I have never been in a band. But I would make a small wager that if a band of average to good looking females wrote a halfway decent song with the lyric “Put your pussy to the wood” followed by them all screaming “fuck your guitar” that it may sell pretty well on iTunes.

That is just a shot in the dark, but I feel like you can quote me on that. “Put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” are lyrics I’m pretty sure will resonate to at least a small percentage of the population. So Joan Jett, huh? Not really mincing words.

I really wish I could have been there to have seen the face of the Canadian celebrity reporter sent out to interview Twilight star Kristen Stewart about her upcoming film The Runaways. Kristen, I’ve heard that Joan Jett was on set while you were filming The Runaways, what was that like? Did she have any words of advice about being a rock and roller? Uhhh… what? Put your what to the what? Did you say puuuu… puuuu… sss.. puss… I’m sorry, but if this is how you and Joan Jett think “cool” people talk then you are dead wrong missy. You don’t go around telling people to put their puuu *cough* lady parts on, well anything. That is not a lady like thing to say in the least. And I am not … fornicating with any guitar or any musical instrument for that matter. Never again!

Yes, in that scenario one can assume the Canadian reporter did have sex with a musical instrument at least once, but is ashamed by the experience(s) for whatever reason(s). So put your pussy to the wood and fuck your guitar. I really don’t understand how the greatest original thought by Joan Jett has been sidelined to some shitty newspaper article and not as the chorus for a rousing anthem. If this year Joan Jett comes out with a song titled “fuck your guitar” and has “put your pussy to the wood” in the song somewhere, I’m saying I told you so.

The rest of the article doesn’t get any less R-Rated. Kristen’s following quote ends the short and Sam Kinison-esque article:

“Both [of these women have] a dominant sexuality. They had to fight,” says Stewart. “People like girls to be sexy and they did then, too, but in a different way. They didn’t want to get f*cked [by the girl], they wanted to f*ck them.”

In my opinion, I would be more worried about Joan Jett fucking me than me fucking her. She said “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar”. That is a woman who owns and regular uses a strap-on. I think Joan Jett has an exercise routine specifically designed to workout the muscles used for fuck thrusting and hers are of an Olympic caliber at this point. Joan Jett is full of so much testosterone that I could inject a vile of her sweat as steroids. So I disagree with Kristen. I’m pretty sure Joan Jett dictates any and all sexual experiences that she is apart of – vis a vis aka ie eg – Joan Jett fucks you.

The second point I think needs to be addressed is – we’re talking about Dakota Fanning. I know that Kristen Stewart and all her want is putting her pussy to the wood and fucking her guitar as Joan Jett. Kristen’s got her black hair and leather pants and her no nonsense attitude. She’s the punk princess for whatever reason nowadays. She’s the anti-culture’s queen. I get it. But “both of these women have a dominant sexuality”. Both means two. And two means Dakota Fanning.

My question – did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” or did she tell her something similar? Or did Cherie Currie say something like that?

Sweet and pure and innocent and underage, Dakota Fanning. Did Joan Jett or Cherie Currie tell her to put her pussy on the microphone or to fuck the microphone or the amp or the speakers or what? Did they just reserve that filthy language to the old soul that is 19 year old Kristen Stewart? Was it Kristen who only heard that potty mouth talking Joan Jett talking about putting her pussy on things? Or did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to put her vaginal area on stringed instruments or the microphone as well? I would like to know. Curious minds want to know.

I think I made a reference once about Dakota Fanning being cute. She is an adorable innocent who goes to high school, is a cheerleader, was homecoming queen at her school and has done an excellent job acting in several films. I said she was cute and I remember receiving some comments calling me a sicko. Meanwhile, she is being cast as a lead singer of a band of girls that guys apparently want to fuck hard and people are now telling her to put her pussy on things. Seriously, there is a double standard being made here between myself and Joan Jett. I just said she was cute. I didn’t tell her to go fuck a guitar.

