It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died… DEUX!

FEBRUARY MOVIES

motherfuckers

I left off with the month of January on Tuesday and then did not write anything on Wednesday and today is Thursday and it is the month of February ahead of us. MOVIES FROM THE FUTURE!

But first…

Against my better judgment I suppose, I follow many of you on Twitter and in doing so I cannot escape the sappy tsunami that is Twilight. I guess for you all that follow me you can say “against your better judgment” you follow me and in doing so you cannot escape “football” or random pop-culture references or inside jokes that only I get. Nevertheless, yesterday my timeline was hijacked by this image much like “FEATHERS!” did whenever that happened.

I will say that this picture out does FEATHERS! just by the sheer fact that that is the actors from the movie and I can see that instead of a hand, anyone’s hand, and some FEATHERS! At the same time, I really don’t find this picture in the least bit sexy or romantic. To be critical of the lighting and color and that they look like they may be inches from the Earth’s Sun or how blown out (not sexual) they look from all the white so really all that is distinguishable is Kristen’s hair and his knuckles next to her hair.

More than anything I think the dumb point of this is that with Kristen’s eyes closed, unemotional look on her face, and in an odd position of lightly grazing Rob’s chin with the back of her index finger – she could be a mannequin or dead and rigor mortise has set in or they’re role-playing and Kristen Stewart is Helen Keller and Rob Pattinson is Annie Sullivan. At second glance it sort of looks like Rob has his eyes closed as well. Maybe they can’t open their eyes because there is a billion watt bulb burning a hole through the right side of their bodies because the director thought that would look good. Or maybe they are having Stevie Wonder sex.

Seriously, are there no blind people who are famous post Stevie Wonder? (David Patterson excluded because he is only regionally famous)

MOVIES!

The Roommate

There have been an ass ton of movies where one girl gets obsessed with another one and then that first one ends up trying to kill the other one so she can become her. Because there are so many movies with this plot, I can only naturally assume this is happening in real life. So think about the girls you are friends with. Think about the one that most closely resembles yourself. Now realize that at some point she may try to kill you and take your life or vice vera and you’ll do that to her. So start your preparations for either eventuality.

Single White Female was one of the better movies of this type, but the real reason to see this movie is that Leighton Meester is hot…

and Minka Kelly is hot…

And they do look remarkably similar. It’s like the Jay Chou and John Cho thing all over again except I don’t have to make a life changing decision or have a long talk with my parents about me wanting to have sex with these two in a faux twins threesome.

But there is the internet so you can look up pictures of them on the internet or even look up Leighton’s foot fetish sex porn and save the $10 it would be to see this movie.

Sanctum

The only reason I mention this movie is because it is in 3D! Outside of that, it is about a bunch of deep sea researchers off the coast of South Africa I think and they get caught underwater with little amount of supplies and it is a race against time whether they get out or not. They knew the risks. I’m just betting they die and never seeing this movie ever. Sanctum? Pfffttt…

The Eagle

If the Roman Empire could see now what horrendous movies they spawn on the reg they wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble and let the Germanic tribes take them over long long long ago. Wow. I really thought we as a people had done enough to the memory of arguably the greatest empire in history and then we went all Channing Tatum on their ass. I don’t wish upon my worst enemy Channing Tatum. That kid has a nack for making horrendous movies in a way I did not know was possible. Has anyone seen Fighting? Oof. Arguably the best bit of acting Channing Tatum has done was being shot in the back to death at 100 yards by Christian Bale in Public Enemies. That movie sucked as well, by the way. There really should be a moratorium placed on making films about Rome because for what is the basis of the American educational system’s history department for much of your life – no one knows dick about it and is doing a terrible job representing it.

Don’t see this movie. Go watch anything else.

Gnomeo & Juliet

From the “genius” who brought us Shrek 2, comes a kids version of Romeo & Juliet, but with gnomes. Get it? Me neither. I’d rather get shot in the shoulder with a bullet than see this movie. I’d rather learn the pain of a metal bullet with the force of a thousand hammers tear through my flesh and most likely break a bone or two than see this movie. Unless… in the end “Gnomeo” drinks poison and the gnome Juliet stabs herself to death because that I might pay to see.

Just Go With It

This movie title could not be any more appropriate. In Adam Sandler’s new movie he is a guy who picks up Brooklyn Decker… right there “just go with it” is very appropriate. Are we the audience supposed to believe that Adam Sandler is attracting this…

I have more faith in this world that there is a planet out there called “Pandora” and there are big blue monkeys that play basketball and act like Native Americans who are defending some natural resource that our government is secretly mining for meanwhile these same long blue monkeys ride pterodactyls by sticking their tail in the others’ tail… than Adam Sandler having sex with Brooklyn Decker.

Anyway, for some reason in the movie Sandler has to pretend he is married and Jennifer Aniston is the chick he pretends he’s married to. How convenient I suppose. The movie’s title is in reference to Jen’s character and her kids’ characters that they’re just supposed to “go with it” so Sandler can convince Decker that she is to be with him. I think the title is really a reference that if you like Adam Sandler and you still consider yourself a fan then you’re just supposed to “go with it” as he makes another terrible film where he is sexing up women you honestly don’t believe he could ever get in real life and you’re hoping he’ll decide to make a movie that is funny a few years from now.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

I know little to nothing about Bieber, which is how I like it. I have no idea what “never say never” is in reference to, but it seems wildly out of place for a kid who I believe is 7 years old and is a multi-millionaire and is always trending on twitter to such a degree I’m pretty sure that twitter doesn’t allow his name to be in the trending topics because it would always be there making everyone else feel less important. Is “never say never” about us expecting him to have a concert film in theaters across the nation? Because I would have said that is definitely happening. There have been by my calculations ONE HUNDRED Jonas Brothers concert movies in theaters, so Bieber getting one is not in the least bit surprising.

I re-watched the VMAs the other day and I stand by my assessment of Justin Bieber: Michael Jackson would have molested the shit out of that kid.

The Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

Quick review: if it ain’t broke then don’t fix it. Martin Lawrence as an enormous old black woman is gold. Apparently any black man as an enormous old black woman is gold. It worked for Eddie Murphy, it has worked and worked and worked and worked times INFINITY for Tyler Perry and it has worked 3x now for Martin Lawrence.

If I have any advice for Jay Pharaoh on Saturday Night Live it would be QUIT! That show fucking sucks! Jim Carrey was just the host of the show and it was terrible! Secondly, I would say to Jay that he should get a prosthetic mold done of him as a ginormous grandmother with type 2 diabetes and a fashion sense of Mrs. Buttersworth and start working on his fart jokes and prat falls because that is where the money is.

I Am Number Four

Hello there, Teresa Palmer. This lovely lady is I Am Number Four. That’s about it. The rest of the movie appears to be a shitty superhero movie trying to appear to YOU ALL the Twilighters. They’re in high school, they’re all full of angst. I even read an article that I imagine Yahoo was paid to specifically write by the producers of this movie trying to link this movie and Twilight. Will it be the next Twilight? That’s what they asked. Well… no.

No it will not. I Am Number Four will be no more popular than any other movie that comes out in February. Why won’t it be Twilight? Well there are no vampires. Surprisingly enough there are no vampires in this movie. It may be the only movie that has no vampires in it. There are so many vampire, zombie, and alien movies nowadays.

Secondly, there is no FEATHERS and there is no Stevie Wonder sex. So, what does have I Am Number Four have? Teresa Palmer probably doing not too much and probably some shitty fight scenes where the main character whines that he doesn’t want all this pressure of having super hero powers.

I don’t think anyone is planning on seeing this movie anyway, so I’ll just say you should be drinking more water in your daily diet. Just a helpful hint. Also, reduced fat peanut butter is in a lot of ways worse for you than regular peanut butter. And if you are in an elevator and you hold the button of the floor you want to go to and the door close button at the same time it should take you directly to that floor without stopping.

Drive Angry 3D

Let’s not. Nic Cage! If you weren’t satisfied with skipping Season of the Witch and wanted to skip another new Nicolas Cage movie this year then your wait is almost over. Drive Angry 3D is a movie that was specifically designed for the third dimension and for you to wear those stupid glasses to see this shitty movie. Just don’t see it. I know you won’t, but I feel obligated to say don’t. If you want to get high and go see a movie then just don’t choose this one. Choose any number of movies. Just get high and rent something. Stay off the roads. No one needs you high and driving. Just get blazed and rewatch Pineapple Express it will be infinitely more enjoyable.

Two more to go…

Hall Pass

Out of all these movies, Hall Pass may actually render some laughs in a good way. Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis are two married guys who somehow get their wives to allow them to have a “hall pass” or a week off from marriage to try and get laid with some strange pussy. I get what the ladies think in this movie that their two out of touch husbands wouldn’t be able to pull it off and they’re calling their bluff. I’m not so sure that is the best idea for two men who snagged Christina Applegate and Jenna Fischer. I mean they somehow got them right? That’s like a guy running a 6 minute mile being dared to run another mile in under 8 minutes. That seems like a losers bet.

Either way, it is a pretty good cast and I bet Sudeikis and Wilson garner at least a few laughs. But it is coming out in February, so it probably won’t be a cult classic or anything.

Unknown

Liam Neeson.

February is the month of good looking wives. In this movie, Liam Neeson is married to January Jones. Jeebus, right? And I believe it. I buy that. I buy that Liam Neeson gets January Jones. It is crazier to think that the reality in this world is that Jason Sudeikis I believe is with January Jones, but I definitely see Liam Neeson with JJ and pissing off every man inside when they pass by, but earning a ton of respect. Nevertheless… Liam Neeson.