I feel like even Joan Jett and Cherie Currie know better and did not say anything of the sort to Dakota Fanning knowing that it would needlessly destroy her holy innocence. I am against drilling for oil in Alaska. I’ve never been to Alaska, but I’ve seen pictures. It looks pristine and perfect. We shouldn’t destroy it if there are plenty of places in the world we could drill for oil. Just let the polar bears and wolves and whales roam free and have their artic tundra or whatever animals are up in Alaska. Same goes for Dakota Fanning. Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, I’m sure they used all their drunken sailor advice on Kristen the black sheep who with all her want is the anti-thesis for innocence for some reason. And the two rock stars refrained from ruining Dakota’s innocence by telling her to put her pussy on things and to fuck a Fender.

Also, while writing that I realized that who ever takes Dakota Fanning’s virginity with be destroying the artic circle in my opinion, apparently. Who ever that guy is, he might as well be killing the polar bears, black bears, brown bears, moose, caribou, mountain goats, bison, dall sheep, orcas, countless birds and fish, and, of course, the quiet and solitary Eskimo nation. Remember that. Who ever fucks Dakota Fanning first is killing the Eskimos. So leave Dakota Fanning alone and leave her Alaskan pussy wildlife alone. And I guess if you want to do some “drilling” grab Kristen “Detroit Rock City’s pussy” Stewart.

Editor’s note for and about myself: Do you alert a hospital before the person has the actual mental breakdown and is just showing signs of it? Or do you have to wait until they have the breakdown to take them in for psychiatric help? Just curious.

It’s the Tonight Show with KSWI Jordan!

KSWI Jordan (J) (voice over): Tonight’s special guest is your friend and mine! And by “friend”, I mean a delusional relationship where you have conversations by yourself out loud to inanimate objects that you pretend is this “friend” and you fill in those moments of silence with witty banter and dialogue in your head that that “friend” “said” to you in response to what you said. Also, you plan and go on vacations with this “friend” and buy two plane tickets and buy everything in pairs as if you are with someone else, but you are not actually with anyone else. You are just “crazy”. Anyway, I’m just glad her publicist threw caution into the wind and booked her to come on my show.

J (voice over): It’s the star of Twilight: New Moon… Kristen Stewart!

Cue music: “Legs” – ZZ Top

Kristen Stewart (KS): I want it.

J (voice over): Give her a hand folks! Give her a round of applause for her want and her legs!

KS: Hahahah… very funny… hah… now cut the fucking music. Also don’t be alarmed, but the purple insignia on my hand I can explain. I want it and sometimes because of the power of that want it cuts a hole in either the 6th or 7th dimension or maybe both, I’m not sure. It is whatever dimension that keeps all the ethereal stuff like souls of the dead and the definition of true morality. That hole becomes a doorway where the ethereal stuff try to get out into the temporal world, but the hole isn’t big enough for them to get all the way through so they only get to peak out and that ends up with a partial physical manifestation of them on me as I am their portal in between realities because of my want.

Silence from the crowd.

KS: Errr… long story short: I want it so bad Jesus appeared on my hand. *shrugs*

Slow clap from the crowd.

KS: I want it.

Crowd erupts into applause.

KS: So, where is this guy? I get dressed up. They played ZZ Top. I talked about my Jesus hand. Should I go?

J (voice over): Just stay right there! I’ll be right down!

BAM!

KS: Oh my God! I want it!

J: Well hello there. I am KSWI Jordan and welcome to my show!

KS: Wow! Did you just jump from the ceiling!

J: I did.

KS: Why are you dressed like a professional wrestler?

J: Because this is how I feel most comfortable. And when I am presented with such a lovely lady as yourself I wanted to be as confident and comfortable as I can be. So professional wrestler it is!

KS: What are these lines?

J: They are my “action” lines.

KS: Why are they here?

J: Two reasons: 1. I just dropped in from the ceiling so that was an “action” thus the lines. 2. I forgot to save the MS-Paint drawing before I drew the action lines.

KS: Ahhh… they’re sea foam green. They’re pretty.

J: Thank you. I think this interview has started off very nicely.

KS: I want it.

J: I know you do and that is why we are both here. I guess I should start the segment.

J: Kristen I have brought you here for four reasons. 1. I wanted to show the world on my delightful show how much you want it. 2. I wanted to meet you because you seem like a lovely young woman and I thought we would get along well. Those have been accomplished. 3. I saw some pictures of you at the Los Angeles premiere of Twilight: New Moon and I was hoping you would narrate them. Will you?