A couple years ago, Liam was in a movie called Taken. That movie and Unknown look remarkably similar that they could be movies that were made a year or two earlier and are just coming out now just for the hell of it because it is a weak month of movies. The movie is a mystery thriller and at some point Liam will shoot a guy with a gun and commit hand-to-hand combat on somebody’s broke ass.

I wouldn’t fuck with Liam Neeson. In the twilight of this man’s life, Liam Neeson has been undergoing a ton of hand-to-hand combat training. No idea why, but this man is well-prepared for any mugging. I wouldn’t mess with him. He’s tall, he is trained self-defense and regardless of age or looks – if you’re white -> you’re fucking Liam Neeson… or I should say would. So, Liam has all my respect.

You don't fuck with Liam Neeson; He fucks with you.

QUESTIONS FOR FRIDAY!?!?!?!?!

It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died…

… then two months from now they will rise from the cave we buried them in like Jesus of Nazareth, NY and we can start seeing movies again unashamed.

Until that point, you will feel very ashamed of seeing any movie that is from 2011 and not the humble 2010.

Congratulations Cam Newton! America smiles when you smile.

If you have been unaware for pretty much your whole life, the film buzinezz ditches movies they have little faith in at the beginning of the year. February categorically is seen as “dump” month. It is also “dump” month for people who celebrate Valentine’s Day and their partner takes it to seriously and you think to yourself “am I really going to go through this pink bullshit holiday again?” February is also “dump” month for people with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). But it all honesty, every month is “dump” month when you have IBS.

Bad movies populate the theater with a jihadist frenzy in February. That has also bled into surrounding months like January and March. Generally speaking, the end of the year is when the dramatic good movies come out, so when the new year arrives the filmzy people dump all their shit movies on us for a couple months. This also happens in September. After the action and comedy blitz of the Summer, the filmlosers give us shitty shitty movies for September and generally October until they get us set-up again for the end of year barrage of “Oscar winners”.

Today, I will highlight the January movies you will hopefully be skipping. And then on Thursday, I will do the same for February. Also, if someone reminds me, I thought of a post about “things I would trust and wouldn’t trust Kristen Stewart to do”. I think this could be a reoccurring post about not only Kristen, but other people as well. That of course is all contingent on whether I remember to do that next week…

Also, if you want a more serious look at movies then check out Cinesnark – http://cinesnark.wordpress.com/ – It’s good stuff. The writer of said site reads this website (for better or for worse I suppose for her) and she does a great job, so I thought I should mention that.

JANUARY MOVIES…

motherfuckers…

I thought the “January Movies” looked a little lonely, so today you are motherfuckers.

Season of the Witch

Nicolas Cage is a national treasure. He was also in National Treasure and its sequel. But he is a national treasure himself. I’m not sure of what nation in particular, but with the wealth of material this man consistently puts out regardless of the fact no one asks him to, is just remarkable. I don’t know what Cage’s end game is, but my guess is to be in a movie directed by every single director who has ever been called a director ever in all of living history. Seems sensible, right?

Season of the Witch looks fucking awful. Real bad. Typically, Cage is decorated in a flowing mane wig. I watched a movie called Good Hair, which I highly recommend. It is about the hair care business for black people. It was made by Chris Rock (the) and is unbelievably funny and informative. I really enjoyed the hell out of it. One reason being that Nia Long is in it. Nia Long in my mind is of the same mythical status as Taye Diggs. I feel like Nia Long has been a crush/love interest for men of all races and demographics and she has done it with short and long hair (not an easy task). Part of that has to do with her being gorgeous and aging gorgeously. The other part of that has to do with her being on Fresh Prince of Bel Air and even the terrorists know of Geoffrey, the Carlton dance, and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Just ask them. Just start talking to a terrorist and then begin “In West Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground where I spent most of my days…” and that terrorist and you will then sing the rest of that glorious song.

What was I talking about?

Right… Good Hair. Apparently, black people account for 7/8’s of the haircare business or something. I’m pretty sure that Nicolas Cage’s wigs account for the other 1/8th. That was a long way to go for a joke, but I got to talk about Nia Long and Good Hair, so it worked.

Season of the Witch looks fucking awful still. Cage is a knight who is fighting people trying to kill some girl because she’s a witch or whatever. My question is – why doesn’t Nicolas Cage play a serial killer in a movie? I know Nic Cage has fought serial killers in movies, but was he a serial killer in a movie? Because if someone told you Nicolas Cage was a serial killer I don’t think you would be shocked. That is why he should be one in a movie. Play what you know.