K: Ok. What’s the fourth reason?

J: Kristen “whatever your middle name is” Stewart, will you do me the honor and touch my sternal head?

KS: Oh my God it is glorious! Action lines!

J:  Thank you. Will you?

KS: I feel like I have to. I can’t imagine how awkward it would be if I didn’t.

J: Quite right. I would probably shoot myself if you refused.

KS: I am so warm all of a sudden!

J: It radiates heat. Watch your fingers they might get burned.

KS: I think it’s whispering to me.

J: It does that. What’s it saying?

KS: Something about how overrated the Dallas Cowboys are despite all the talent on their team. And that it thinks Kurt Warner has solidified himself as a Hall of Fame quarterback.

J: Sounds about right.

KS: I want it.

J: Did it whisper that or did you?

KS: I said it. I say it a lot.

J: Ok, let’s get to the pictures. These pictures are of you at the Los Angeles red carpet premiere of Twilight: New Moon. Could you just tell us what is going on in these pictures?

KS: Sure.

J: You are such an amiable person. No wonder Sean Penn and Jodie Foster say such nice things about you all the time. Alright, so the first picture is of you…

KS: I want it.

J: Is that what you are saying in the picture…

KS: Yes and yes. I’m saying it now because not only do I want it, but I want it in that picture.

J: Ah-ha. And I want it while I’m looking at you and at the picture and at you looking at the picture.

KS: Funny because I want it, I want it in the picture and I want it because I want it in the picture.

J: Hunh? I feel like the universe is folding in on itself. Like we ripped a hole in the dimensions of time and space.

KS: Yep. Did you hear me talk about that before?

J: Nope. I was in the rafters and it is noisy up there. Next picture.

KS: That is Taylor and I.

J: Excellent grammar.

KS: Here I want it, but I’m also at a loss.

J: How so?

KS: You see Taylor was built in a lab. He has the body of a Ken Doll. No detail in the “down there” region. So I want it, but well I’m pretty much holding onto a living mannequin so I felt bad for Taylor.

J: Ok. Here is another picture of you and Taylor.

KS: Here I was hugging him to show the crowd that he can replicate emotions properly even though he isn’t human. See, he looks happy.

J: He does look happy. Way to go science! The next picture is of you and Dakota Fanning who is new to the Twilight series.

KS: I know what picture this is. The photographer asked me if I could want it while standing next to the embodiment of childhood innocence which is Dakota Fanning. Well tell me, how did I do?

J: Oh mama! You want it.

KS: You bet your ass I do. And there was a second picture too.

J: Sweet Maria! You have the talent kid!

KS: It’s a gift and a curse. Even Dakota’s pure innocence cannot hold back my want.

J: And why on Earth would we want you to?

KS: Well if I want it too bad then I may explode an energy sonic boom that would kill people.

J: Right. Ok. Next picture. What is going on here?

J: Let me go first. You want it.

KS: Yes. And then the reporter asked me about my family and I having pet wolves so I told him to “blow it out his ass”.

J: Pet wolves? That’s bad ass. Can we talk about your family having pet wolves?

KS: No.

J: Alright. Please?

KS: No.

J: And finally, we have one last picture.

Screams from the audience.

J: KA-BLAM!

KS: I want it.

J: I think those screams signify that someone just died because you wanted it that much in that picture that it killed them.

KS: It happens. Sorry.

J: Don’t be sorry. That’s one hell of a way to go. Plus it wouldn’t be your problem. It is my show so I would get sued. Hopefully that doesn’t happen.

J: Well I’ve had a lot of fun today. I got to dress up as a professional wrestler, I got to meet Kristen Stewart, I got to see the “want” a couple inches from my face and with the help of these militarily scientifically engineered sunglasses your want didn’t burn out my eyeballs or blow up my brain and you touched my sternal head.

KS: I’ve had fun too.

J: That is terrific. So I’ll see you all next time. Anything else you want to say Kristen/

KS: I want it.

J: Yes indeed. Kristen Stewart wants IT.

………… yeah it got a bit crazy today.

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