Barney’s Version

Paul Giamatti hooking up with hot chicks… basically. Oh and Dustin Hoffman is in it too. I’ve never had sex with Minnie Driver or Rachelle Lefevre or Rosamund Pike. That may have come to a shock to some of you, but I haven’t had sex with any of those women. I’m pretty sure having sex with them would be awesome. It appears that Paul Giamatti of all people has sex with all three of them in the movie (not at the same time… although I would pay to see that), so I’m thoroughly not sure why he seems so fucking depressed in the movie. He smokes cigars, drinks, isn’t nice to anyone, overweight, barely taking care of himself… but he is somehow having sex on the regular with great looking women. Is this movie “science fiction”? The movie looks pretty paint by numbers, but it says it is from a book and the book was good, but it is coming out in January, so probably not good.

Also, Scott Speedman is in it. So of course that excites me and sells many movie tickets.

The Dilemma

Normally, I would say Vince Vaughn and Kevin James sounds great. At the same time, when I say “normally” I guess I’m pretending I live in a solar system on a rock and iron planet that doesn’t have a history of Kevin James and Vince Vaughn making a ton of shitty movies. I think Vince Vaughn is possibly one of the funniest people who could be filmed… and yet he make movies that make sane people punch babies. And babies do not want to be punched – even when they are asking for it. Kevin James is also a funny man, but he’ll appear in any movie ever because he’s probably running out of his King of Queens money.

The movie might have a couple chuckles in it, but it looks pretty who gives a fuck. Queen Latifah is in it, which is great. It is. I would like to Vince Vaughn appear in a real movie again. It feels like it has been awhile – 3 years. And speaking of serial killers (were we still talking about serial killers?), one of the best Vince Vaughn movies is Clay Pigeons. It also stars Joaquin Phoenix. The movie is amazing and one of my favorites. Vince is a serial killer in it. I guess I should have clarified that. That’s why we were still talking about serial killers. I didn’t mean to imply that Vince Vaughn or Joaquin Phoenix are serial killers. They could be. I mean I don’t want to doubt their abilities.

So go see Clay Pigeons or rewatch Wedding Crashers, Old School, Swingers or whatever your favorite VV film is. And through on some King of Queens reruns and you’ll be set.

The Green Hornet

Chou?

That is not John Cho. As remarkable as that sounds, I repeat that is not John Cho. I know that we all racistly joke that all ______ (ethnicity) look the same, but Jay Chou and John Cho do look like brothers/twins/the same guy. It really seems like if Jay Chou spiked his hair up and was funny then he’d be John Cho. If John Cho learned martial arts and combed his hair then he’d be Jay Chou. I bet it would be easier to tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi than Jay and John.

Cho?

The Green Hornet looks pretty terrible. But… I’ll see it. This will be the first movie I’m expecting to hang my head and drag myself to see. Jokes wise? The more I think about it, I can’t imagine it isn’t any funnier than a chuckle or two. Action wise? I can’t imagine it is any more exciting than Ghost Rider was. But I saw Ghost Rider in theaters. At the very best, I might not hate The Green Hornet. At its worst, it can’t be worse than Tron. I just saw Tron. That was fucking horrendous, so how much worse can it get?

The movie is also directed by Michel Gondry of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fame. That means absolutely nothing because this movie looks diametrically opposed to that movie, but I thought I would mention it.

Ong Bak 3

I would be remiss if I did not mention this movie. Ong Bak 3 is obviously the third of a series of movies called Ong Bak – that’s just simple science right there. The Ong Bak movies are action movies starring Tony Jaa. Tony’s action style is that of Muay Thai kickboxing. He also runs around and jumps like Jackie Chan/Jet Li. I really loved the first Ong Bak. I really hated the second Ong Bak. So this third one is a complete mystery. I have a feeling it will be bad. Tony has made a bunch of movies with these same directors and the movies are all pretty terrible. The movies with the dialogue and the story and the acting. The action scenes are usually amazing. Ong Bak and Tony’s other movie The Protector have some wild memorable action scenes, but for whatever reason Ong Bak 2 didn’t. The cynic in me believes they kind of blew their wad on the other two movies and need someone else to come in to direct Tony, but who knows.

The Company Men

Ben Affleck, Chris Cooper, Kevin Costner, Tommy Lee Jones, Rosemarie DeWitt, Maria Bello, Craig T. Nelson… so out of the January movie – this might be the good one. It’s about 3 guys who get fired and try to redefine themselves as guys who are now jobless. It sounds ok and at the same time it doesn’t make me want to see it in the least. If it was between renting this ondemand or Tosh.0 reruns, then I would be relaughing at the jokes of ole’ Tosh. But outside of that, I guess I would rent it if my family was forcing movie time on me.

No Strings Attached

Have you ever caught yourself thinking – I want to see something with Ashton Kutcher in it?

Nope. Me neither.

So don’t see this movie.

I never would have guessed that I would think Ashton Kutcher should stay as a behind the scenes type, but of the little enjoyment in my life that Kutcher has given me it has come from things he has produced and not starred in.

But Natalie Portman is in it?

Yeah and she is also in the Star Wars prequels. It doesn’t mean you have to watch those either. I know everyone just started these girl crushes on Portman for Black Swan, but she has been in other great movies and go watch one of those instead of this. Go watch V for Vendetta or Closer.

The Mechanic

I hope Jason Statham pays his taxes because he is well on his way to being the white Wesley Snipes. Actually, I do think that in one way, but in reality I can’t think of 2 good action films Jason Statham has been in and I can think of a lot of good/great Snipes movies.. Ever since Statham got crazy in shape and started spin kicking dudes, he has made the worst movies. The Transporter was good. I’ll say that. The Transporter 2 and 3 are bad, one worse than the other. Death Race is terrible. The Crank movies are in some sense worse than the Holocaust to me because I actually sat through Crank. Now Statham is in The Mechanic where he’ll bring his creepy caller voice and his patented “I spun kick you in the face and my shirt got ripped off at the same time” moves.

Hang in there.

If you watch the trailer for The Mechanic you will learn that a “mechanic” is a hitman. Also, a “transporter” is really code for a “hitman”. Basically if you have a vocationally trained day job and Statham is doing it then he’s a killer.

I’d suggest renting a Wesley Snipes movies instead. In all honesty, Welsey Snipes has a great list of movies and here are a few that will get you through life: Major League, White Men Can’t Jump, Passenger 57, Demolition Man, The Fan, U.S. Marshals, Blade, Blade Trinity and if that is not enough then To Wong Foo Thanks For Anything Julie Newar will cure you of any sickness.

The Rite

Horror movies in January? For fuck’s sake… LEAVE ME ALONE! Anthony Hopkins has no shame. About this time last year, the man was in The Wolfman. You are dead to me Sir Hopkins. DEAD TO ME!

Finally…

I had never heard of this movie until 15 minutes ago, but BAM it is topping my list of something.

Scream of the Banshee

Without further ado, here is its description…

When a college Professor opens up a strange, ornate box discovered in the basement of a University, she and her students hear a horrifying scream belonging to that of a bloodthirsty banshee. They think nothing of it, until that scream begins to haunt all that heard it in strange and surreal ways. According to Irish lore, if you hear a Banshee scream, you will die – which is what starts happening to them one by one, as the creature starts taking their lives…

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

They hear the “bloodthirsty” scream of a “banshee” and “they think nothing of it”. HAHAHAH! Why? Why would you think “nothing” of it? You should seriously think “something” about the bloodthirsty scream of a banshee. You should think something about the happy scream of a banshee let alone a bloodthirsty one. Who hears banshee screams? Especially at “a university”? I have a lot of stories from my college days and none of the begin or end with a bloodthirsty scream of a banshee. “According to Irish lore, if you hear a Banshee scream, you will die” — yeah that lands in the “no shit” category of life. Whoever dies in that movie deserved it. If you think nothing of a banshee screaming and go about your day then you deserve to die.

This movie does have two things for it beside a phenomenal plot:

1. Lauren Holly is in it. When’s the last time you heard that name in a non-ironic sense?

2. This fucking poster…

You’re welcome.

Don’t see any of these movies.

I’ll talk to you Thursday.

As Time Changes Many Things, Others Stay The Same

The first being…

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT.

The second being…

FOOTBALL IS THE GREATEST.

On this second Monday of the holier than thou year of 2011 with its wild-life dying in an Alfockalypse or something, I’m still unused to this year. Obviously, I should get used to it sooner than later considering next year is the final year of existence with the Mayan Armageddon. But I keep waking up feeling like I’m just getting over New Years Eve.

Also, Aflockalypse. I had to read that several times making sure it wasn’t Affleckalypse. Or actually I was praying it would be Affleckalypse and then there would be the greatest internet meme of 2011 already Christened and we’re only 10 days into the damn year.

I’m guessing it is the End of Days brought upon us by Ben Affleck. Either he is the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse and he will bring doom to us all through direct violence or he will being making sequels to his movies until we all kill each other in a chaotic frenzy of sharpened DVDs of Reindeer Games 2 used as shurikens.

I pray for both.

She wants IT.

I did not watch whatever awards show these  pictures are from. I think I read they were from the People’s Choice Awards. I couldn’t imagine my choices would have been represented all that well considering I am a man who is hoping Ben Affleck will bring about the end of existence. Nevertheless, Kristen Stewart was there and so was the gold foil tank top she wore as a dress. She also received an award. Shocking, I know. Even more shocking was that is was for Twilight. I would have guessed that the “people” out there would have made up an award for being the most photographed person ever in 2010 or maybe an award for regardless of situation looking like she is about to climax in all euphoric wonder.

But no… it was for Twilight.

Her legs want IT.

Kristen’s dress is so short I feel like I’m under it. I wish I was under it as well as everyone else who saw her that night and has seen the pictures of her that night (even Taylor Lautner). It’s like an optical illusion. I’ve heard there are places in this world where the magnetic fields there are so powerful it can confuse your eyes and you’ll believe something is moving upwards when it is actually moving downwards. And yes, I think that Kristen Stewart’s thighs may have that same magnetism. I’m not saying that refrigerator magnets would stick like concrete to the milky white area just north of her knee, but I would like to see someone prove me wrong.

I didn’t even know I was nominated for an award tonight, which makes winning this award that more surprising. I have the feeling that you all conspired to get me up on stage to get a better look under my dress and legs. I’m sure if you could have just thought of a clever way for me to stand on a chair you would have done that instead. But I am keeping this crystal dildo for whatever reason it was given to me. So without further ado, would you like to see me from behind?

And there we go.

I know it is pretty amazing that I’m showing absolutely every nanometer of my legs and not showing anything “inappropriate”. It’s a magic trick that David Blaine taught me. It’s a trick and it’s an illusion, but no cards or fun are involved.

Seriously, can Taylor Lautner just go home? Isn’t it a school night or at the very least way past his bed time? I get it. I get that he is in the movies with these two and everything, but c’mon man. The joke is over. At some point, he needs to move on and make a Hook sequel with him as Rufio and the Rob and Kristen can bang at the adults table like everyone is waiting for. No PDA in front of the children.

Is that loose change on the ground? Why does Rob look like Mr. Roper on Three’s Company? I feel like Kristen is piercing my brain telling me how her tenuous finger grip over her left knee is the only thing stopping all of history being re-written if her legs exploded open with their magnetic power.

I know Rufio died. He did die, right? He died. But it is in Never Never-Land, so who says he can’t come back to life? Stranger things have happened. Like The Cape. Did anyone see that? I started watching it and eventually stopped when I found myself punching the TV in the face.

RP – Hey man, I see we only have two awards. I’m sorry about that. But I didn’t know you were supposed to even be here. Did you get an invite? Or did you ninja sneak your way in here because you blend in to shadows in that black on black on black on black on black outfit you got there?

KS – He’s my +1. Every girl nowadays knows a gay best friend is the best fashion accessory one can have.

RP – Really? You just bring him around with you everywhere?

KS – Yep. I want IT.

RP – Ahhh get over here, Taylor. I’m want a gay boy toy sidekick.

TL – I’m finally being talked to and accepted as an equal.

RP – Stop talking.

KS – Slash becomes reality.

And with that…

I’m Kelso from That 70’s Show?

Uhhhh….

I’m popular on Twitter?

You do wha?

I married Demi Moore?

And she is?

One would think this might be the most awkward photo of the evening, but they would be wrong…

They do have an open-marriage.

She wants it.

Where the fuck is the guy who writes this blog?

I quit today.

Tomorrow’s my last day.

Jersey Shore is tonight.

Have a great weekend.

Tron: Legacy sucked and so does 2011

I won’t lie and say the past two days didn’t suck enormous donkey cock and donkey balls, so I won’t. The past two days have sucked. They have sucked the cock of a donkey and its balls. I don’t feel like elaborating on that and I won’t. I will say part of it is definitely “mork”.

Instead, I would like to talk about something that sucked that is humorous Tron: Legacy.

^^^ This sucked.

If anything, it sucked way more than people are telling you. It sucked so bad. It was horrendous.

Read this review – http://www.comingsoon.net/news/reviewsnews.php?id=72466

Mr. Starnes hated Tron: Legacy. He hated it so much he wrote a review nearly 2x longer than he usually writes and he gave the movie a 4.5 out of 10. He hated that movie.

Guess what?

It was worse.

The thing about Starnes’ review is that he doesn’t really go far enough in how excruciatingly bad this movie was.

The question is not what was so bad about Tron: Legacy… actually fuck that. This movie is so bad it doesn’t deserve italics. From now on it will simply be written as Tron 2 and that’s that. Actually, scratch that as well. Have you ever seen the first Tron? It sucked. Tron? Sucked. Yes, I’ve seen it. It was stupid back then and is more stupid now. Both suck, so I’ll just write Tron.

Tron sucks. Both.

What was good about Tron?

This.

That’s about it.

In this sequel that no one ever asked for after a quarter century, the only thing that is at all “good” is Olivia Wilde. And she isn’t even that good. If you think Olivia is attractive as a sane person should then seeing her on 60 foot screen in 3D is good. Literally seeing her. She wears a skin tight body suit and she has her eyes prominently displayed like an anime character. She looks sexy. But you are not really seeing Olivia Wilde. You are seeing her character Quorra and Quorra sucks along with everything in Tron. Olivia isn’t talking about anything that I want to hear in the movie or doing anything that I really want to see her do because everything she says or does relates to this garbage ass movie.

What’s the other thing that’s “good”?

I guess.

The light cycles were cool, but again it was also tied to the rest of this terrible movie. Any second that is mildly entertaining was also buttressed by pure stupidity.

I remember when they debuted I think 2 years or more ago the footage of the light cycles from the original Tron with nowadays computer graphics to usher in this sequel… and they should have stopped there. In the original Tron, the light cycles are in the movie for about 4 minutes. The light cycles are similarly in this movie for only a few minutes. The funny thing about Tron and Tron is that everyone’s favorite parts of the movie (light cycles… something) are not in the movie much. Both movies spend a lot more time on a horrible plot and horrible acting to match. It is hard for me to say that Tron 2 is worse than Tron 1 because they’re both horrendous, but at least Tron 1 was original in its horrendousness and at least it did have the good sense to not be 130 minutes long.

There is absolutely no decency to how bad Tron 2 is.

I know I’m going back and forth on this Tron 1 and Tron 2 and not calling either of them anything different from the other, but it is confusing to me as well because I’m so angry at it. It’s hard to keep it all together when writing through the hate.

Hey Garrett, want me to drive you to a series of horribly pointless scenes?

A couple weeks ago, a friend was telling me about an article he read online about movies where if the heroes did absolutely nothing then everything would have worked out. One that was mentioned was Raiders of the Lost Ark. In the movie, the hero actually loses. Indy doesn’t stop the Nazis from getting the Ark. He is tied to a stake when they present it and open it and then they all die from the light/power of the Ark that comes out of it. Spoiler alert I suppose. Ever since, I’ve been thinking about movies where that is the case… and how stupid that is for most movies. Some movies are crazy clever about that, but most are just plain stupid and the characters are fools for ever participating in the movie.

Tron 2 is exactly that.

In the movie, Jeff Bridges is stuck in the computer world called The Grid. He created that world with the help of Tron (the side character from the first movie who remarkably is the name of these two stupid movies) and Clu. Clu is a computer program Jeff Bridges made. I’m not calling Jeff Bridges his character name Kevin Flynn because seriously who gives a flying fuck. Jeff Bridges makes a computer program named Clu and he looks exactly like Jeff Bridges. That’s a hold over from the first movie where a computer program you make actually has a piece of you with it, so in the Grid all computer program looks like you. Although I don’t remember in either movie the idea that it would be pretty pathetic if as a computer programmer you only write one computer program because you never see a million multiples of Jeff Bridges running around, but anyway.

At some point, Jeff Bridges, Tron and Clu are wondering around the Grid and they discover a whole tribe of computer programs that spawned themselves and have infinite possibilities and when Tron (white), Clu (white), and Jeff Bridges (white) discover these programs they appear to be a group of Africans. I would just say they were played by black actors, but they looks awfully indigenous as well. So three white guys discover black people in the Grid and Jeff Bridges falls in love with them and he immediately puts them to work on building the rest of the Grid. Yes, so slavery.

At some point after that, Clu hates these black people for their imperfections because he is a program based on hating imperfections, so he kills all the black people… except one – Olivia Wilde.

All what I just wrote is completely true.

All what I just wrote has absolutely no point in the movie.

Clu is a bad guy. Clu and Jeff Bridges did not need to discover black people, enslave them, and then Clu commit genocide for him to be the bad guy. How about Clu just starts finding imperfections in Jeff Bridges because he is human and then he tries to kill him and then wants to kill all humans? Is that a whole lot simpler? And not involve slavery?

Does Olivia Wilde’s character being one of the black people have any impact whatsoever on the plot of the movie or help in anyway solve the problem in the movie?

Nope.

Back to the heroes didn’t have to do anything jag… so Clu wants to kill all humans… I guess. Jeff Bridges is in the Grid like I mentioned. But he is somewhere in the Grid where Clu doesn’t know where he is. And seemingly, Jeff Bridges could stay there in that exile for the rest of his life and die while teaching Olivia Wilde about Earth. Why is he teaching her about Earth? Who knows? I guess you have to kill the time somehow. He has her reading philosophy books. Where did those books come from? I guess he zapped them in there with the same zapping ray that zapped him inside the Grid. He also must have zapped in green beans because there is a scene where Jeff Bridges and Garrett Hedlund eat green beans. Yes. They eat green beans inside a computer. Do you know what wasn’t in the first Tron? Green beans? Yes. You are correct. Why? Because they are in a fucking computer! If you have green beans in your computer then guess what? Your computer is fucking broke.

Anyway, I keep getting off topic. So Clu can’t find Jeff Bridges. But he needs Jeff Bridges’ disk because on that thing seems to be the answer of how Clu needs to get out of the computer and into the real world with his army of computer programs that have glow rods for weapons.

Three things before I forget them:

1. I didn’t understand it in the original and still don’t get it – why is the disk that contains your identity on it also double as your primary weapon? Why on Earth would you risk that thing being caught or destroyed or whatever? If for whatever reason my social security card was also a boomerang … well I wouldn’t start an intercomputer war and be chucking that thing around.

2. So was Clu going to zap an entire army that was going to take over the world into that stuffy basement room of the arcade?

3. How the fuck are a bunch of guys with bowstaffs going to take over the world? If you beamed a million guys with bowstaffs to Jersey they wouldn’t be able to reconquer the Delaware river.

Garrett Hedlund enters the Grid and in doing so ends up drawing his dad Jeff Bridges out of hiding and giving Clu his only opportunity to get Jeff Bridges’ disk which he does get. This all results eventually in Jeff Bridges killing himself in front of Garrett Hedlund, which allows him to get out of the Grid with Olivia Wilde.

So, Garrett Hedlund thought Jeff Bridges was dead. And thought that for almost his whole life. Then he searches for his dad. This almost ends with him helping the bad guy achieve his victory and does result in him watching his dad die. Great. This is the happy ending? I guess the happy ending is that he gets Olivia Wilde who I can only imagine will be his robotic unemotional fuck slave for the rest of his life … so I guess that is the happy ending.

If you read any of the movie reviews, they say Olivia Wilde’s character really kicks ass. And I’m sure you’ve seen the above in the trailers/commercials. Guess what? It’s about all the ass kicking she does. This is pretty much it. Seconds later she gets her arm cut off and dies. Since she’s a computer program and Jeff Bridges can do whatever he wants in the Grid, he brings her back to life.

If Jeff Bridges is so damn handy in the Grid then why doesn’t he just destroy all the bad guys including Clu?

Who the fuck knows?

If in the end Jeff Bridges was just going to kill himself to take out Clu then why didn’t he do that decades ago? Who the fuck knows?

Maybe so we could see this…

In definitely the worst series of scenes in the movie, there is this laughable mess. The shot of Olivia Wilde is from the same scene I believe. It is apart of a 10 – 15 minute gap in the film where Garrett Hedlund et al go into a nightclub. Why? Who the fuck knows? Why is there a night club with drinking and sex amongst computer programs who are in a world run by a totalitarian dictator who kills all that shows the least bit of imperfection and is purely focused on world domination? Who the fuck knows?

Anyway, Jeff Bridges decides to be the most laughable action hero in a robe since Yoda started flipping around in the Star Wars sequels. Wow, was it bad.

Oh right…

This is Michael Sheen in this same scene. Why is he in the movie? No idea. Why does he do any of the things that he does in the movie? Why is there a black guy with a scar in this same scene? Why does Olivia Wilde’s character think she can trust Michael Sheen when he immediately turns his back on her? How does Olivia Wilde even know who Michael Sheen is and what is their history? Who knows?

But sincerely… who the fuck cares?

The movie is thoroughly terrible.

I was going to also talk about how terrible the other bad guy Rinzler is, but I typed in Renzler and found this picture…

It’s a 1000x better than Rinzler.

Rinzler is Tron. Except we never actually see that. At no point in the movie does Rinzler remove the motorcycle helmet he wears in the movie to reveal that he has the same face as Tron. Instead, we only assume he is Tron because earlier in the movie (which is actually 20 some odd years earlier in the script) Tron used two discs at once as weapons and Rinzler uses two discs at once as weapons. That is another open and shut cold case right there. He has two discs and that other guy I haven’t seen for 20+ year used two discs once, so they’re the same fucking guy. No way it could be anyone else.

I hated that movie.

Mork sucks.

I didn’t have a computer at mork today. IT hasn’t gotten off their dumbasses to give me one. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to access this site even if I get a computer, but for fuck’s sake! It is 2011 and I don’t even have a fucking computer! That is about the only thing I need at my desk. What possible work could I get done at mork without a fucking computer!?!

Whatever.

Next.

Orientation Rocks The Casbah

I’m sitting at a round table with tent card name tags, styrofoam cups of bad coffee, Poland Spring water bottles, stale miniature bagels, dry muffins*, free pens, fluorescent overhead lighting, a powerpoint presentation queued up on the pull down screen and a delightful musak rendition of the girl from Eponema tickling my ear drums.

Black pin stripe pants, sky blue shirt, and a red, white and blue tie (America!) – in case you’re wondering.

“Tron: Legacy” is the first movie I have seen in 2011 and it may end up being the worst. Not sure what could be worse unless I see one of the Nic Cage movies coming out soon. Even that would be debatable.

I also saw “The Fighter” – not that great. It was good, but it was completely forgettable minus Christian Bale. He should get nominated for best supporting actor. The rest of the movie was average.

I didn’t do anything all that interesting for New Years.

If one of my 2011 resolutions was to “drive a forklift” (not a sexual metaphor, but could be) then I could cross that off my list. I’m on a roll in 2011.

My iphone alarm didn’t work this morning like many I have heard. So, fuck you Steve Jobs.